trapped and trained by vicious minds.: Whatever Anymore...

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Whatever Anymore...

I had two dreams I know of last night-and both were nightmares. One was about my teeth..I don't even want to talk about it but it felt so real I woke up and jumped out of bed feeling my mouth and walked around the room not being able to breathe. The one before that I binged on real food like I used to and I knew I was gonna gain weight.
My hair is so thin oh my god. I don't know what to do anymore. My teeth and my hair. I'm so fucking scared. I know I keep saying that but it's all I can say. I'm drowning in my own fear and there's no outlet. I can't exercise to fix it like I can with weight, I can't put makeup on it to conceal it, I can't hide it with baggy clothes. It's driving me insane literally.
I had breakfast which was kinda over board because I felt rushed and I didn't know what I should have. I was gonna have cereal but I decided against it so I went with the piece of diet toast and egg whites again. Before that I had my usual apple and yogurt and a bunch of grapes and blueberries.
I went on my walk and I was just thinking and thinking and getting tangled like spaghetti. I got a random..I don't if I should say want or craving for cold chocolate ice cream. Then I wanted nice cold milk. I don't know if it's just craving for something dairy holds. I wish I could just get out of my mind.

I read this thing last night where it explained thoughts are just waves of energy going through our mind and the reason thoughts become so powerful or so..obsessive is because our level of interest in them. It was really interesting how it was explained and a technique was said about but I don't know how I could achieve it..but it sounds perfect for me. This is the page I was reading.
I'm really tired right now.. I was going to go over B's for the 4th of July. I thought they were gonna do fireworks but it turns out they're not. So I'm going to this huge park near my therapists office to see awesome fireworks. There's a carnival and all too. Mmm carnival food...ice cream in between waffles..gyros..funnel cakes..cotton candy. How I fucking wish. I really wanted to go to B's though cause his friends are gonna be there and I thought it'd be fun. Chilling and doing the typical July 4th thing. But B says he's gonna drink. Which means they're all gonna drink. Probably get drunk. I don't drink because alcohol is revolting and I'm gonna be sitting there all fucking left out like usual so just fuck it. Plans get changed last minute all the time. I feel sick because of it but I'm trying to push it out of my mind because now I'm gonna do what I know I'll have more fun with..even though he won't be there. Whatever anymore. I'm ready to just say FUCK EVERYTHING. If only I could. And if only I could do it wholeheartedly. I feel like the empty vessel when something isn't eating at me though. It's like if somethings not wrong, then I'm not real because I can't be happy. Therefore I become suicidal. Treatment might be good..
Happy fucking 4th of July.

What have I done to myself..

2 comments:

feiJuly 5, 2012 at 1:35 AM
I remember losing literally handfuls of hair every day. Fun stuff. But if it's any consolation, I'm losing twice as much as you are now even though I've been eating more than usual.. Probably due to stress.

The article makes a good point about obsessive thoughts; interest definitely has a lot to do with it. Reminded me of how I really ought to get back into meditation again.
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Summer 2012 "About Me" (No Longer Applies)

I'm Tiana. (Tee-On-Ah) I have anorexia and binge eating disorder, ocd, depression, anxiety, derealization disorder, insomnia and I self harm. I'm 16 1/2 and my birthday is September 11th. I have a boyfriend who I've been with since October 20th, 2011. When the summer ends, I'll be a Junior. I'm an avid reader, getting a new book is like getting a brand new shiny piece of jewelry. Books are another word in the palm of your hands- an escape. I also write. I remember as a kid I said "Who would want to be an author? It takes so much time." I find it funny because now I just get lost in my mind and the words flow swiftly in the right way. I've been taking ballet since I was 4, and I'm going to spend the next two years becoming more familiar with Pointe. Next to that, I also go ice skating for fun. I started ice skating when I was 10 and I just had a natural bond with it. Might have resulted from ballet and high skill with in-line skating. ;D I'm a 100% movie fiend. I take Broadcasting Communications in school and I intend to go to college for it. I want to do something in that business whether it be acting, directing, photo/video editing, and/or photography. When I'm not dealing with my Ed, I like to think of myself as adventurous. I love finding new things, in my mind or in real life. I have a huge mind that holds a massive amount. I'm very creative when it comes down to it. I love unique things and I like to stand out. People are just so boring. I'm a tomboy. I love jeans and hoodies and tee-shirts and video games. Maybe that's why I love Autumn. Cause I get to wear all that stuff and since it's not nice out- I get to sit inside and play video games like the lazy ass I am. xD Also, I'm not fond of the sunlight or warm weather, at all. I absolutely positively am 100% incapable of judging. If someone told me the most fucked up thing about themselves or something they did, I would not be able to judge in the slightest. I have this view on everyone. Everyone is so beautiful, every part of them. Everyone has beauty in them.

Highest weight:
163 lbs
Lowest weight:
116 lbs
Current weight:
120-125 lbs
Height:
5"5 1/2

I have very long dark brown hair that's naturally straight but I straighten it anyway, and straight bangs. Green/gray/blue/yellow eyes. Pouty lips. Pale skin. I never take off a black stretch choker, a Sapphire heart necklace, small silver hoops, my "Beautiful Strong" bracelet (see blog "The Bracelet"). My hands are always painfully dry and I hate the way lotion feels and smells and gets on everything so I just deal. I used to paint my nails because it just looks awesome but I became too impatient to wait for them to dry and they chip the next day so I just gave up. Thumbs up for pointless info.

Climbing The Ladder

Starting diet: Yogurt and fruit.
June 22- Started walking and doing situps everyday.
June 23- Added Chinese back into my diet.
June 25- Added tuna back into my diet.
June 29- Got my period and started lifting 10 lb.
June 30- Made it a week without quitting added foods. July 2- Added bread and egg whites into my diet.
July 8- Added white chicken breast into my diet.
Current diet as of July 16:
Egg whites, Weight Watchers Whole Wheat bread, 97% Beef Franks hotdogs, Weight Watchers chicken breast, CHOBANI plain yogurt, fruit, vegetables, shrimp, tuna.

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