I had really.. weird dreams last night. I can't really remember anything but a few parts. I was in this big old stone house and in the middle of a huge floor there was a giant deep square hole. It was like the building was just floorless besides a small sidewalk lining the sides and the rest just made up a hole. I don't know if that makes sense but I can't explain it another way. The lighting was low and eerie. Like in a horror movie. Kids (looked preteen-teen) had these like stretchy bungee looking things and they were holding onto them with their hands and jumping off the edge of the highly placed "sidewalk" and bouncing back up. I think I took one of the bungee things off someone else and tried it.
The next thing I remember is I did something and everyone was gone besides me and someone else. The hole was filling up with blue liquid. Higher and higher until it almost touched me. Something was controlling it, something that seemed otherworldly or paranormal.
I woke up laying on my back, my arms at my sides, my body slightly angled. Cold. Scared. I pulled my comforter up on me and turned sideways- the normal way I sleep.
The next dream I remember is I was in Broadcasting class at school. (I don't know why but I keep having dreams about the first day of school, bad dreams) I came in a few minutes after the bell and instead of going to my scheduled first period, I went to Broadcasting and my teacher said he marked me absent. So I just stayed there all day and missed my classes. (I had another dream about skipping the first day sometime last week) I remember a girl. A girl I never met. She was sitting in a desk next to me and her hair was kind of short, had small natural curls at the bottom, light brownish. She looked sort of mentally challenged. Her name was Courtney. (I'm amazed I remembered the name)
That's all I really remember. But I wonder why I keep having bad dreams about school. I'm not scared to go back, I don't want to go back nor do I dread going back. I'm kind of mutual about all of it. I'm eager to learn but I'm afraid I'll be stuck in classes where the teachers are dipwads and don't actually teach. Just a waste of time. I don't want to be wasting time with bullshit, I want to use my learning time to learn.
Funny, when you're a kid and you do bad and the teachers suck, you're usually the one they blame- not the teacher. Because teachers are oh so perfect at their jobs it's always the one kid who doesn't understand. No. A lot of teachers absolutely suck at what they do to earn money. They're just in it for the money, they don't care about us. My mom offered to put me in cyber school a long while ago. I always kinda wanted to but I'd rather the highschool experience while I have it.
My therapist appointment is tomorrow. She told me to write a phantom letter to my mom because during the last session..I just could not talk about her. I don't know why. She asked me how I felt about certain things that involved my mom and my mind just went blank. She pulled up the chair that I talked to Ed in before and said to imagine my mom was there, what would I say. I couldn't talk. My mind was totally empty. It pisses me off so much. And what pisses me off even more is that before writing this, I tried writing that letter. Nothing. I couldn't come up with anything. I don't fucking understand why my brain can't just spew everything out about my mom that I'm feeling..Cause I know there's a lot. It's bottled up and the bottles cap is sealed shut. That's a perfect tool for Ed because while I can't get the bottle open, Ed can somehow snake through and imaginary opening on a different part of the bottle. A part I need to find. But it's so impossible when I don't know how. I have this feeling that if I don't somehow get how I feel about my mom down on paper..I won't be moving in recovery.
And that's how I feel now. My diet is straying slighty.
I'm not counting calories for everything now, only occasionally when I'm afraid I'll go over a certain amount. But now I know what meals are safe. This happened before. I get comfortable with a food and I stop adding. Then it starts going backward. The not counting of the calories isn't a good thing as much as it's a bad thing. Because I'm not sure, I'm cutting things out because I'm afraid it'll go over a safe amount. Now I'm down to two real food meals and the last is just fruit. I'm going to break the cycle today and move forward. I can't let myself go backward because it happens every time and every time it always ends up worst than the last. One step forward, two steps back..Always.
I've been bingeing/almost bingeing every night now. I'm not going to binge tonight and I'm going to work to make sure it doesn't happen or that I'm not planning it in the back or front of my head. So I'm asking myself some questions:
Tiana, what triggers a binge?
Well, being bored definitely. Being upset. A big one is being alone (and I'm always alone..hah..) And having the fruit available.
More specifically, what foods trigger a binge?
Fruit.
What kind of fruit?
Grapes are at the top. Raspberries and blueberries. Watermelon, cantaloupe. All the big fruits you can cut up because it's easy to consume too much as well. If it's in pieces, it's at the top of the list of easy to binge foods. Nectarines and peaches are at the same level. Pears. Apples are probably last because they're not as soft as other fruits.
So what are you going to do?
I'm going to stop buying grapes, raspberries and blueberries. I've already stopped buying watermelon and all the big fruits. It's the berries and peaches and nectarines that have me. As long as I have the fruit, it will be screaming at me all the time. (I think the reason I stopped bingeing for a bit is because I didn't have that stuff available to me, I was smart and wouldn't buy it because I knew if I did there would be a binge).
Why are you doing this?
I'm sick of hurting my body. I want my body to be healthy and function right so I can feel right physically. Fuck mentally. I'm too fucked up in the head to try and fix it alone. And with fruit. Fruit is not the answer to everything and it certainly doesn't help me in any way other than to feel sick.
On another note, my face is getting oily. Around my nose, upper cheeks and forehead. Sometimes my chin. I asked B why my skin gets so oily after smoking weed and he said, "It either makes your skin oily or it takes the oil away." And now I'm like fuck because I always had clear good skin and now it's all oily and ew..My nose is breaking out a little. Small pimples coming and going. I got Astringent at walmart to put on my face to get rid of the oil..I hope this isn't a permanent thing.
I have a nutritionist appointment on Wednesday. I don't want to go. I've done nothing but fail. She gave me a food journal last time I was there and I haven't wrote a single thing down. I haven't added, I've subtracted. I just don't want to go back because nothing will be available to talk about..
Maybe I'll have my dad cancel since it's probably not do able anyway. It's at 3:30 and usually he doesn't get home till around then. I'd need to find a ride either way so maybe it'd be better.
I have an appointment for my hair on the 23rd. The hairdresser my mom always takes me to and has been close friends with since she was a teenager. I had to call and make an appointment by myself and the date she chose was like instant mouth drop. Every year I get my hair done before school and every year she schedules me on the same day as an orientation, this year she scheduled me on the day I pick up my schedule for school. (I don't need orientation this year) So it's like she doesn't even know and she schedules me on that day. Struck me as funny.
But I'm worried about getting my hair done. It's dry and it's thin and I lose so much hair and I'm afraid what dye will do or what her ripping through my hair will do.. I'm going to look up haircuts for very long hair that makes hair look thicker..I just want my old thick hair back..
