My Story

Bullied
I've been bullied since I was little. I have two brothers and they would physically abuse me and scream horrible things at me. They made me feel worthless. My parents divorced when I was seven and I lived with my mom mostly with visits to my dad. Recently, I moved with my dad because my mom is unbearable. She's difficult, she doesn't listen, and she makes me feel like she doesn't care about me. I parent her.
I have to constantly remind her to schedule appointments, and get stuff done. I had to leave because it was during school and my brother's are out of school, they're 19 and 22. They would stomp up and down the stairs, slam the door and cupboards in the kitchen. They just wouldn't be quiet. My mom kept making excuses and not taking care of it like usual. Then one night I was laying in bed. My mom had the living room tv up high and my brothers were stomping around, playing music loud, the usual.
I peeked out the door twice. The first time, I told my mom to please turn the tv down and I told my brothers to be quiet. I layed back down and I could still hear everything. The second time I peaked out, my brothers and my mom all screamed shut up. It took me a few hours to fall asleep which wasn't good considering I have horrible insomnia on top of that. The next day in school I was a wreck, baggy clothes, no makeup, ponytail, snapping on everyone, wanting to fall asleep in class but not being able to because my insomnia works around the clock. It was hell. When my dad picked me up from school, I broke down crying and told him why. I went back to my moms house and got two garbage bags and two suitcases full of stuff and I've been at my dad's ever since. Maybe 2 months now. Me and my mom have occasional contact but it usually ends up in a fight because I can't talk to her.

At school it was no better. In fifth grade a girl would constantly be on my back about everything. Her main thing though was my weight. Now, I wasn't fat or overweight. I was actually pretty normal. I just had a little baby fat on my tummy and cheeks. The rest of me was slim and looking at pictures, toned. I would always be outside biking, running around, etc with my next door neighbors, my only friends at the time.
But. She was thinner than me. She was a bone and she still is. High metabolism. So she picked on me because I wasn't as thin as her. Her favorite comment was calling me a cow. She made me feel worthless, like people liking me depended on my weight.
 Especially with her. My kid mind went like this-
She was the most popular girl. She came in with new Vera Bradley's all the time and she had thirty Webkinz, which she would flaunt a different one everyday, hanging it's head out of her Vera like she was Paris Hilton with a tiny dog poking out of her purse. She had a wide wardrobe and always looked good and thin in everything she wore. She wasn't afraid to be mean and flaunt what she had. So naturally, I thought she was better than me. My parents used to be able to shower me like that, but when they divorced, things changed.
I tried to mix and match the three pairs of pants and four shirts I had at the time that went with the school dress code. I waited a month to save up to buy a flashy pink knockoff Vera Bradley. I had one pink Webkinz named Peggy. I felt less than everyone else because everyone else had more than me.
So whatever they said came through to me as true.
I was taught to hate myself if I didn't meet other people's standards.
I broke away from that when I lost the weight.

Ed Intrudes
A year ago on March 14th, I weighed 163 pounds at the height of 5"5.
I was sitting on the couch with a tube of M&M's when something happened inside my head. I tried diet's many times before but they never worked. This time, I held onto it. Then I began to stick to it. Then I began to leech on it. Then it began to leech on me, in a different way- restricting. I always had an eating disorder from what I can remember.
I binged on everything. Whatever I could find, particularly late at night. My favorite were 1-2 boxes of peanut butter Kandy Kakes, a pack of Keeblers Soft Chocolate Chip Cookies, candy bars, Onion Ring chips, Salt and Vinegar chips, really anything I could get my hands on that was sweet.
I used to have my dad come at nine at night with boxes of cupcakes and liters of soda. Then I'd hide it in my room and eat and eat.
From what I can remember I always loved to eat but Ed began getting stronger maybe around 12, when I started bingeing.
About a month into my diet, Ed introduced me to Counter Ed, the restrictor.
I got down to one meal a day consisting of the only "allowed" Chinese dish from the restaurant down the street from my dads- steamed white rice, steamed shrimp with steamed vegetables. Then it went to one apple a day. I spent my summer of 2011 standing in the kitchen all day, watching the clock for the precise minute of the time I allowed myself to eat. Then the time in between I would sit in the kitchen most days, or lay in bed and watch tv or movies and constantly check the time. That was my weakest point with Counter Ed. He completely owned me.

