Thursday night I had the therapist smiling with what I was saying and she told me she wanted me to get another book called "Telling Ed No!" She let me borrow "Life Without Ed." (which was awesome) and this book is related to it. The therapist or something, I'm not too sure yet. So I got that book today and also the second book to "Life Without Ed." It's called "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me." Both of those came from the Addictions/Recovery section in Barnes&Noble adding up to a grand total of 35 fucking dollars (that my dad payed). Guilt city..
But I'll start off with Thursday nights sleepover I mentioned and work to today.
So after I left the therapist, my dad took me to my boyfriends. When I go inside, T and BY are sitting on the long couch and AL is sitting in a chair directly in front of the tv playing Max Payne 3. They're watching him play and T is texting away on his iPhone which I can see is literally filled with apps and has a bulky black otterbox. BY keeps smelling the bag of weed and talking about the DMT him and T are gonna do. Me and B are sitting there, his arm around me and I'm interested in the game. It's played like a movie and AL is good at it so it's not like you keep getting LOL YOU DIED GOTTA RESTART BITCH. Over the next 2 hours there was getting up so AL, BY, and T could go outside to have a cigarette. Then around 10, all of us go out to the garage so BY and T could do DMT (which I learned is some kind of chemical or something in your brain that gets released when you dream, supposed to give you an out of body experience)
After that we went inside and after maybe 20 minutes his parents were asleep and it was time for the fun stuff.
They decided to role a blunt. I watched as they licked and rolled the weed in. Strawberry flavored outside. It smelled awesome.
Then we went outside and sat in a circle while we passed it around. It was easier to take hits from than B's bowl.
I don't understand how everyone feels it so fast. It takes like 10 minutes to settle on me. A minute after B takes a hit he turns to me with a grin and is like, "You feel that?" and I feel weird cause it takes so long on me.
I also think my high is different from everyone elses. I'm still in my head but everything is different. The way I hear, see, feel, touch, smell, taste things- altered. And it's like everything is dancing this beautiful dance you just want to be a part of. Blend right in and take that spotlight, be able to move like everything else. Of course we all feel that regularly but high, it feels possible.
Thursday night though, I learned I got too high. Which I didn't know there was a limit you had to pass to feel as fucked up as I did.
Bowl after bowl we smoked. I was sitting inside on the couch with B and AL was back to Max Payne 3 and BY and T were sitting in the same spot doing literally nothing. Being slumps.
That's how I was. What I can remember is me telling myself how I felt so I could try to remember sober. It's very hard to remember shit from when you're high. It's like waking up from a dream, except it's more clear. Like if you remember one little thing, it can set off a string of things. You don't forget, you just have to search. It's hazy.
What I told myself was my legs were a million degress and my upper body was rippling with cold and hot and I was sitting there in B's hoodie cause I was cold..but I felt warm. I couldn't keep my eyes open for anything in the world. My head was hanging back and I was just clearly thinking to myself how I felt. When my eyes were open, everything was moving around so much I couldn't stand it.
My mouth was drier than dry, no matter how much water I drank. I had two pieces of gum in my mouth that I couldn't taste and wouldn't keep my mouth moist.
I felt guilty and upset. I kept thinking, "My dad is sleeping and I'm sitting here doing this." It felt so literally horrible. I'd never expect that. I don't have a problem lying to him, I know that sounds bad. I don't get guilty for that shit.
I tried to listen to music through my headphones but when I did, I couldn't. I felt like the music would make me puke. I felt like everything would make me puke. My eardrums felt like they were being sat on. So much pressure on spots of my face. Pressure on my brain, not a headache just pressure.
So morbidly exhausted and dead when I hear, "Let's have another bowl." I couldn't fucking believe my ears.
AL smokes like it's his life's mission so him I get being able to take more. B was up for it and so was everyone else. I wanted more. I wanted to get a good high. So I went out and let B shotgun me. Later they wanted another one? I said no. I literally couldn't.
Finally close to 4am, B called it a night and we went upstairs to sleep in his room while his friends stayed downstairs and slept on the couch.
We woke up and I didn't bring breakfast. Just two cut up apples and a cut up pear. I ate a pear and apple the night before so I ate the other apple around 11am. I woke up at 10 for good (kept waking up throughout the night like usual) and when B finally got up, AL came upstairs and we sat outside on his deck for a bit. I was hungry and all I wanted to do was eat my breakfast cause I could tell something bad was gonna happen if I didn't. And I was right.
When he took me home around 12:30, I got home at 1 and ate my normal pear, apple yogurt and bread. But then I had some grapes and a bunch more. With raspberries. And another apple.
I was hungry.
