I asked her if she lost weight. Because me being me, I noticed. She did.
"Oh yeah, I did lose weight. I don't know why, I'm not trying. It might be all the speed but I've been off it for two weeks. I went to the doctor for my shot and they had to weigh me and I was 145, now I'm 133. I eat all the time though and I've been trying to gain it back. I just can't. It could just me genetics, my dad's side is really heavy but my mom's side is really skinny, so I fall right in the middle. A lot of my mom's side actually have diseases like anorexia or hyperthyroidism."
She described it as a disease. And maybe that's how I should start looking at it, because a disease is a sickness. I just can't think of it as an incurable sickness..more like a fever or flu. Something that you get over. Your immune system fights it off, sometimes you need help with medication. I guess I can call my will my immune system and my medication my therapist and nutritionist.
This girl is my new inspiration. She's not thin, but she's healthy. She had a little chub, but now she's a little slimmer. She has figure and she has such an I don't give a fuck appearance in a way that isn't bad or scummy. Her "I know who I am" just smacks you in the face and it's beautiful. It captures me and I envy it in a way that isn't bad, but in the way that makes her something to look up to. She wants to gain her chub back and last night she grabbed her stomach and said, "If I lost this, I'd be so upset. I can't stand being too thin, I don't try to fit in with society. I like having something there. Like, I've never been uncomfortable with my body." She wasn't bragging, she was telling the truth. I was baffled the whole time she was talking, hearing a girl say this. When all you hear from girls are dreams of weight loss or worries of weight gain.
I've never met a girl who was truly comfortable with herself until I got to know her. She will be referred to as Ami. I used to hate her, and she used to hate me because I hated her. We were vicious to eachother. And it's weird because she's in my math class and ever since the beggining of the year we've been talking and then it went to mall hangouts that started because she smokes weed too and we smoked together. Then she got caught with it so she had to stop because of piss tests, but we kept hanging. She's the only person I met that doesn't make me feel any certain way.
Everyone else, you get an awkward vibe or an annoyed vibe, or a we have nothing in common vibe, blah blah. But with Ami, it's like talking to me almost. Like I'm not being judged. Me and her can talk and talk and talk about everything and anything for a long long time. She doesn't know about ol' Ed hiding in the back there. Maybe one day, I don't know. I don't like telling because if I eat with someone, I can't pretend they forget. They might observe me then I'd be uncomfortable.
It's funny, I knew these three girls for the longest time and I found out they have Ed's. Anorexia, on the specific side. Something else I found funny..they came right out with it. I hide mine like a precious shiny jewel a robber is after..
Yesterday in school I came across one of them I hadn't talked to in a while. There was this thing- wear a black ribbon on your wrist if you've ever self harmed, had an eating disorder, etc. and I asked her what she had and I knew she self harmed but then she said "ex-anorexic" and I'm like, "So you're recovered?" and she's like yeah and I asked her how and she said, "You just get tired of it after a while."
I laughed in my head. You cannot just get rid of it like that. It confused me.
I'm talking to B about the common excuses I use. I came up with 3 in different forms.
I'm not hungry-I already ate.
I don't feel good-My stomach hurts.
Focusing it on something else-No I'm too tired, I just want to go to bed, etc.
I use "I have gum in my mouth" a lot because I always chew gum.
I wonder if that can help me at all. Knowing my excuses..I'll talk to my therapist about it.
Until next time.