Summer Binges
Then one day I was helping out in Vacation Bible School (my religion is undecided but it's fun to do) and they have snacks for a half hour in between activities. The first day they had popcorn balls with other little sweet sides. I wanted that popcorn ball but Counter Ed said no. So I didn't have the popcorn ball.
The next day they had Jello and Teddy Grahams. Ew, Jello. So that wasn't a problem.
But the third day, they had Graham Crackers with icing spread on them and M&M's and marshmallows. I had a plate of it in front of me and all I was thinking was how extremely bad I wanted to eat it. It looked so good and I hadn't had any sweets for so long. Counter Ed was screaming no but for a millisecond, he was gone. My mind was blank. And that's the moment I bit into the treat. I couldn't explain the amazing feeling I got. I now know it was me breaking away a little from Counter Ed. But then Ed set in. I had three more Graham Crackers with the icing and marshmallows and M&M's. It didn't stop there. After VBS, I proudly went home and told my mom I had sweets. She was happy about it, and said her fiancee was taking us out to lunch at the restaurant down the road. I got my usual salad, but this time I didn't take off all the eggs, croutons and cheese. I even had two slices of the free bread. It was so good and everything tasted so amazing and new.
Then we went to the movies and I was stuffed past hunger but I got a popcorn because I hadn't had popcorn in months. The popcorn was amazing. After the movie, we went to an Italian Ice place and I actually had some low fat ice cream. Then we went to WalMart and I got peanut butter cookies because I love peanut butter and it's always been a weakness. I wanted them so bad but I didn't eat them because I was full. I still have those cookies to this day.
That's when the summer binges started. I went to a wedding with my mom and they were serving filet minion. I never had it but my mom said it was amazing. So I decided to be good. I told myself I'd eat it and work off the weight by walking and swimming.
They served us three jumbo shrimp as an appetizer. Shrimp are low in fat and calories, so I ate the first two by them selves. Then the third one, Ed came in. I dipped it into the sauce and ate it. Then I ate the filet minion which was beyond amazing. I wasn't going to have the potato but I ate the potato, skin and all. Then my aunt didn't want the rest of her salmon, and Ed couldn't let that go to waste so I ate that too. Then I told myself that's it, I can't do anything else.
I went into the next room with my mom so she could talk to the groom and everything broke inside me.
The table was filled with cake. Cupcakes, chocolate dips, cookies, so many to die for sweets.
I ate 7 pieces of cake, 6 peanut butter cupcakes, and more I can't remember.
It didn't stop.
I went back to the hotel with my mom and somehow she was hungry. I wasn't because while she was dancing, I was eating.
I was stuffed and my stomach clearly showed it. But we went to a WaWa's and I got a hotdog, a bag of Bugles, and a sub.
 I ate to the point of feeling sick. Then barely slept.
I spent the next week swimming 100 laps in the pool and eating two apples a day then I was alright again.

Tenth Grade & Stomach Issues
 I went into tenth grade the same way I left ninth grade. Skinny and eating an apple for breakfast, a small apple for lunch, and a salad for supper (on good days).
We had gym, and I always hated gym because I hate moving. I hate exercising. I don't have the energy from my insomnia and extremely unbalanced meals.
But it wasn't middle school gym, it was more movement, more physical. And if we didn't participate, we'd get a 0. So I tried.
I had a hate and a thankful feeling toward it because as I realized how physical it was, I was thinking of the calories I'm burning. I soon took the step and brought a salad for lunch. Two measuring cups worth of lettuce, a teeny sprinkle of cheese, and two small slices of grilled chicken. I started simple. 
Then I started adding when I realized I wasn't gaining weight because I was working it off in gym.
Then ending result was two measuring cups worth of lettuce, half a thick grilled chicken cut up nicely, a sprinkle of cheese, a tablespoon of Free Zesty Italian, crumbled blue cheese, egg, and tomato. Companied by a small bowl of fruit salad. One day I went so bold as a crunchy peanut butter and banana sandwhich. I sat there and savored that taste because it was the best thing I'd had in the longest time. And I was eating in front of people. I envy how I did that. I allowed myself to have white bread... and peanut butter. So bad but so good.
During this time I was bingeing too. My mom loved to make cake and cupcakes and pies and banana or zuccini bread. I would eat whole cakes in a night, tons of cupcakes, whatever I could until I broke and cried and sat on the floor pulling at my hair and balling my eyes out because I realized how much fat I put into myself and how long I'd have to starve before it was gone.
I tried many times to purge but I didn't. I couldn't. At first I couldn't put my fingers down my throat but then by the time I could, nothing would happen. So I stuck to just starving and swimming and walking it off.
Then the stomach issues set in. As I got more and more into my diet, I was doing well. Then I'd binge and starve. I know now why my stomach started misbehaving, because I was.
When I was starving, I wasn't putting enough in me to get anything out. So there was nothing there for when I binged, I was putting too much in me. I call it the skin tight feeling. Yeah, I'm saying the c word came in to play, I just call it stomach issues. It's not a funny thing. People make fun of it but it's really pure hell and nothing even close to laughing about.
I went to specialists, doctors. One time it got so bad I spend 5 days on heavy medication to help because I was in so much pain. I was going to be taken to the emergency room but I refused.
I always had stomach issues they just got bad when I became anorexic. It would be over a week before anything happened because I was eating so little. So that messed my stomach up for when I finally started putting more in. All summer I was on laxatives that only worked on your muscles. Then I became familiar with ones that didn't harm and weaken your muscles. I don't take laxatives to "stay skinny" like a lot of people say. That's not even possible because all the fat still digests. I take them so I'm not in excruciating pain.
During binges during the school year, I would come in with baggy hoodies and loose waist pants after a binge the night before because my tummy was out and it hurt to touch and even to move. 
I can't explain how torturous that was. To this day, every night I take two cap fulls of PolyEthylene Glycol, better known as MiraLax. Without it I'd be screwed.
When the beginning of October came, my expanded diet was out and anorexia (Counter Ed) was back in full kick. It got back to an apple a day. There was this span of two weeks I went an single apple a day, some days I wouldn't eat. Simply because I wasn't hungry. My appetite was gone and food revolted me. 

