A Message From Ed

My Dear Tiana,

I've been planning a binge for you since you woke up. You're hungry today even though you're not. You can't control it, I can and you're going to binge tonight on those amazing, sweet grapes, raspberries, nectarines, apples and pears you just got at the store because I told you to. Mmmm that sweet fruit. We both know what tastes good with what. Ignore the pain that's gonna follow because it's going to be so good when you're doing it. Tonight at the therapists, you won't tell her you're planning a binge. You're going to zone out and think of what you're going to eat with what.
Don't worry, you can do that "starting fresh" shit again tomorrow. Maybe it'll work for a day, maybe I'll grab you by the throat again like today. Today you need me for a reason you can't place. You just need me like you always have. You'll never not need me. But that's okay, because I'll always be here. You're all mine and I'll always take care of you. You got your period yesterday, one day over a month. You're still eating regular foods. Good girl. But late at night, you know that's when it's the most tempting to eat. And I know that's the easiest time to grab you. These binges for the past few days prove it. So go to the therapists. Come home and take that walk. But when you get done with that shower...
Fucking bitch. You're all mine.

Love Always,
Ed

Powerless

Long time, no write. I'm sure it seems like I'm neglecting this blog when in fact, I'm not. Shit keeps shoving itself in the way somehow. So prepare for another interesting story.

Breaking Heart

I started another blog but I decided it was too long to finish earlier, so I was going to finish it now until I had to post about something else.
I mentioned in previous blogs about how I have no one but BH, B, and my dad and my brother C. Things have gotten to an all time low. BH and me are through (reason in next blog), me and C don't even talk anymore, I still barely see my dad (but I've been hanging with him all weekend and it fucking rocks), and B..I've lost him. No, not break up but..that's the only way I can really put it. 
He's choosing his friends over me now. He's not making sense. He's not himself. He's not trying in this relationship.

Tight Skin

I had a bad day and it just got worse with a binge. Lovely.
First, I wake up for good at 11:20am, having gotten yet another horrible nights sleep somehow. Considering I was exhausted yesterday from shit sleep the night before, I should have slept good last night. But instead I woke up god knows how many times, I don't even know if I can say I slept. I was either awake or drifting. I don't think I actually fell asleep. That happens a lot actually but last night it was just what the fuck. Then I go to the kitchen for breakfast, get out the egg whites and I only have like a tablespoon left, so that fucked my breakfast. I ended up having a piece of bread with a small Activia vanilla yogurt (cause I was out of Chobani, we were out of like everything) and an apple. A small, unfilling as fuck breakfast. Then I go in my room and decide to hang up my posters. I get the dust all wiped off and I look at my walls and decide I can't do shit until my dresser is set up cause I don't know where my mirror is going.

Body and Mind Differences

Me and my dad put together my desk today. Well technically, he did. I just hung in the living room the whole time and watched him, texted B, and helped the few times he asked. Stupid assembly required..
Anyway, it turned out great. I love it. I'm sitting here right now and it's all set up and awesome. My books are on the top.. oh how I missed my books. My speakers are on either side. It's becoming more homey and I'm loving it.
I have a lot more to do though. Putting stuff away. And it's hard because we got rid of my vanity which had all my 'girl' stuff on it. Hair products, perfume, deodorant, makeup, some jewelry, meds. So now I had to put all that stuff on my nightstand till we find some type of small dresser. My dad was intending to get me a biiiig one but I don't need that. Just give me some plastic drawers in the closet for my clothes and a small table for my girl items and an awesome roomy desk for schoolwork and my laptop and I'm good. 

Moving = Finished

So.. so tired. I got up around 10:40 today and layed in bed till 11:10 then got up ate had breakfast, went for my walk, and showered. Then I called C over and over..and over to make sure he was home. I wanted to run down and get my stuff because my mom went camping this weekend with her fiance. He didn't answer, so I played chance and me and my dad took a ride to the house. I expected mom to be there or J and no C. I thought something would turn out difficult. But we rounded the corner and I saw C's car there, and only C's car. Relief flooded through me. I tried the front door, locked. Then I did what I should have done the last time, but forgot because I was too consumed in anger- I opened the garage door and went through the door to the house. Walking in, C is about to go up the steps to answer the door. I figured he was sleeping when he wouldn't answer-and he was.

