Fake

I'm this pathetic, lifeless vessel. 

Everything I do and say feels wrong and I honestly don't know what's right anymore.

I don't have anyone to talk to or be with. The same old situation but.. it's enhanced.

Before I didn't have anyone and I was alone, now I don't have anyone and I'm surrounded by people 5 days of  the week and usually the weekends now too with B and his friends. All the people and I'm still alone.

I cannot find one decent person to be a friend. Mostly everyone is just a body that I talk to about pointless things for a short period of time. It's all fake. Everything is fake. Everyone is fake and everything everyone does isn't real. Everything that happens is not real.

BH is moving and we got in a kind of fight. We were supposed to hang Friday and she basically dicked me over and I was telling B about what happened and he's like "You do know you're pretty much being a dick to her for no reason," and I'm thinking what the fuck? I'm justified. I was not being a dick to her she just keeps making excuses and I got fed up. I am so fucking sick of being judged by everything I say and do by B. I want to be comfortable with him completely and I always thought I was but I recently realized how fucking wrong I am. He needs to let the fuck go of all the judgement and insecurities and trust issues with me. Oh yeah, I didn't mention- He told me he doesn't trust me. Hah. No reason behind it, he just doesn't. It may be related to previous life experience with friends or family or whatever but I never gave him reason to not trust me and I'm being told I'm not trusted. He tried to break up with me and I still trust him. A small hole in the corner but I still trust him with my life because I understand people make mistakes. He is still holding onto the fact he tried to break up with me and won't let it go because of how bad he feels.

I keep telling him he's forgiven, I understand.

But nothing has changed. He's letting it tear a hole in us.

No matter how much we talk. Try to work it out. It'll never be fixed unless he gets over himself.

I heard a relationship functions mainly off trust and communication.

Well, the communication is in the fucking gutter because of the trust being in the fucking gutter.

So basically we're running off bullshit right now.

Awesome.

I just want to find ONE DECENT FUCKING PERSON I CAN TALK TO.

I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF BEING ALONE ALL THE TIME.

Fuck everyone. Seriously.

I know this sounds bad and I don't actually like mean I'd ever do it because like I said- I won't become a stoner, I have more sense- but I would rather be high all the time because being high is just like my life with happiness added. Everything is already surreal and vivid and interesting, that's my derealization disorder. So being high only gives me a happy feeling, the rest is just normal.

I just want to be fucking happy.

I feel so fucking pointless.

I have desire but no direction. I'm going everywhere inside my head and no where in my life.

I'm such a disgrace.