I get to see my therapist tonight. It's funny how whenever I have an appointment, I dread it. Actually I dread it all the time. From the second I leave the appointment up until the next appointment. It's too much work and I hate talking because I don't feel like I'm saying the right things in the right way. I know that's what therapy's for, to fix me up to a point where I can function again..So what I'm saying should be wrong most of the time. But I'm sick of it. I'm so sick of everything. This is so exhausting and my life is so boring. I want to have an exciting life. I feel like I'm wasting my time..No, my life.
Me and BH have gotten closer somehow. I'm not getting attached but two nights ago when B was being a dick, she was there to talk to and reassure me and just be there. She was very appreciative of the convo we had and I can tell she liked talking. She called me her one and only best friend and said all this other touching stuff. It made me feel good..wanted. Maybe there's hope for her yet.
I got a new phone, by the way. A walmart straight talk. It has a touch screen and slides up. I got it Saturday. BH payed me fully on Friday. I slept over B's Thursday and she met us around where he lives. He drove me to her and she hugged me and told me she missed me. She seemed happy to see me. When I got back to B's, she messaged me on imessage (I can use it when there's wifi) and said me and B looked so cute together. Made me feel good. But anyway, BH payed me 57 total so far but when she met up with me, she gave me 100 dollars. I was like holy fucking shit. She only really needed to pay me 80, but we agreed on 130 cause the phone and the plan costed that much, and she pays me almost 160$ total. Like shit, that's sorry money. It has to be. Like "sorry for making you wait so long" money. The phone I got was almost 100$, so then I got the rest as spending money for myself. I got a new purse, two keychains, two things of nailpolish, and this nude lipstick that's highly recommended on the internet (I've been looking forever to get the perfect nude tone because I hate colors). Oh and this little lipgloss thing at Sephora. It smells SO good and it feels amazing. Lasts for hours. But it has almond oil and B has nut allergies so I'm not sure if I can wear it.. But it actually is the perfect nude tone. Hah...My luck.
But the phone is pretty cool. It has cool features.
Me and B are getting a moment to text now. He's been swimming mostly on vacation. I just told him how I'm going to try not to punch my therapist in the face when she asks me "How are you?" I. FUCKING. HATE. THAT. QUESTION. SLDKOJOPEFJAESORIJGEMROGF. I can't even express how much I hate that question.. I always feel like I lie when I answer.. Agh FUCK.
B gets back tomorrow night..I get to see him Thursday. We're going on vacation together this weekend to my most favorite place in the world..I cannot fucking WAIT.
Me and BH have gotten closer somehow. I'm not getting attached but two nights ago when B was being a dick, she was there to talk to and reassure me and just be there. She was very appreciative of the convo we had and I can tell she liked talking. She called me her one and only best friend and said all this other touching stuff. It made me feel good..wanted. Maybe there's hope for her yet.
I got a new phone, by the way. A walmart straight talk. It has a touch screen and slides up. I got it Saturday. BH payed me fully on Friday. I slept over B's Thursday and she met us around where he lives. He drove me to her and she hugged me and told me she missed me. She seemed happy to see me. When I got back to B's, she messaged me on imessage (I can use it when there's wifi) and said me and B looked so cute together. Made me feel good. But anyway, BH payed me 57 total so far but when she met up with me, she gave me 100 dollars. I was like holy fucking shit. She only really needed to pay me 80, but we agreed on 130 cause the phone and the plan costed that much, and she pays me almost 160$ total. Like shit, that's sorry money. It has to be. Like "sorry for making you wait so long" money. The phone I got was almost 100$, so then I got the rest as spending money for myself. I got a new purse, two keychains, two things of nailpolish, and this nude lipstick that's highly recommended on the internet (I've been looking forever to get the perfect nude tone because I hate colors). Oh and this little lipgloss thing at Sephora. It smells SO good and it feels amazing. Lasts for hours. But it has almond oil and B has nut allergies so I'm not sure if I can wear it.. But it actually is the perfect nude tone. Hah...My luck.
But the phone is pretty cool. It has cool features.
Me and B are getting a moment to text now. He's been swimming mostly on vacation. I just told him how I'm going to try not to punch my therapist in the face when she asks me "How are you?" I. FUCKING. HATE. THAT. QUESTION. SLDKOJOPEFJAESORIJGEMROGF. I can't even express how much I hate that question.. I always feel like I lie when I answer.. Agh FUCK.
B gets back tomorrow night..I get to see him Thursday. We're going on vacation together this weekend to my most favorite place in the world..I cannot fucking WAIT.
glad yer girl BH is comin around. may the good times continue. . . . otherwise, shit, re: dreading therapy. so's you know, there is absolutely no "right thing" to say or "right way" to say it. i know it's hard b/c you might feel like the therapist is judging you somehow, evaluating yer every word and body gesture. and yeah, they are in fact trained to do that. thing is, yer therapist ain't judging/evaluating you in the same way some bitch down the street might do. yer therapist is only tryin to get into yer thoughts and feelings in order to figure out the best way to HELP you. so just . . . let that happen. if at all possible. maybe the next time she asks you that initial question--"how are you?"--tell her that you feel awkward/nervous/annoyed/whatever yer feelin, and that you worry you'll say something wrong, and it makes you anxious, etc. in short, be frightfully honest, and say it just how you'd just fuckin say it. and see what she says. i'm hopin she's got the skills and attitude as a counselor to really try to put yer mind more at rest re: sharing yer feelings w/ her. ain't nothin to lose by tryin.
ReplyDeleteI hope so.
DeleteYeah you're right. Ugh..I know all this stuff but I never think of it when I get doubts. It feels good to have someone else point it out, so thank you very much.
I'll definitely try more next session. Maybe I dread it so much because I frequently tell small lies that I think won't hurt me but I think they are..Holding me back from moving forward somehow. It's exhausting feeling like you need to be good enough for someone and constantly lying to make sure you feel that way.
yeah, yer right: lying is generally gon hold you back. for real, it's best just to not get in the habit--or break it if you already got it. honesty's actually one of my pet qualities--i value it very much. and there really have been times in my life where it's come in very handy that i'm known as an honest person; my word was accepted as the truth because i DON'T lie, which is cool, cuz i don't. i'm not implyin yer lies are malicious, btw; it doesn't sound like they are. (and i won't bother to address any utilitarian lies you might tell yer caretakers in order to attain a certain level of personal freedom for yerself--but really if you can get around doin that, esp since yer dad sounds chill and willin to work with you, that'd be cool.) yer sayin you just try to kinda cast a certain impression of yerself or to give the "right"/desired answer, yeah? well, i say don't worry about jumpin through that self-imposed hoop; that IS exhausting. just look inside yer brain, pinpoint how you feel or what you think in response to whatever, and let that be what comes out yer mouth. it's easier and doesn't come w/ any guilt. and it's definitely good enough; YOU are good enough. kk? besides, we can never really be totally certain what others might want/think--but a pretty good bet is that they'll at least respect honesty, even if they don't like the truth. . . . and now my lecture is over, ha ha HA. have a kickass day.
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