I Just Don't Know

I'm fuming. Literally. My body is radiating and I feel like my insides are shaking since last night and it just seems to progressively be getting worse.

B.

I do not know what else to fucking do.

He's constantly throwing complete bullshit in my face and I keep wiping it off and keeping the constant hope for our relationship.

The hope is finally cracked, and the crack is pretty fucking big.

He cancelled on me AGAIN last night to hang with his friends. He's changed. It feels like he doesn't want to be around me. He doesn't have hope for us and he hasn't for as long as I can remember. He's taking me for fucking granted and thinking I'll sit here while he fucks with my head over and over. Even if it's caused by personal issues or something other that me, it's still completely and totally not okay with me. 

This is the first time I actually considered the term "break up" and held onto it for longer than an hour.

That seems like the only solution to a boyfriend who treats you like you worth absolutely nothing to him, constantly hurts you and blames it on you, and let go of every good part of a relationship- I don't get compliments anymore, I don't get random I love you's or I miss you's, no random kisses/hugs, always seems like he actually wants us to not hang and if we aren't hanging anyway he doesn't care, he puts the friends (he says he hates being with) over me, and takes everything I say straight to heart and I'm sitting here terrified of talking in result of hurting his fragile feelings toward me (yet he can talk to his friends without being hurt).
Since about 4pm last night I haven't talked to him until this morning and this is the convo:

B: How far are we going to take this? There's not much more room to go really.

B: Why are you doing this? :\

(Later) Me: Because I don't know what else to do.

B: What are you trying to accomplish?

(HE ALWAYS FUCKING THINKS I'M TRYING TO HURT HIM OH MY GODSPDGJASODIGNJ)

Me: I'm not trying to "accomplish" anything.

B: Right, I forgot you said you gave up..

And I haven't responded. And I'm not going to. I honestly have nothing to say to him. This is the first time I feel it's not worth it...we're not worth it.

What he meant by that I gave up was the hanging out always getting cancelled I told him last night about hanging in general, "I just give up."

I just don't know right now and I don't know if I'll even know.

Something has to change drastically for me to still be up for "us" because I'm fucking done getting hurt.

In other news, last night I went to the mall to see BH. She came down from the place she moved to hang around town for the weekend. She had to leave shortly after I got there though. I was about to call my dad to leave but then I ran into some old friends. 2 guys I've known since 6th grade.

I asked if I could hang with them and they said yeah. It was really..really fun. I can't explain how much I missed that, hanging with friends. I got into some deep convo too and it was so damn refreshing talking to someone else and knowing I could trust them and they could trust me.

So..damn..refreshing. It calms my heart right now thinking about it.