A Fantasy

 I haven't been being totally open in my posts. That's done with.

B is on vacation with his friends until Wednesday. He's getting back at night so I won't be able to see him until Thursday..Kill me. I'm going to be completely alone until he gets back. What with my dad constantly working and B won't be texting much. He'll be swimming or too high to talk to. Yeah, him and his friends are going to be nonstop high the whole vacation. It was planned. Today, the first day they're there- we've barely talked. I mean yeah we talked but it was real conversation. It's spaced out ranging from 10-50 minutes for a response mostly. I miss him already and yeah there's times I went 4 days without seeing him, but I was still talking to him constantly. Now it's like I don't see him or talk to him. I'm already feeling extremely alone and trapped inside my head. I have no distractions and Ed is sneaking in a lot more lately.

 Lately I've been thinking about death..and smiling. The thought is pleasing to me. If I were to get involved in a fatal car accident or be in a place that had a shooting..I wouldn't complain. As long as I was the only one to die. No suicide thoughts (yet), I just don't care about my life. It's too much work and too much negative blasting against the small amount of positive. Yeah yeah, everyone's always like "there's always positive you just never notice the good," that's because the good means fucking nothing when you're using all you have to deal with the bad.

There's a small two day festival type thing near where I live, they have it every year. Lame games, lame bands, fair food, tricky trays, dunk tank. It was Friday and yesterday, I went yesterday with B and his friends. It was my last chance to see him before he left. We got there and sat there. I wanted to get up and walk around, see familiar faces and pretend I didn't see them. Ignore ignore. That's what I do.
I knew they were going to do this. But I didn't know how it was going to go down. They walked down to a near house and there was a kid sitting there. I saw him before, a while ago..somewhere. I just can't remember how I knew his face. They gave him the money, he gave them two small bags.
We walked back and took B's friends car down to the park nearby. We walked up to the group of kids on the picnic table. I recognized almost all of them. One of them was the well known druggie I had a die hard crush on from 7th-9th grade. Like obsessive stalker crush. Not going totally over those words. Small stuff. I didn't like follow him home or anything. I still have a hard time looking at him, so I looked in the distance, B's arm around my waist. My arm around his. B's friend, R, went up to die hard crush and asked him about smoking and they're like oh we have a joint rolled. I caught something about a blunt but I wasn't really listening. I was sitting over on the side with B and his other friend, A. We were chuckling about how we all agreed R is an idiot for talking to die hard crush and his little fucks about smoking. I did not want to smoke with him. I would start shaking. I have no more feelings for him but he still has an effect. An anxiety affect. Like I can't breathe right and I start shaking and blushing. No. I know what that sounds like. It's anxiety, I promise. He said really..hurtful things to me. More than once. Somehow that branded into me. I guess because of how much I was infatuated with him.
Anyway, we walked where no one could see. Just me and B's friends after we pulled R away from die hard.
A got his bowl out. It was B's old bowl he gave to him. It was pretty cool. Blue and the glass was swirled. The hole was at the front though, not on the side like the bowl I'm used to. So they packed a bowl of the weed they just bought and we all went around taking rips.
It wasn't the good "medicinal" weed I mentioned before. It was the weed that put pressure on my head, my eyes, my ears. Made everything slow motion and tired. A groggy blanket draped over me.
Any higher, and I would have been fucked to be out. I would have been in the sluggish I don't want to move because I'm wrapped in a pukey puddle of exhaustion.
We walked back to A's car and passed the group of kids. I was laughing at R. My feet were slightly dragging and my eyes were drooping. A smile on my face as I hoped they could tell I wasn't the good girl they knew. That stupid judgmental caught in themselves group..and fucking die hard.
He drove us back to the festival and we sat there. Everything was better. Since it was getting darker, they had lights on around the festival. The small ones that remind you of spread apart christmas lights..or fireflies. The dully illuminated tents serving food and drinks. The lively pavilion where the bands played old tunes. The soft breeze in the warm air. Everything was suddenly fun and beautiful. It was poetic, a scene from a movie.
After we left, we went to a gas station and B, A, and R got snacks. We sat outside in the beautiful air that was just the perfect temperature, it felt like being wrapped in a cozy blanket of bliss. I watched B snack on a whole thing of pringles, R downed a big chicken wrap that just looked so..so good. A sat next to me eating two smaller wraps and fries with honey mustard. I loved being there with them. It something I'd always want to do. They're an awesome set of friends.
I'm going to go on about something that might seem weird but I've been thinking this for a while.
I'd rather be a guy. Like I would fucking love life. They don't care as much about their bodies and they don't have to do all that much to maintain it. They don't have to care so much about wardrobe, they just wear whatever. They don't have to add any makeup and they can walk outside without makeup and not give a fuck. They're the most confident, amazing things. Just every aspect of the male gender is better. No periods, cramps, mood swings, catty attitudes, no purses, skirts, fancy clothing. No competition for who has a brand name on every part of their clothing. Sure, that happens in the male population, but not nearly as much as in the female. The female is the fucking owners of the words bitch, drama, judging, competition, insecurity. Being a dude. Leave my room a mess, scum out and not care, no taking hours to get ready or trying on a million shirts before finding one that hides what you need it to, just throw something on. Eat what I want and not care. Play video games all the time, smoke weed sometimes, watch movies, and just live a fucking kicked back life.
I can't do that now because of the demands a teenage female with an eating disorder requires. Recovery is a bitch and life revolves around it. It can't be all chill like I desperately wish it was.
And if I was a guy, I'd want to hang with B and his friends. Cause they're the most fucking cool, chilled people I've ever met. But I don't feel like I could fit in because I don't feel like I'm welcome. I feel out of place because of this fantasy I have of wanting to be a dude in their group. No female could ever be like them. There's always competition. Always lies and judging. Always drama.
Anyway, after the gas station, they took me home and B walked me to the door. Me still being half high and my dad was inside. First time facing him high. I wasn't all that worried. B kept asking "are you good?" fuck yeah man. As he was walking me to the door the oddest sudden sensation of wanting to cry enveloped me, tears actually came into my eyes. Hugs and kissed and I miss yous, and he was gone. And I'm alone until Thursday. I went inside and ate. I now know what the munchies are like. I ate a shit ton and OH MY GOD FROZEN BANANA'S ARE A GATEWAY TO ICE CREAM. I ate until I couldn't sit in any possible way and be comfortable. It wasn't exactly like Ed binge..it was like "Oh my god everything tastes so good I must have more I'm still hungry yesyesyes NOM NOM NOM." I actually felt hungry even when I was full. Like psyically hungry.

I've come up with a picture of how I want my life. I want to be me with thicker hair and a high metabolism. I want to eat whatever whenever, be free of an eating disorder. I want to smoke weed and be a stoner. I want to always be with B and do a bunch of chill shit. I want to have a voice and an opinion and just be laid back and love life. I want to live like a fucking hippie.
 Too bad I'm too fucked up for that.