Recover

From my last posts, you can make an array of assumptions. 

I died from my ED.

I became a heavy druggie and got involved with other drugs and maybe you thought I was sitting on the floor most of the time tweaking out.

I ran away.

I went to rehab for my ED (or drugs).

Oooor maybe you just thought I gave up and I'm still the same as always.

This is just what I would think if I were someone else reading this...lol.

Well. Life has been moving on.

I eat what I want and I don't feel guilty. I don't eat junk food like crazy, I mean I know how to portion and I'm okay with those portions. Satisfied. 

I haven't binged in months. Since the last time I blogged about it.

I still get high and that's still the only drug I do. I haven't lost myself in it though. I'd call it an 'activity', something to do when I don't have anything else to do. But I have been doing it almost everyday or most of the week for a while now. It's fun because life is boring. Where I live, there's no where to go. No activities to do. Nothing at all to ever do. And I don't have a job or a car yet so..life is pretty boring.

Procrastinating like fuck. :D

But yeah, my body is still slim but it's fuller. Healthier looking and a little curvier. My boobs got a little bigger too. And I'm honestly extremely happy with my body. I think it's beautiful. Thinking back, I cringe at how thin I was and I wonder how I ever considered that my goal. Not insulting anyone but..it's just not who I am anymore.

I'm Tiana. I'm seventeen. I have a boyfriend who I call B and we just hit 1 year and 5 months yesterday.

I don't go to therapy anymore. I'm working alone because I believe I've built the skills I need to move forward. I can walk the halls with confidence. My mood doesn't shift and I'm always nice and reasonable and joking around..like the young Tiana would. I've learned to relax a little more even though I still do have bouts of anxiety. I can eat food with butter or oil and not die inside. I can have a cookie with milk. I can sit in class and focus. My hair has gotten thicker and is growing in where it fell out. My teeth still suck and I still have constipation (but I found a slight remedy-Senna. Godsend). Food doesn't haunt me anymore. I don't think about it unless I'm hungry or planning a meal.

I don't like to say I have an ED anymore. Because I'm too far away from him to feel right to say he has a hold on me strong enough to say he's with me. He pops up sometimes..as a friend.

Yes, friend.

He tells me how much I should put on my plate. He tells me when I feel full. He tells me how to eat healthy.

And he's not hurting me anymore.

Her and Excuses

I asked her if she lost weight. Because me being me, I noticed. She did.

"Oh yeah, I did lose weight. I don't know why, I'm not trying. It might be all the speed but I've been off it for two weeks. I went to the doctor for my shot and they had to weigh me and I was 145, now I'm 133. I eat all the time though and I've been trying to gain it back. I just can't. It could just me genetics, my dad's side is really heavy but my mom's side is really skinny, so I fall right in the middle. A lot of my mom's side actually have diseases like anorexia or hyperthyroidism."

She described it as a disease. And maybe that's how I should start looking at it, because a disease is a sickness. I just can't think of it as an incurable sickness..more like a fever or flu. Something that you get over. Your immune system fights it off, sometimes you need help with medication. I guess I can call my will my immune system and my medication my therapist and nutritionist. 

This girl is my new inspiration. She's not thin, but she's healthy. She had a little chub, but now she's a little slimmer. She has figure and she has such an I don't give a fuck appearance in a way that isn't bad or scummy. Her "I know who I am" just smacks you in the face and it's beautiful. It captures me and I envy it in a way that isn't bad, but in the way that makes her something to look up to. She wants to gain her chub back and last night she grabbed her stomach and said, "If I lost this, I'd be so upset. I can't stand being too thin, I don't try to fit in with society. I like having something there. Like, I've never been uncomfortable with my body." She wasn't bragging, she was telling the truth. I was baffled the whole time she was talking, hearing a girl say this. When all you hear from girls are dreams of weight loss or worries of weight gain.

I've never met a girl who was truly comfortable with herself until I got to know her. She will be referred to as  Ami. I used to hate her, and she used to hate me because I hated her. We were vicious to eachother. And it's weird because she's in my math class and ever since the beggining of the year we've been talking and then it went to mall hangouts that started because she smokes weed too and we smoked together. Then she got caught with it so she had to stop because of piss tests, but we kept hanging. She's the only person I met that doesn't make me feel any certain way. 

Everyone else, you get an awkward vibe or an annoyed vibe, or a we have nothing in common vibe, blah blah. But with Ami, it's like talking to me almost. Like I'm not being judged. Me and her can talk and talk and talk about everything and anything for a long long time. She doesn't know about ol' Ed hiding in the back there. Maybe one day, I don't know. I don't like telling because if I eat with someone, I can't pretend they forget. They might observe me then I'd be uncomfortable.

It's funny, I knew these three girls for the longest time and I found out they have Ed's. Anorexia, on the specific side. Something else I found funny..they came right out with it. I hide mine like a precious shiny jewel a robber is after..

Yesterday in school I came across one of them I hadn't talked to in a while. There was this thing- wear a black ribbon on your wrist if you've ever self harmed, had an eating disorder, etc. and I asked her what she had and I knew she self harmed but then she said "ex-anorexic" and I'm like, "So you're recovered?" and she's like yeah and I asked her how and she said, "You just get tired of it after a while."

I laughed in my head. You cannot just get rid of it like that. It confused me.

I'm talking to B about the common excuses I use. I came up with 3 in different forms.

I'm not hungry-I already ate.

I don't feel good-My stomach hurts.

Focusing it on something else-No I'm too tired, I just want to go to bed, etc.

I use "I have gum in my mouth" a lot because I always chew gum.

I wonder if that can help me at all. Knowing my excuses..I'll talk to my therapist about it.

Until next time.

I Just Don't Know

I'm fuming. Literally. My body is radiating and I feel like my insides are shaking since last night and it just seems to progressively be getting worse.

B.

I do not know what else to fucking do.

He's constantly throwing complete bullshit in my face and I keep wiping it off and keeping the constant hope for our relationship.

The hope is finally cracked, and the crack is pretty fucking big.

Happy October

This morning I had my pediatric gastroenterologist appointment, 8:45am. No school. :D
We got to the hospital and the parking was insane so my dad let me go in the main entrance and I found my way to the check in for my specific kind of appointment then my dad met up with me after finding a parking spot.