Welcome, Fruit
 Fruit became a huge part of my life slowly from summer to now. I would binge on fruit. And the guilt wouldn't be there because fruit didn't have fat. It was just the pain. 
Since fruit wasn't a guilt food, I would have more than a full cake's worth.
My worse binges on fruit consisted of: one whole cantaloupe, one whole watermelon (sometimes two), one-two whole pineapples, two lbs. of grapes, and if I had anything else like some kind of berry (strawberry, blueberries, blackberries) they would be gone too. 
I can't even imagine how I fit all that but that's what it was. After Christmas Eve, where I had my allowed steamed Chinese dish against everyone elses fat filled dinner, I went on an all fruit diet.
It was good, all I wanted and I didn't want anything else.
I literally ate nothing but fruit. But that time came where I almost went to the emergency room (above). And then I got a nutritionist. She told me what I need to add but she wasn't asking me she was telling me. She's nice..but she looks at me funny if I say no to a food because I don't like it or I'm too horrified to what it will add to my outer shell. But she's an eating disorder nutritionist, not a regular one. So she should understand.. I don't know. But I'm trying. I'm really trying. It's just so easy to fall back. I actually got out of only fruit and added dairy and veggies back in. I wasn't getting enough protein. I think that's why I haven't gotten my period in a while..
But I got to- 
Breakfast: Apple and CHOBANI Greek yogurt(either blueberry or strawberry)
Lunch: Apple
Supper: My allowed Chinese dish
Later: A fruit binge
The later was the bad part, but I was proud I added more in.


My Diet Today
On this day right now, for the past 2-3 weeks I've been eating the same exact diet a day.
Breakfast: Apple, plain CHOBANI yogurt with a pear for flavor 
Meal 2: Apple, pear, thick slice of papaya and apricot (which I dip into the yogurt together), CHOBANI plain yogurt, and some pineapple.
Meal 3: Some pineapple, maybe some watermelon, an apple or pear.
I call it meal 2 and 3 because it's not really lunch and supper. Now that it's summer and I get up later, meal 2 is usually around 3:30-4. And meal 3 could be at 8:30 or 10-11. I don't plan the times anymore. I'm focusing on one question: Am I hungry? If I'm hungry then I'll eat. I'm sick of starving. 
Isn't it amazing how I went from multiple full fruits in a day to the diet I have today? It makes me wonder.. I can't fit all that into me anymore.
I'm proud to say I haven't binged for maybe 2 weeks now, that's the longest I've gone since starving myself in the beginning of the year. I'm very proud of myself. :]


I'm trying to get better. And I've been stubborn for so long and I'm just sick of it. I want to live and not be thinking about food 24/7. I don't want to make food my reason for living anymore. I want to be happy with myself. I want to accept my flaws and be healthy. And that's what I'm going to do, no matter how long it takes.