I'm gonna stop hushing this in my head as just "slightly overeating." I just binged on watermelon. I had like 3/4 of a whole one, an apple, and two small pears. I feel so fucking stupid. Ed kept making excuses. "Oh there's just that left. You can finish it even though you're full." "If you finish it you might be able to be able to go to the bathroom to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling."
Then Ed started talking about going back to fruit and yogurt only. No matter how badly I want to, that's just drawing the line. I'm not going to go back.
I feel so fucking..numb anymore. Like not anxiety numb it's more like fuck everything numb.
My body has changed. My legs have more muscle so obviously they look bigger, my arms have more muscle so they look different. Not so boney, toned. My midsection still has a bit of the flub which I still think is water weight. My body's just not the same anymore and it's freaking me out. But I'm not going to turn back for anything so I'm just getting depressed from it. I can't be happy unless I'm thin. Period. Look at it. Thin is closer to perfection. No extra baggage, just the closest to bone you can get.
But I have to look at things other than my body. But I have nothing. I don't have one single friend anymore. BH is out. My mom and brother are out. I don't see Cody or my dad. So all I really have is B and for some reason things feel odd. I don't know what else to say. The only person it feels like I always have and will never let me down is Ed.
I'm scared and I'm annoyed and I'm tired and I'm fucking uncomfortable. Being in my skin is unbearable and being in my mind is killing me.
I was doing good with Ed dying down for a bit there. But now he's back like he never left.
Today I woke up and ate my usual- an apple, yogurt, and egg on a piece of bread. I skipped the pear, my lower tummy is too full and uncomfortable anymore.
Then my dad took me to ceramics to finish a bunny I started painting June 3rd. There's a ceramics house near where B lives and the youth group of the church up the road from my moms goes there sometimes and we pick a ceramic and paint it.
(The first one is how I left it June 3rd, the second one is the finished product. I antiqued it (the darkness in the seams) and touched up spots and glossed it. It's still the same green as the top one, the lighting in the second one just sucks.)
It was so muggy and hot in there I felt like I was going to faint. I finished it as quickly as I could and we left. I asked my dad to go to my moms to pick up some stuff.
When we got there, she was home. I was really heavily hoping the bitch wouldn't be there.
I went in and her fiancee was there too..fuck. I didn't even look at him.
I went straight to my room and didn't look at my mom either. She said, "Why are you here?"
I didn't answer. I went in my room and walked around trying to get stuff together but that fucking bitch stood at the door giving me a stupid guilt trip. I tuned her out and tried to focus on what I was getting. I couldn't focus. I kept looking at the list I made on my phone. When I kept ignoring her she went full on bitch. I told her to get out I'm getting my stuff. She told me, "I guess it's not your room anymore." I said yes it is and she said what makes you think that if you're never here. I did a circle with my finger and said, "It's filled with my stuff." Then she got all hesitant and was like, "I..got new locks." And she was babbling about something else I can't remember because I wasn't listening. I got out of there and went back to my dads apartment. I wanted to get more stuff but I couldn't stay there or focus with my mom standing at the door watching me. She was trying to think of things to say to hurt me. I know for a fact she was. She was breathing heavily and once and a while she'd spit some pathetic thing up and I just didn't acknowledge her. I can't stand her.
I got home and ate tuna on a piece of bread with veggies. Then I went for a walk.
Today I decided to listen to music with my walk. I haven't done that in a long time. It was way better. I walked faster and I felt a lot better. I got home and took my shower and sat down and played minecraft.
I'm really tired right now from that fucking binge. Eating a lot wears you out. I can't even type right my fingers feel exhausted.
That's why this isn't that detailed.
Tomorrow morning I get up at 7:40 because I have to catch a ride to go to the church near my moms to be a helper with VBS. To recap, I'm not a christian. I don't have a religion. Buddhist is more suitable but I'm just not with it. Wish I was.
Then after that I go to my nutritionist.
Then Ed started talking about going back to fruit and yogurt only. No matter how badly I want to, that's just drawing the line. I'm not going to go back.
I feel so fucking..numb anymore. Like not anxiety numb it's more like fuck everything numb.