Teeth, Betrayal, and Adding

My periodontist appointment..wow. I was really not expecting this and it made me feel purely idiotic.
I went in and had to fill out this long long paper then a nice middle aged male dentist took me in and did something I never experienced. He goes through my mouth with the mirror and is saying tooth 16 and tooth 23 and I'm like holy shit he knows them by number. Then he goes through each of the gums by my teeth and he pokes three times, once on each side and once in the middle. His assistant is standing slightly behind me copying down what he's ass he goes through my teeth inside and out. 223, 322, 232, 233, 323. All these combinations of 2's and 3's. I was thinking is he testing the sensitivity or the recession or what the hell is going on? I wasn't even expecting that. So I'm sitting there trying not to have a panic attack and bracing myself for him saying how much grafting surgery I'm gonna need.

Small Updates

When I started writing: Yogurt and fruit.
Now: Egg whites, diet whole wheat bread, 97% fat free hot dogs, white chicken breast, yogurt, fruit, vegetables, shrimp, tuna.
I literally cannot believe my eyes when I read that and it's actually true. As long as I've got wrapped so tight with Ed, I had it decided my diet would never change. It didn't feel possible in the slightest and I didn't want it to be possible. And now yesterday morning I had egg whites and two pieces of toast with an apple. Isn't that such a normal breakfast? For lunch I had a hot dog on a piece of diet whole wheat bread, lettuce and some mustard with mixed vegetables and an apple. Then later in the day I had some yogurt and fruit and a piece of bread for a snack. Isn't that..crazy? I could applaud myself but I still can't believe it.

Peter Pan

I was laying on my couch watching Return to Neverland last night. A long time loved movie. I relate heavily with Jane, Wendy's daughter. She's stubborn and she can laugh but she's in a rush to grow up. Always referring to imagination as "childish nonsense." As a child, I was always like that. I would wear small plastic heels and want to play with makeup and wear my moms clothes. I wanted to grow up. Find love, drive, have boobs, be able to wear makeup and wear real heels and grow up and be independent. Of course, what child didn't? It always makes me cry because I relate heavily with Jane and there's a song that breaks me down and always has.

Ed's Back With A Binge

I'm gonna stop hushing this in my head as just "slightly overeating." I just binged on watermelon. I had like 3/4 of a whole one, an apple, and two small pears. I feel so fucking stupid. Ed kept making excuses. "Oh there's just that left. You can finish it even though you're full." "If you finish it you might be able to be able to go to the bathroom to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling."
Then Ed started talking about going back to fruit and yogurt only. No matter how badly I want to, that's just drawing the line. I'm not going to go back.
I feel so fucking..numb anymore. Like not anxiety numb it's more like fuck everything numb.
My body has changed. My legs have more muscle so obviously they look bigger, my arms have more muscle so they look different. Not so boney, toned. My midsection still has a bit of the flub which I still think is water weight. My body's just not the same anymore and it's freaking me out. But I'm not going to turn back for anything so I'm just getting depressed from it. I can't be happy unless I'm thin. Period. Look at it. Thin is closer to perfection. No extra baggage, just the closest to bone you can get.
But I have to look at things other than my body. But I have nothing. I don't have one single friend anymore. BH is out. My mom and brother are out. I don't see Cody or my dad. So all I really have is B and for some reason things feel odd. I don't know what else to say. The only person it feels like I always have and will never let me down is Ed.

A Blunt, Books, and A Bit of A Binge

Thursday night I had the therapist smiling with what I was saying and she told me she wanted me to get another book called "Telling Ed No!" She let me borrow "Life Without Ed." (which was awesome) and this book is related to it. The therapist or something, I'm not too sure yet. So I got that book today and also the second book to "Life Without Ed." It's called "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me." Both of those came from the Addictions/Recovery section in Barnes&Noble adding up to a grand total of 35 fucking dollars (that my dad payed). Guilt city..

There Is No "Balance"

Last night I slept like shit. I fell asleep around 2ish and woke up for good at 10:40 something. I had to have woken up like 30 times throughout the night. The prescribed sleeping pill isn't working at all and that fact is really fucking annoying. If a prescribed pill isn't working, what will? A brick? Ugh.
I woke up, had breakfast, and went for my walk. The whole time I wasn't in a good mood. When I was walking, all I was thinking was- "I don't want to be walking, I want to be home." Then I'd attack at myself back, "Screw that I don't want to be home there's nothing to do there, I'd rather be walking." And it just went back and forth. That's the first time I did something like that since I started walking. Usually I just let my thoughts run and time eats itself but today I was just annoyed and groggy. I got back home to a text from B saying, "good morning ^_^ you know, you're the most amazing person in the world :] I'm so glad to call you mine :D" which turned an automatic smile on and my day was made. After a shower I just like moped around and hung off my bed and texted B for a bit and stared at the floor. I'm just really beat today.

