I had a dream about my mom last night..I really didn't expect it.
I came home to get a pile of pictures of me as a kid (I've been meaning to do that in real life) and when I got in the door everything was tense, anger. So much anger. Shaking, adrenaline. I ran into my room, and got the pictures hanging around my room. Old ones with my friends from the mall photo booth cover my closet, a few pictures of me as a kid in various places. Then my mom appears at my door and is screaming at me that I can't take them. I angrily asked her where my other pictures were.
She gave an angry laugh and ignored me then she walked into her bathroom, doing her makeup in the mirror. I asked her where my pictures where, shouting. She didn't answer. She ignored me completely. Or maybe she didn't even notice me. I stormed out of the room. I got a picture of what the box looked like in my head and I knew where it was. In the living room somewhere. I heavily walked into the living room and threw up the couch (it's a part you put your feet on and it can open) and I looked for the box. It's a small beige plastic box. (I recognize it, my mom keeps cards in one in real life.) There was one there, but it had cards in it. I looked in another small stand thing my mom had forever, there was a box there but it didn't have the pictures. Then I went over to the last cabinet I could think and opened the drawer. Another box layed on top and I opened it, seeing a picture of my baby face smiling teethy big wearing a soft pink jacket. (I don't even think there's such a picture in real life) I shouted "HAH I found them!" and then I heard my mom. She sounded very angry. She was yelling, "No, no you can't take them." And I was kneeling there, the box in my lap, stack of pictures in hand. Her voice was so loud coming from her bathroom then it seemed to fall into the background. Still loud but faded. Then it started fading a little more. Then all the sudden I'm dropping the box and running out the door, everything feeling slow. I'm slamming the door, still hearing my mom yelling. I run into my dads car, breathing heavily. Holding the pictures in my hand. Still hearing her faded voice.
I got what I came for.
Reading over it, thinking about it. It creeps me the fuck out really. There's a meaning blatantly dripping off the words as you read it. And as I think about it, having actually had the dream, it's like..holy shit. It feels bad. Like scary and bad. Like I somehow lost her. I closed the door on her. I can't really pinpoint the exact meaning but I'm getting small bits and pieces. Maybe my mind is finally interpreting what I'm feeling? I don't know, but regardless of the moods of the dream, I'm glad something involving emotion finally showed up that has to do with my mom.
I've been having more dreams lately that I remember when I wake up. Maybe I'm sleeping differently? I hope it keeps happening because if I can't tell how I feel, maybe my dreams can point me in the right direction.
I came home to get a pile of pictures of me as a kid (I've been meaning to do that in real life) and when I got in the door everything was tense, anger. So much anger. Shaking, adrenaline. I ran into my room, and got the pictures hanging around my room. Old ones with my friends from the mall photo booth cover my closet, a few pictures of me as a kid in various places. Then my mom appears at my door and is screaming at me that I can't take them. I angrily asked her where my other pictures were.
She gave an angry laugh and ignored me then she walked into her bathroom, doing her makeup in the mirror. I asked her where my pictures where, shouting. She didn't answer. She ignored me completely. Or maybe she didn't even notice me. I stormed out of the room. I got a picture of what the box looked like in my head and I knew where it was. In the living room somewhere. I heavily walked into the living room and threw up the couch (it's a part you put your feet on and it can open) and I looked for the box. It's a small beige plastic box. (I recognize it, my mom keeps cards in one in real life.) There was one there, but it had cards in it. I looked in another small stand thing my mom had forever, there was a box there but it didn't have the pictures. Then I went over to the last cabinet I could think and opened the drawer. Another box layed on top and I opened it, seeing a picture of my baby face smiling teethy big wearing a soft pink jacket. (I don't even think there's such a picture in real life) I shouted "HAH I found them!" and then I heard my mom. She sounded very angry. She was yelling, "No, no you can't take them." And I was kneeling there, the box in my lap, stack of pictures in hand. Her voice was so loud coming from her bathroom then it seemed to fall into the background. Still loud but faded. Then it started fading a little more. Then all the sudden I'm dropping the box and running out the door, everything feeling slow. I'm slamming the door, still hearing my mom yelling. I run into my dads car, breathing heavily. Holding the pictures in my hand. Still hearing her faded voice.
I got what I came for.
Reading over it, thinking about it. It creeps me the fuck out really. There's a meaning blatantly dripping off the words as you read it. And as I think about it, having actually had the dream, it's like..holy shit. It feels bad. Like scary and bad. Like I somehow lost her. I closed the door on her. I can't really pinpoint the exact meaning but I'm getting small bits and pieces. Maybe my mind is finally interpreting what I'm feeling? I don't know, but regardless of the moods of the dream, I'm glad something involving emotion finally showed up that has to do with my mom.
I've been having more dreams lately that I remember when I wake up. Maybe I'm sleeping differently? I hope it keeps happening because if I can't tell how I feel, maybe my dreams can point me in the right direction.
you know what i get from this dream you had? i get that the pictures you were looking for and eventually recovered from the house were basically pieces of YOU--they're yer friends, yer childhood memories, yer more recent experiences, etc. and you rescued them--you got them out of that angry painful place. i think it's a happy dream--even if doing the rescuing was shit-yer-pants scary. you did it. you got yerself outa there. and yeah--i bet it feels crappy to "lose" yer mom. thing is, i don't think you really lost her; i think you just got rid of how things WERE; you took yerself outa a situation that WAS NOT WORKING. you saved yerself. and that's an act that takes courage and fortitude and wisdom. i'm not blowin smoke. i think it rocks. anything that comes after this (including yer relationship w/ yer mom) will be at least partly of yer own making--and i think that'll be better than what you had before.
ReplyDeleteDamn..thank you so much for piecing it together like that it makes total sense. That's so perfectly right.
DeleteJust thank you. :D