My body has changed. My legs have more muscle so obviously they look bigger, my arms have more muscle so they look different. Not so boney, toned. My midsection still has a bit of the flub which I still think is water weight. My body's just not the same anymore and it's freaking me out. But I'm not going to turn back for anything so I'm just getting depressed from it. I can't be happy unless I'm thin. Period. Look at it. Thin is closer to perfection. No extra baggage, just the closest to bone you can get.
But I have to look at things other than my body. But I have nothing. I don't have one single friend anymore. BH is out. My mom and brother are out. I don't see Cody or my dad. So all I really have is B and for some reason things feel odd. I don't know what else to say. The only person it feels like I always have and will never let me down is Ed.
I'm scared and I'm annoyed and I'm tired and I'm fucking uncomfortable. Being in my skin is unbearable and being in my mind is killing me.
I was doing good with Ed dying down for a bit there. But now he's back like he never left.
Today I woke up and ate my usual- an apple, yogurt, and egg on a piece of bread. I skipped the pear, my lower tummy is too full and uncomfortable anymore.
Then my dad took me to ceramics to finish a bunny I started painting June 3rd. There's a ceramics house near where B lives and the youth group of the church up the road from my moms goes there sometimes and we pick a ceramic and paint it.
It was so muggy and hot in there I felt like I was going to faint. I finished it as quickly as I could and we left. I asked my dad to go to my moms to pick up some stuff.
When we got there, she was home. I was really heavily hoping the bitch wouldn't be there.
I went in and her fiancee was there too..fuck. I didn't even look at him.
I went straight to my room and didn't look at my mom either. She said, "Why are you here?"
I didn't answer. I went in my room and walked around trying to get stuff together but that fucking bitch stood at the door giving me a stupid guilt trip. I tuned her out and tried to focus on what I was getting. I couldn't focus. I kept looking at the list I made on my phone. When I kept ignoring her she went full on bitch. I told her to get out I'm getting my stuff. She told me, "I guess it's not your room anymore." I said yes it is and she said what makes you think that if you're never here. I did a circle with my finger and said, "It's filled with my stuff." Then she got all hesitant and was like, "I..got new locks." And she was babbling about something else I can't remember because I wasn't listening. I got out of there and went back to my dads apartment. I wanted to get more stuff but I couldn't stay there or focus with my mom standing at the door watching me. She was trying to think of things to say to hurt me. I know for a fact she was. She was breathing heavily and once and a while she'd spit some pathetic thing up and I just didn't acknowledge her. I can't stand her.
I got home and ate tuna on a piece of bread with veggies. Then I went for a walk.
Today I decided to listen to music with my walk. I haven't done that in a long time. It was way better. I walked faster and I felt a lot better. I got home and took my shower and sat down and played minecraft.
I'm really tired right now from that fucking binge. Eating a lot wears you out. I can't even type right my fingers feel exhausted.
That's why this isn't that detailed.
Tomorrow morning I get up at 7:40 because I have to catch a ride to go to the church near my moms to be a helper with VBS. To recap, I'm not a christian. I don't have a religion. Buddhist is more suitable but I'm just not with it. Wish I was.
Then after that I go to my nutritionist.
Sucks that those thoughts are returning again. Your mother's behaviour certainly isn't helping things... Try and take care of yourself if you can though. Despite what you think it's obvious there are people who truly do care for you, like your father and your boyfriend. You're never as alone as you think you are.
ReplyDeleteI think her behavior is what brought on the binge..
DeleteI am trying and I hope I'm not but there's really no other way to see it..
Thanks.
I think you should be really proud of how you handled the situation with your mum. It will never be an easy situation but I think you dealt with her in a very mature and gracious manner :).
ReplyDeleteThe bunny looks really cute as well!!
It sounds like Ed it trying to make a last stab at keeping you in the dark place you have come so far from recently. You have made some changes and so much progress overall its astounding, but when that happens people naturally get nervious and scared of change, so Ed is making a last ditch effort to make you revert back to how you were before. But dont let him win, he is NOT in control, YOU ARE!
Remember how much progress you have made and focus on the positive aspects and his voice will start to get quieter and quieter over time.
A common aspect of eating disorders is loosing relationships which isolates the person and makes the ED all the more absorbing. When you start to recover the relationships you have will start to strengthen and over time you will meet more people and make more friends :). You will always have people on here listening at the least :)
Much love xxx
Thank you very much for all the kind words! This made me smile.
DeleteI'm glad I have a few listeners on here, it's a great feeling.