trapped and trained by vicious minds.: My Song

Monday, June 11, 2012

My Song

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm okay
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not okay
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

My ex friend showed me this song when my anorexia was at its worst and it's been..my song ever since.
I don't know of any songs about eating disorders besides this one.
Courage by Superchick.

4 comments:

Me DestruitJune 18, 2012 at 10:00 PM
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Me DestruitJune 18, 2012 at 10:02 PM
There are *many* many songs...

Ana's Song - Open Fire, by Silverchair, is good.

"And ana wrecks your life, like an Anorexia life".

Ironic, eh?

I could name a few, but some are triggering and that's not helpful. I find 'Sophie', By Elenor McEvoy is good though, in an, 'I can relate' way, not a triggering way.

You should listen to Fiona Apple, Fast As You Can... you might relate to it with your current situation with your boyf. You can probably relate to it with ED and the boy.. You'll get what I mean.

And Paper Bag, by Fiona Apple, is another one you'd probably find relative...

Baby said he couldn't stay, wouldn't put his lips to mine,
And a fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, "Honey, I don't feel so good, don't feel justified
Come on put a little love here in my void,' - he said
"It's all in your head,' and I said, "So's everything' -
But he didn't get it - I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy
-Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
-Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love
-Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills

These songs helped me get through some tough times, with my ex... I got over him and I'm happy now. He didn't deserve me. Hopefully you guys are meant for each other, but don't you EVER underestimate yourself! Okay?? You can do it, with or without him x
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Summer 2012 "About Me" (No Longer Applies)

I'm Tiana. (Tee-On-Ah) I have anorexia and binge eating disorder, ocd, depression, anxiety, derealization disorder, insomnia and I self harm. I'm 16 1/2 and my birthday is September 11th. I have a boyfriend who I've been with since October 20th, 2011. When the summer ends, I'll be a Junior. I'm an avid reader, getting a new book is like getting a brand new shiny piece of jewelry. Books are another word in the palm of your hands- an escape. I also write. I remember as a kid I said "Who would want to be an author? It takes so much time." I find it funny because now I just get lost in my mind and the words flow swiftly in the right way. I've been taking ballet since I was 4, and I'm going to spend the next two years becoming more familiar with Pointe. Next to that, I also go ice skating for fun. I started ice skating when I was 10 and I just had a natural bond with it. Might have resulted from ballet and high skill with in-line skating. ;D I'm a 100% movie fiend. I take Broadcasting Communications in school and I intend to go to college for it. I want to do something in that business whether it be acting, directing, photo/video editing, and/or photography. When I'm not dealing with my Ed, I like to think of myself as adventurous. I love finding new things, in my mind or in real life. I have a huge mind that holds a massive amount. I'm very creative when it comes down to it. I love unique things and I like to stand out. People are just so boring. I'm a tomboy. I love jeans and hoodies and tee-shirts and video games. Maybe that's why I love Autumn. Cause I get to wear all that stuff and since it's not nice out- I get to sit inside and play video games like the lazy ass I am. xD Also, I'm not fond of the sunlight or warm weather, at all. I absolutely positively am 100% incapable of judging. If someone told me the most fucked up thing about themselves or something they did, I would not be able to judge in the slightest. I have this view on everyone. Everyone is so beautiful, every part of them. Everyone has beauty in them.

Highest weight:
163 lbs
Lowest weight:
116 lbs
Current weight:
120-125 lbs
Height:
5"5 1/2

I have very long dark brown hair that's naturally straight but I straighten it anyway, and straight bangs. Green/gray/blue/yellow eyes. Pouty lips. Pale skin. I never take off a black stretch choker, a Sapphire heart necklace, small silver hoops, my "Beautiful Strong" bracelet (see blog "The Bracelet"). My hands are always painfully dry and I hate the way lotion feels and smells and gets on everything so I just deal. I used to paint my nails because it just looks awesome but I became too impatient to wait for them to dry and they chip the next day so I just gave up. Thumbs up for pointless info.

Climbing The Ladder

Starting diet: Yogurt and fruit.
June 22- Started walking and doing situps everyday.
June 23- Added Chinese back into my diet.
June 25- Added tuna back into my diet.
June 29- Got my period and started lifting 10 lb.
June 30- Made it a week without quitting added foods. July 2- Added bread and egg whites into my diet.
July 8- Added white chicken breast into my diet.
Current diet as of July 16:
Egg whites, Weight Watchers Whole Wheat bread, 97% Beef Franks hotdogs, Weight Watchers chicken breast, CHOBANI plain yogurt, fruit, vegetables, shrimp, tuna.

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