Me and sleep just don't get along well. I'm dead tired. I have a splitting headache because of it and on top of all that my tummy feels weird. All of this switching in food isn't settling well with my stomach. I fucking hate regular food. Fruit keeps you fuller and it tastes better and it's just better. Ths morning I had an apple like usual, and I had like 3 servings of egg whites which is 9 tablespoons-75 calories and 15g of protein. It's actually not a lot. I had it on a piece of toast like normal and that's all. Ugh I felt like I had to puke and I still wasn't full and I wasn't gonna go for yogurt cause it's plain yogurt so it needs a fruit for flavor and I already had the apple. So I just stopped there and sat down tired and disoriented. Then my dad calls my medical group to see about my insurance for a dentist and they needed a number so I told my mom to give me the number and she went full bitch mode and put up this huge brick wall and tried to shove herself into my business. "Tell me the dentist your going to and I'll fax it to them; I'll call them; Who is it who is it?" And I'm telling her there is no dentist I just need the number and she keeps pushing and I scream at her "I need the number because dad needs to check the insurance to see if it covers a periodontist." And she's like, "Well why didn't you just say that?" in this pissed monotone voice and my mouth dropped. Like I fucking told her over and over. Thick skulled bitch.
So then after that my dad took me back to my moms to get my old sleep meds. I only took them once and after that I stopped taking them all together because this one makes me drowsy as fuck and trippy and sick feeling and it lasts to the morning where I'm just tripped out. But I'll try anything.
I hear my dad on the phone with the insurance people right now..It makes my stomach churn..
Anyway, after I left my moms (no one was home, phew) I went to the store and got almonds for I think it's like essential fatty acids or something with oils? I don't know. The nutrition is killer so I'm not gonna eat the serving which is 29 almonds, I'll probably have like 5 one day then go up to 10 then maybe stop at 20. I also got apples and grapes. Grapes are a huge weakness. They're so small and good and it's easy to have too much but I can't stay away haha.
My dad just told me they cover 60% of the bill and he got two periodontists names in the area and he's gonna call and set up an appointment and his words were, "To see what's wrong, and how it can be fixed and we'll take it from there." -twitch- At least he's actually doing something. I love my dad.
When I got back from the store, I was hungry from lack of stuff at breakfast because I have no fucking clue how to portion and what will make me full and what will be too much. I knew when I was on the fruit but it's going to take a hell of a lot of getting used to now.. So I had an apple and grapes. I picked up Chinese just before we came home and I figured if I ate in instead, I'd be having fruit for the rest of the night so I'm saving it for around 5ish or so.
I want to go for a walk now because a bit of the grogginess wore off and I feel weird from the food I've been having. But it's so fucking hot out. I want to go swimming but the pool I belong to has a bunch of people I know belonging to it and I just don't wanna be around stupid little bitches (both guys and girls) who made fun of me or sat there while I was being made fun of. Self conscious CITY.
Dude I still feel hungry. I can tell when I'm hungry but I can't tell how hungry I am so I don't know what to eat. Ughhh fuck it I'll just be hungry until later. I wish I had my nutritionist but my appointment isn't until the 17th.. I'll have to work past it. I keep telling myself tomorrow is another day.
I have a packet my nutritionist gave me and it says I need 1 serving of fruit, 2 servings of starches, 1 serving of milk related products, and one serving of meat/protein. Same thing for lunch except add an extra serving of meat/protein. And same as lunch for supper except add a fat. Like what the fuck I can't do that that's WAY too much food. I only have breakfast and lunch/supper in one day because I get up at 11:20 and have breakfast which I usually finish at 12. Then I get hungry ranging from 3-5. So I eat then, then I don't get hungry till after 8. A lot of times it's at like 9 or 10 at night and fucking hell no I'm not gonna have fucking fat and meat and starch at fucking 10 at night. I'm gonna have fruit because I won't gain and I won't go to bed on an empty stomach or with an upset stomach from the food. Well actually I've been having veggies at night too but moreso fruit. Not bingeing, just like maybe an apple and grapes or an apple and a pear or an apple/pear and a bowl of watermelon. It's nothing extreme but yet I'm freaking myself out that if I don't eat what's on the list, shits just gonna get worse for me. I have to knock it the fuck off, sit down and think. What will make me full, what will be too much, what will be too little, what do I need? I hope I can do this before my brain implodes.
BH wants to go swimming tomorrow with me and this kid she likes. I don't wanna go cause I don't really like this kid but I wanna see BH. No idea what to do.. There's also a meeting for VBS tomorrow night 7-9pm and I don't know haha fun..getting overwhelmed.
Breathe. Breathe. Clear your head. (Hah not possible) Smile because you should. Because you're alive. Because you're beautiful. Because you're succeeding in not relapsing. Because you're getting healthy. Because even though you don't have a lot of people in your life, you have the best dad in the world, you were lucky enough to find your amazing other half and he's standing by you, and you have a brother whose actually trying to hang with you and cares about you, and a friend who wants to see you. Relax. Not everything is as broken as it seems. Relax.
Pep talk.
At my last gastroenterologist appointment, he told me my only real problem is my diet- that it has to change. He said I was too serious and I should just live. Just be a kid. That struck somewhere inside me. I long for that. I should be able to wake up in the morning and have a bowl of cereal and orange juice, go out and hang with friends or walk around and go on an adventure alone like I used to. Have a hot dog for lunch with some chips then come back and have some goldfish and watch tv until supper is ready and just live and not focus my life on food, but the experiences the day can offer. I hope one day I can get there again, before it's too late.
that's great yer dad's workin things out to get yer teeth/gums checked! i'll be keepin my fingers crossed for ya! i liked yer pep talk, too, btw. (i should give myself those more; argh.) one thing occurs to me as i read the bit bout yer daily meal plan, though: i prolly wouldn't be as worried about eatin at 10pm since yer gettin up at 11am or so. you prolly stay up pretty late/til early morning, right? it'd be like a person who gets up at 7am, eats breakfast, etc., and has dinner around 11 hours later at 6pm, then goes to bed around 10-11pm, whatever. just the times are shifted. i dunno. seems reasonable to me. ;) i also think yer questions about how much to eat are perfectly reasonable. good things to ask yer nutritionist. maybe you could spread some of the nutrient servings into a couple of snacks between mealtimes, too, if eating that number of servings at once seems too filling? eating a little bit every coupla hours is supposed to be good for you, anyway.
ReplyDeleteYeah, he actually got an appointment for next week. Nervous but..at least something's being done. :]
DeleteYeah I was thinking that too but it still irks me because it's so late at night..
I like to eat 3 meals, if I ate small meals I'd probably go insane. :\ I can't wait to talk it out with my nutritionist. Thanks for the advice!