I just wrote this out of no where through a bunch of tears.
Dear Mom,
I miss
you. I miss your warm hugs that always made me feel enveloped in love. I miss
your voice. I miss having fun with you. I miss being with you. I miss talking to
you. I love you so much I can’t put words to it.
But you’ve
hurt me so much that I can’t do it anymore. I can’t tolerate all the bad that
has to come with the good. The bad overtakes the good and all I’m left with is
pain. The good times can’t cover the pain anymore.
It doesn’t
change my love for you or how much I miss you. I wish you could be the mommy
that’s fun and caring all the time. I feel like a huge hole has been punched in
my life because you’re not there. And you weren’t there. Back when I was with
you all I got was complaints and guilt trips and I constantly felt horrible
about myself and things I did because of your words and actions towards me.
Then when I left it got so much worse from you and so much better from being at
dad’s. I have an eating disorder centered around dealing with what you brought
to me. This eating disorder is me walking through the flames in hell. The
flames are coming in contact with my skin and slowly burning me alive. It’s
like this spiral and I don’t know how it can get better because I’m in pain
with you in my life and I’m in pain without you.
You locked
me out of the home I lived in all my life. You actually went through the
trouble to use money you complain about not having, to change the locks on the
house to keep me out. You shut my phone off for no other reason besides to
spite me..I took that as trying to cut contact with me too.
I’m just
so hurt. I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do. You caused so much of this and I
still love you so much.
I just
wish I could find my way. I wish I could have a mom. I wish, I wish, I wish.
But wishings not enough.
I’m sorry
I couldn’t be the person you wanted me to be. I’m just sorry I wasn’t good
enough for you.
Tiana
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