I'm looking at my music library and the majority of it is from B. It makes me sick.
I'm not trying to conform. The bands are actually good. But they're mellow and different from my usual stuff. I've been a metal fiend for years. Parkway Drive and Breathe Carolina have been my favorite bands for as long as I can remember. I have a very diverse taste in music, but metal and techno totally own me. Dubstep is probaby next.
I want to stop feeling like he's so much a part of me.. Even though he is. But in a different way.
Like he lives in me somewhere. That shouldn't be.
I swear he almost broke up with me again. He kept saying stuff that was just leading to it. He said, "We need a break." And instead of freaking out like usual, I played it calm. If that's how he wanted to be, then fuck him. I won't hold onto something that won't hold back. And that's how he seems anymore. The reason he almost broke up with me (or so I think) is because we got in an argument after I told him I felt like he didn't care about me anymore, that I was unimportant. He started blaming it all on him and..he does this thing with me. It's like he makes me sound like what I say is stupidly wrong or misinformed. Even though I know it's not it still feels bad. He started to do that to me. And I still played it calm. And it turned out fine.
Tuesday I told my dad B's friend, R was having a birthday party and he let me skip the therapist. I was fed up so I lied in order to do something I wanted to do.
B and his friends R and BY were going uptown to walk around the larger mall and then go out to eat at Red Robin. The Red Robin part struck me a little uncomfortable. But I'm trying this thing now where I don't give a fuck. After the mall we went there, and I looked at the salads, debating between the one with grilled chicken and apples or the plain grilled chicken one. Then my eyes traveled down a notch and landed on wraps and sandwiches. There was this wrap that looked pretty good in the picture. A spinach wrap with grilled chick, cheese, lettuce and tomato. Fucking. Yum. Ed of course, butted in. "Oh there's a perfectly good salad choice right above, Tiana. They're all less calories than that wrap. That wrap has fat and it's bad. It's not safe, Tiana." And this is where the not giving a fuck came in. The server came and the only part I was nervous about was ordering in front of his friends cause it was awkward. But I was sure when I said, "The chicken spinach wrap."
It was delicious.
I found the separate spinach wraps in walmart the next day. 250 calories per wrap.
When I mentioned in my previous blog that the Bubbly Tea set light to a whole new territory. Well, I'm in that territory now. I've been so bold as to add whole grain eggo waffles, sugar free syrup, weight watchers cheese wedges, turkey slices, and clams. I have some certain kind of cheerios (110 cal per cup), special k crackers, and peanut butter waiting. Soon, I want to have clams or peanut butter with crackers. I want to have a bowl of cereal with a banana. I want to have a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Isn't this completely insane? This is coming from a girl who in the beginning of summer and for many months before, only had one type of yogurt and certain fruit in her diet.
I cannot believe I'm typing this stuff but I am.
My body. I love my body. I love it more than when I was a bone. I have health forming under my skin. It's not a lot on but it's enough to make my body look..right. It didn't look right before. Now of course I have to maintain it. Walks every other day now.
School starts in exactly a week. Goodbye to summer.. I am upset about it but I'm excited to learn and be around people so it's easier to make a friend. And BH will be in my broadcasting class and maybe other classes. I got my schedule today but they obviously fucked it up, so I have to have my dad call and straighten it out.
The other things I'm thinking about toward school is lunch. I'm going to actually pack lunch this year! And I'm going to not be hungry in class. I'm going to be able to finally focus because my nutrition is getting better.
Me and my dad went school clothes shopping this past weekend. I got 6 pairs of pants and a skirt. Maybe about 10 tops and this awesome white leather jacket and a striped black and gray hoodie. Converses, heels, and flats. And I'm still not done! Since my school has a lameass dresscode, I need a few polo's. But this is insane for me. Literally. I never got this much for school. I never got 3 pairs of shoes at once. Or 7 bottoms. That's fucking IN.SANE. I feel so good and so bad. But the good is overcoming it. I'm going to have food and a wardrobe this year. I could cry in happiness. (Not really, but in my mind I can).
So, my lovelies. I'm now a restaurant eater. And that fantasy of how I want my life to be that I mentioned in a previous blog is finally looking real.
Tuesday night I stayed over B's and we smoked a bowl. Things got lumpy. He got in a bad mood and when we decided to go to bed, I layed there with my earphones in listening to music high (my favorite thing to do) and the whole time I was thinking about breaking up. Like I don't know how I was but I was. I feel like we're falling apart somehow. Growing apart, rather.
A bit ago, I wrote this whole blog on a dream I had. But guess the fuck what? I accidentally deleted it.. Spent a good half hour googling on how to get it back..
I'm going to rewrite it. I drew a picture to go with it for a visual. Sorry for the sloppiness but I like visuals and I figure a lot of people do to, so I scribbled something down quick. It won't rotate for some stupid reason so just tilt your head to the right a little.
B has a deck attached to the back of his house, his room has a sliding door that takes you out there.
I'm on that deck. The sides don't have the fence like they do in real life. You could step off into the grass. I'm sitting at a rectangular table, not like the round one he has in real life. Across from my is my neighbor, Priscilla. Next to her is her brother, Caleb. The seat next to me is empty. B's not there.
All the sudden, everything gets dark and I'm zoomed in on a family of bears to my left in the woods. A big one, a bigger than medium one, and two small ones. I try to bolt. Priscilla is whispering, "No Tiana. Stop, stop. Don't move." I stay put. But for some reason I try it again. And again. Each time, Priscilla angrily whispering to stay still. Everytime I moved, it came closer and seemed angrier. But when I stayed still, it roamed back to the woods slightly and calmed down. Still..I kept trying to run.
Finally, I did it. I ran inside the door behind me just in time to see the bear hop up on the deck right behind Priscilla. I thought to myself, "Oh my god what have I done." I ran into out the door of his room and into the kitchen, grabbing a knife off the table. A weird one. The end was curved, kind of like this.
I hear a noise and turn around, jamming the knife upward into the bears chest (it was on 4 legs).
I think it bit my arm as the knife went in. But I can't be sure because I woke up the second I did. It like faded out and I woke up.
I remember I left the door open when I ran inside because I knew the bear would come for me. It only wanted me. I could tell. And I knew if I left the door open it would come inside for me and spare my friends.
I don't know what the dream means but it has to mean something.
I had a dream at B's when I slept over Tuesday. I was in the back of a car and I just remember it going downhill on a swirvy road, one person driving. Rapidly..so rapidly. We crashed and I woke up and touched B's arm. I felt like I was going to cry. Somehow he was already awake. He turned around and asked what's wrong and I told him I had a nightmare and I told him it and he told me it was okay. I loved having him there to comfort me.
Now I'm sitting here by candle light listening to Parkway Drive. There's still more to update on but I'm getting sleepy..even though I'm not going to be able to sleep anytime soon.
New blog sometime soon hopefully. Busy weekend ahead.
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