Viruses Suck

Monday night I was playing minecraft on my laptop with B. Then before I went to bed I kept getting a message popping up from Windows Security Essentials saying it was going to restart my laptop to "complete a cleanup" and all this other shit. So I hit restart and then I shut it down. Yesterday morning I woke up and turned it back on, craving for minecraft like crazy. The server wasn't up so I couldn't play till B woke up and turned it on. So I chilled for a bit, then what do you know. The message starts again. From Monday night into Tuesday morning I must have restarted that thing over 35 times..Ugh. So much for completing a fucking cleanup..

Flying High

I started a blog on Saturday but didn't finish it cause I was too tired. Then I tried to finish it yesterday but just said fuck it cause I was too beat and didn't want to explain.
So now I think I'll just say fuck that blog till later and tell about last night.
My dad took me over B's around 7. I was planning on sleeping over so I told my dad there was a vbs meeting up the road at 10am this morning and I was just gonna walk up from moms house and sleep there since he would be on the road and I'd have no ride. So B picked me up and we went and played basketball for a bit, then went back to his house and chilled out on his deck and fed another dear (like I mentioned in the blog about our last sleepover). Then we layed down and watched Donnie Darko..well half of it. Then we stopped it and ate.
Then we went outside. In front of his garage cause it's his favorite spot to do it at night. He told me how to do it and he lit it while I inhaled. The first two times it was kinda a blow but the third time I inhaled so hard my throat burned to a point I thought I was gonna puke. But I didn't. Then he started shotgunning me and we took more hits and I finally felt it.
I was high for the first time in my life.

Lights

I was on my way home from ice skating. Taking the highway and it was dark outside. I know trucks usually have those lights lining parts of the load, but I saw a truck with the load lined more heavily. I had this moment and my face dropped as a memory flashed back. I was a child and we were on the highway. The trucks were all lit up and all I remember thinking is how cool it was they decorated their trucks up with Christmas lights. I was amazed and I know that because when I remembered it, a burst of fascination went through me. I haven't thought about that since I used to think it. I think I was maybe 5. I wonder why it just happened now. I've seen trucks in the dark lined with lights plenty of times over the years.

Rag Doll

Today: yogurt, apple, pear, slice of bread for breakfast. Bag of steamfresh veggies for a snack, then tuna on bread with a few more raw veggies. Then I went for my walk. I feel real iffy about how much real food I had. I feel like I need to go on another walk. But instead I'm just gonna go ice skating.
I wanted to go with B but he's acting really different. I hung with him last night and we went swimming and the whole time it felt like I was with a different person. I felt like I couldn't open up to him like I usually could when I'm with him, so I just kept my mouth shut about a lot of shit. After we went swimming, we watched an episode of Masters of Horror and I layed with him like I usually do when we watch something and it felt a little better because there were no words and I couldn't see his face for expressions.

Tummy Confusion

Me and sleep just don't get along well. I'm dead tired. I have a splitting headache because of it and on top of all that my tummy feels weird. All of this switching in food isn't settling well with my stomach. I fucking hate regular food. Fruit keeps you fuller and it tastes better and it's just better. Ths morning I had an apple like usual, and I had like 3 servings of egg whites which is 9 tablespoons-75 calories and 15g of protein. It's actually not a lot. I had it on a piece of toast like normal and that's all. Ugh I felt like I had to puke and I still wasn't full and I wasn't gonna go for yogurt cause it's plain yogurt so it needs a fruit for flavor and I already had the apple. So I just stopped there and sat down tired and disoriented. Then my dad calls my medical group to see about my insurance for a dentist and they needed a number so I told my mom to give me the number and she went full bitch mode and put up this huge brick wall and tried to shove herself into my business. "Tell me the dentist your going to and I'll fax it to them; I'll call them; Who is it who is it?" And I'm telling her there is no dentist I just need the number and she keeps pushing and I scream at her "I need the number because dad needs to check the insurance to see if it covers a periodontist." And she's like, "Well why didn't you just say that?" in this pissed monotone voice and my mouth dropped. Like I fucking told her over and over. Thick skulled bitch.

Fireworks and Stuff

I went to the festival and fireworks. It was literally packed. I had to weave around people on and off the sidewalk, stop and let people past- it was like driving on a road. They had small stands set up off to the side of the rides. Everything was really cheap. I got four bracelets and a necklace for three dollars. My dad got ice cream, his usual chocolate with vanilla. The chocolate was like an instant mmmmm in my head because earlier today I got a want for it. Then I was like, "Maybe I can have a taste." And ED didn't say no, I did. Just looking at it made my teeth ache. The cold and the sweet together? I would be in too much pain to enjoy.

