Recover

From my last posts, you can make an array of assumptions. 

I died from my ED.

I became a heavy druggie and got involved with other drugs and maybe you thought I was sitting on the floor most of the time tweaking out.

I ran away.

I went to rehab for my ED (or drugs).

Oooor maybe you just thought I gave up and I'm still the same as always.

This is just what I would think if I were someone else reading this...lol.

Well. Life has been moving on.

I eat what I want and I don't feel guilty. I don't eat junk food like crazy, I mean I know how to portion and I'm okay with those portions. Satisfied. 

I haven't binged in months. Since the last time I blogged about it.

I still get high and that's still the only drug I do. I haven't lost myself in it though. I'd call it an 'activity', something to do when I don't have anything else to do. But I have been doing it almost everyday or most of the week for a while now. It's fun because life is boring. Where I live, there's no where to go. No activities to do. Nothing at all to ever do. And I don't have a job or a car yet so..life is pretty boring.

Procrastinating like fuck. :D

But yeah, my body is still slim but it's fuller. Healthier looking and a little curvier. My boobs got a little bigger too. And I'm honestly extremely happy with my body. I think it's beautiful. Thinking back, I cringe at how thin I was and I wonder how I ever considered that my goal. Not insulting anyone but..it's just not who I am anymore.

I'm Tiana. I'm seventeen. I have a boyfriend who I call B and we just hit 1 year and 5 months yesterday.

I don't go to therapy anymore. I'm working alone because I believe I've built the skills I need to move forward. I can walk the halls with confidence. My mood doesn't shift and I'm always nice and reasonable and joking around..like the young Tiana would. I've learned to relax a little more even though I still do have bouts of anxiety. I can eat food with butter or oil and not die inside. I can have a cookie with milk. I can sit in class and focus. My hair has gotten thicker and is growing in where it fell out. My teeth still suck and I still have constipation (but I found a slight remedy-Senna. Godsend). Food doesn't haunt me anymore. I don't think about it unless I'm hungry or planning a meal.

I don't like to say I have an ED anymore. Because I'm too far away from him to feel right to say he has a hold on me strong enough to say he's with me. He pops up sometimes..as a friend.

Yes, friend.

He tells me how much I should put on my plate. He tells me when I feel full. He tells me how to eat healthy.

And he's not hurting me anymore.