Oh, To Live In A Dream...

Me: I'd rather just live in a dream 24/7.

B: Really? :\

Me: Yeah better than real life..

B: Guess you'd finally have a good boyfriend in your dreams too. :')

Me: What?

B: Just forget about it...what's up?

Me: Haha no I'm not going to forget about it.

B: Seriously Tiana what do you think I meant? If you'd rather just dream all the time then okay. Congratulations, you'd forget about me and everyone else you know in a heartbeat.

Me: Okay, take my words and twist them whatever way you like. :)

B: I'm just fucking sick of all this pretend apathy. You either care or you don't, not both.. and I can't just be in a crappy mood one night or else you think I hate you or something..

Me: Pretend apathy for what?

B: Everything that happens is just "Okay thank you :)" and that's it. I might have well just not have said anything, right? I really must have not said what I did because it means nothing and I want you to just think I'm an asshole for no fucking reason at all "haha". OOOOOPS. I made the mistake of having feelings and opinions and not being an uppity idiot like everyone else.

Me: Jesus, B. You're not the only thing in my life. Sure you're a big part of it but when I say I want to live in a dream it not at all because of YOU. Maybe it's because I don't have a family, I have an eating disorder chewing at my brain every moment of my life even when I'm asleep, I have not one friend, I'm constantly basking in shattering pain because of my stomach, I can't sleep, I can't relax, J hates me for no reason, C won't talk to me, my grandma is going to die soon, and I feel like everything is unreal anyway. And you think you can cover all of that and be the reason I want to live in a dream?

And he just responded: I'm sorry. No I don't anymore.

The last thing I sent, I read over after I sent it. And I broke down crying.

I grabbed my laptop to write this blog because I can't hold this in. I never wrote down what's wrong in my life and I somehow just got every part of it down without thinking about it, it just all came into my brain and I typed it without thinking. That's why it hit me when I read over it I guess. I'm sitting on the floor in a small spot between the edge of my bed and the wall with windows. My closet is to my right. It's open and clothes are draped on my bed and my closet is a little empty on the hooks. I was rearranging clothes so there's less of a chance for anxiety in the morning with outfits. And I was texting B. I didn't mention there's these local bands that play shows at a roller rink about 20 minutes away and last night was a show. B and I went and from the second I got in the car he was monotone everything and through the night it just didn't seem like he wanted me around. He told me later that it's because it was just one of those days where you're in an off mood and don't want to do anything. I understand. I wish he would fucking BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I UNDERSTAND. BUT IT'S ALWAYS A PROBLEM BECAUSE HE DOESN'T FUCKING TRUST ME OR WHAT I SAY. IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT HIM. EVERYTHING HE DOES IN HIS MIND IS WRONG WRONG WRONG AND HE WON'T LET IT GO. I'm fucking sick. I am so fucking sick.

This is too much stress. I was shaking earlier when we were texting. He needs to trust me or this relationship is fucked. I really don't know what else to do.
I was looking in my black laptop screen waiting for it to start up, and I saw my scrunched up crying face. It's sad that when I saw it, I saw truth. Whenever I see my face without the puffy eyes, tears, and scrunched cheeks, I look fake. I am not real. When I am crying, I am real. Because tears..is the only thing I feel.

Now I'm going to get back to my rearranging of clothes and I'm not going to text B back. Not because I'm being stubborn. 

I just honestly don't have anything to say.