I went for a walk then my dad came home and we went to pick up my laptop and go food shopping. Before we left though, I had tuna on a piece of bread with veggies and an apple.
Turns out my laptop had a virus that blocked all my USB ports and a bunch of other shit. They had to reformat my laptop, wipe everything and redownload my pictures music blah blah. So all the programs I downloaded were gone. Cool.
Come home and redownload minecraft and try to get that set up but before that, I was hungry. I just ate a lot Friday, all cause my imbalance with breakfast..funny. Fuck. I guess I kinda binged throughout the day. Not huge binges but overeating.
Realized I could grab the skin on my stomach. Freaked out about gaining weight to B. Now afraid I gained weight. I looked something up and it says to tell water weight from fat, grab the skin and let go and if it ripples, its water weight. My skin rippled so I'm praying its just water weight.
That won't get rid of how full I feel right now from eating too much yesterday. Back to the old constipated uncomfortable self. Fucking kill me I wish I could just go to the bathroom and get rid of this feeling.
Last night I was in a horrible mood. That's not how it should've been. I should have had the flowy aftermath of the high. I should have felt amazing. But I was irritated.
I felt guilty how I treat my dad anymore. I'm so monotone and..antisocial toward him. I don't look him in the eye cause I can't. I never really could. The most I really say anymore is yes no and this one fake ass chuckle so he know I acknowledged him. I feel horrible I don't know why I'm acting like this. He's so awesome and I literally just can't help it. (Right when I typed this, he walked out of his room and said "Hi beautiful" and I said, "Hi" without looking and he went into the bathroom)
And now I feel bad..ugh.
I've been spending most of my time with minecraft so all the blank spaces of yesterday and today is basically hours of minecraft with B.
Today I woke up with a bit of an ocd wave going through me. After doing some stuff out of ocd, I took a walk and a shower. Then I sat down and played minecraft with B. Then I had chicken breast and broccoli for supper. Then me and my dad went to the mall a half hour away to look for shorts and get the book my therapist told me about. Literally all the stores the shorts are 20-35$ and all the ones that were cheaper didn't have my size. I ended up getting a 20$ pair that are light blue denim. Cute but I wanted darkwash ones. Cheers to no fucking stores having a decent selection of short sizes in SUMMER.
Then we went to Barnes&Noble and found the book. I picked up, "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me" and asked my dad, "Can I get this one day?" and he said just to get them both. So then we check out and go home. I played minecraft the whole night and had my snacks. Right now I feel a little tired, hungry but full in the lower stomach so I'm in uncomfortable pain. I want to go to bed but I don't think I can. I'm not comfortable anywhere anymore..
But I'll start off with Thursday nights sleepover I mentioned and work to today.
So after I left the therapist, my dad took me to my boyfriends. When I go inside, T and BY are sitting on the long couch and AL is sitting in a chair directly in front of the tv playing Max Payne 3. They're watching him play and T is texting away on his iPhone which I can see is literally filled with apps and has a bulky black otterbox. BY keeps smelling the bag of weed and talking about the DMT him and T are gonna do. Me and B are sitting there, his arm around me and I'm interested in the game. It's played like a movie and AL is good at it so it's not like you keep getting LOL YOU DIED GOTTA RESTART BITCH. Over the next 2 hours there was getting up so AL, BY, and T could go outside to have a cigarette. Then around 10, all of us go out to the garage so BY and T could do DMT (which I learned is some kind of chemical or something in your brain that gets released when you dream, supposed to give you an out of body experience)
After that we went inside and after maybe 20 minutes his parents were asleep and it was time for the fun stuff.
They decided to role a blunt. I watched as they licked and rolled the weed in. Strawberry flavored outside. It smelled awesome.
Then we went outside and sat in a circle while we passed it around. It was easier to take hits from than B's bowl.
I don't understand how everyone feels it so fast. It takes like 10 minutes to settle on me. A minute after B takes a hit he turns to me with a grin and is like, "You feel that?" and I feel weird cause it takes so long on me.
I also think my high is different from everyone elses. I'm still in my head but everything is different. The way I hear, see, feel, touch, smell, taste things- altered. And it's like everything is dancing this beautiful dance you just want to be a part of. Blend right in and take that spotlight, be able to move like everything else. Of course we all feel that regularly but high, it feels possible.
Thursday night though, I learned I got too high. Which I didn't know there was a limit you had to pass to feel as fucked up as I did.
Bowl after bowl we smoked. I was sitting inside on the couch with B and AL was back to Max Payne 3 and BY and T were sitting in the same spot doing literally nothing. Being slumps.
That's how I was. What I can remember is me telling myself how I felt so I could try to remember sober. It's very hard to remember shit from when you're high. It's like waking up from a dream, except it's more clear. Like if you remember one little thing, it can set off a string of things. You don't forget, you just have to search. It's hazy.