Whatever Anymore...

I had two dreams I know of last night-and both were nightmares. One was about my teeth..I don't even want to talk about it but it felt so real I woke up and jumped out of bed feeling my mouth and walked around the room not being able to breathe. The one before that I binged on real food like I used to and I knew I was gonna gain weight.
My hair is so thin oh my god. I don't know what to do anymore. My teeth and my hair. I'm so fucking scared. I know I keep saying that but it's all I can say. I'm drowning in my own fear and there's no outlet. I can't exercise to fix it like I can with weight, I can't put makeup on it to conceal it, I can't hide it with baggy clothes. It's driving me insane literally.
I had breakfast which was kinda over board because I felt rushed and I didn't know what I should have. I was gonna have cereal but I decided against it so I went with the piece of diet toast and egg whites again. Before that I had my usual apple and yogurt and a bunch of grapes and blueberries.
I went on my walk and I was just thinking and thinking and getting tangled like spaghetti. I got a random..I don't if I should say want or craving for cold chocolate ice cream. Then I wanted nice cold milk. I don't know if it's just craving for something dairy holds. I wish I could just get out of my mind.

Wasted Time

It's like my eating disorder took a break and now my anxiety is taking over. I feel like I'm going insane..at least with my ED's I could have an outlet, something solid to focus on.
My teeth situation is eating me alive. I can't do anything without the feeling being there. My teeth feel weak and exposed and I'm horrified something's gonna happen and since it's my front teeth..Oh my god. I'm having panic attacks like crazy and today my hair is added to the mix. It feels thin. Real thin. Now I'm horrified about that and there's no outlet. I'm asking my dad to set a dentist appointment over and over and I feel like I'm a bother so I'm trying to not ask him as much but now I'm being eaten alive by the need and the fear that if this gets put off something bad will happen. I need it addressed before it becomes worse..and before I go fully insane.

It's Getting Bad...

Last night out of no where, I got sick. Me and B were playing Call of Duty online and around 1am we stopped and I got up to go to the bathroom and I was just hit by it. My skin was purely pale. Everything was sensitive, if I touched my leg or brushed against a part of my body, I felt like I was going to puke. I was dizzy and so weak I couldn't pick anything up without dropping it. I had that sick feeling too..the disgusting off feeling. B suggested it could be my period but it just ended yesterday so I wasn't sure. I googled it though and it was a possibility. Like my body got rid of what it needed to cause the period, and my body was deprived of it so I just got sick. But for some reason now I think it's my anxiety. It's getting really bad. Like seriously bad. It's my teeth right now. Constantly on my mind and constantly horrified about it. (See previous blog) And I've been freaking out about it more and more and I don't know..it just seems like there's a possibility anxiety can make you literally ill. I layed in bed exhausted around 1:30am and couldn't fall asleep for a while. I hugged myself in the sheets and I was getting the chills. I felt horrible. I kept waking up thinking..I don't even wanna say it but it had to do with my teeth. I was actually waking myself up because my mind was in fear. It's in constant fear about this.

New Jersey and More Anxiety

I. Am. So. Tired.
Friday after I posted about my period, things got pretty anxiety boosted because I felt rushed all night. I waited for my dad to get home from trucking so I could get the staple removed (see blog "I Cut My Head") and he came home, ate and took a shower which was maybe a good hour. So it was around 4:30 we left, we got to the hospital around 5. When I was finally taken around 5:25, I began to get nervous but I kept trying to cool myself off by reminding myself the gash is healed and this is the last step and I'm free. No cleaning twice a day with antibacterial soap and applying ointment and being mad careful and uncomfortable. So the guy comes in trying to be all jokey just like EVERY. DOCTOR. THERE... Shit's not funny guys. I ask if it's gonna hurt and he says, "I'll make sure it won't hurt me." And I'm thinking, "Bitch, I'm serious. Do you want me to have a panic attack and burst out in tears?" Fear owns me. So he takes out this like..oversized looking staple remover (hah) and goes to work. I was imagining how they get it out on the way to the hospital and I was right. He cut the staple in half and took out both sides..along with a small tangle of hair. It hurt and stung but not nearly as bad as hitting my head, getting the staple, or the week of tending to the gash.
I left and my head felt a lot better. Free. Big smile.