What I told myself was my legs were a million degress and my upper body was rippling with cold and hot and I was sitting there in B's hoodie cause I was cold..but I felt warm. I couldn't keep my eyes open for anything in the world. My head was hanging back and I was just clearly thinking to myself how I felt. When my eyes were open, everything was moving around so much I couldn't stand it.
My mouth was drier than dry, no matter how much water I drank. I had two pieces of gum in my mouth that I couldn't taste and wouldn't keep my mouth moist.
I felt guilty and upset. I kept thinking, "My dad is sleeping and I'm sitting here doing this." It felt so literally horrible. I'd never expect that. I don't have a problem lying to him, I know that sounds bad. I don't get guilty for that shit.
I tried to listen to music through my headphones but when I did, I couldn't. I felt like the music would make me puke. I felt like everything would make me puke. My eardrums felt like they were being sat on. So much pressure on spots of my face. Pressure on my brain, not a headache just pressure.
So morbidly exhausted and dead when I hear, "Let's have another bowl." I couldn't fucking believe my ears.
AL smokes like it's his life's mission so him I get being able to take more. B was up for it and so was everyone else. I wanted more. I wanted to get a good high. So I went out and let B shotgun me. Later they wanted another one? I said no. I literally couldn't.
Finally close to 4am, B called it a night and we went upstairs to sleep in his room while his friends stayed downstairs and slept on the couch.
We woke up and I didn't bring breakfast. Just two cut up apples and a cut up pear. I ate a pear and apple the night before so I ate the other apple around 11am. I woke up at 10 for good (kept waking up throughout the night like usual) and when B finally got up, AL came upstairs and we sat outside on his deck for a bit. I was hungry and all I wanted to do was eat my breakfast cause I could tell something bad was gonna happen if I didn't. And I was right.
When he took me home around 12:30, I got home at 1 and ate my normal pear, apple yogurt and bread. But then I had some grapes and a bunch more. With raspberries. And another apple.
I was hungry.
I went for a walk then my dad came home and we went to pick up my laptop and go food shopping. Before we left though, I had tuna on a piece of bread with veggies and an apple.
Turns out my laptop had a virus that blocked all my USB ports and a bunch of other shit. They had to reformat my laptop, wipe everything and redownload my pictures music blah blah. So all the programs I downloaded were gone. Cool.
Come home and redownload minecraft and try to get that set up but before that, I was hungry. I just ate a lot Friday, all cause my imbalance with breakfast..funny. Fuck. I guess I kinda binged throughout the day. Not huge binges but overeating.
Realized I could grab the skin on my stomach. Freaked out about gaining weight to B. Now afraid I gained weight. I looked something up and it says to tell water weight from fat, grab the skin and let go and if it ripples, its water weight. My skin rippled so I'm praying its just water weight.
That won't get rid of how full I feel right now from eating too much yesterday. Back to the old constipated uncomfortable self. Fucking kill me I wish I could just go to the bathroom and get rid of this feeling.
Last night I was in a horrible mood. That's not how it should've been. I should have had the flowy aftermath of the high. I should have felt amazing. But I was irritated.
I felt guilty how I treat my dad anymore. I'm so monotone and..antisocial toward him. I don't look him in the eye cause I can't. I never really could. The most I really say anymore is yes no and this one fake ass chuckle so he know I acknowledged him. I feel horrible I don't know why I'm acting like this. He's so awesome and I literally just can't help it. (Right when I typed this, he walked out of his room and said "Hi beautiful" and I said, "Hi" without looking and he went into the bathroom)
And now I feel bad..ugh.
I've been spending most of my time with minecraft so all the blank spaces of yesterday and today is basically hours of minecraft with B.
Today I woke up with a bit of an ocd wave going through me. After doing some stuff out of ocd, I took a walk and a shower. Then I sat down and played minecraft with B. Then I had chicken breast and broccoli for supper. Then me and my dad went to the mall a half hour away to look for shorts and get the book my therapist told me about. Literally all the stores the shorts are 20-35$ and all the ones that were cheaper didn't have my size. I ended up getting a 20$ pair that are light blue denim. Cute but I wanted darkwash ones. Cheers to no fucking stores having a decent selection of short sizes in SUMMER.
Then we went to Barnes&Noble and found the book. I picked up, "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me" and asked my dad, "Can I get this one day?" and he said just to get them both. So then we check out and go home. I played minecraft the whole night and had my snacks. Right now I feel a little tired, hungry but full in the lower stomach so I'm in uncomfortable pain. I want to go to bed but I don't think I can. I'm not comfortable anywhere anymore..
No comments:
Post a Comment