Last night I slept like shit. I fell asleep around 2ish and woke up for good at 10:40 something. I had to have woken up like 30 times throughout the night. The prescribed sleeping pill isn't working at all and that fact is really fucking annoying. If a prescribed pill isn't working, what will? A brick? Ugh.
I woke up, had breakfast, and went for my walk. The whole time I wasn't in a good mood. When I was walking, all I was thinking was- "I don't want to be walking, I want to be home." Then I'd attack at myself back, "Screw that I don't want to be home there's nothing to do there, I'd rather be walking." And it just went back and forth. That's the first time I did something like that since I started walking. Usually I just let my thoughts run and time eats itself but today I was just annoyed and groggy. I got back home to a text from B saying, "good morning ^_^ you know, you're the most amazing person in the world :] I'm so glad to call you mine :D" which turned an automatic smile on and my day was made. After a shower I just like moped around and hung off my bed and texted B for a bit and stared at the floor. I'm just really beat today.
To top it off I have a therapist appointment tonight at 6. I really don't want to go. I still haven't done the "homework" from like two weeks ago- bring in pictures of myself after the divorce and write down the lies Ed tells me. I haven't been at my mom's in forever and I can't fucking think of any lies me and her didn't already go over so it's like hanging homework that's not going to be done. I feel like we won't have anything to talk about because I won't have anything to tell her. My ED has calmed down and I'm getting steadier thoughts about body image and health. I just feel like all I really need right now is Janet for food ideas so I can move on. Yeah I can still hear Ed's comments but it's easier to just say fuck you I'm doing what I want.
Sometimes he restricts me from eating something or I eat a little more than I intended, but I'm doing good. Food isn't the absolute only thing on my mind all the time anymore. More balanced.
I was thinking last week. The weather has been really tipsy for a long time now. And it hit me that nothing has balance. Everything is faltering. There is no such thing as balance because balance is a part of perfection. And perfection isn't real. Not possible. So what I concluded is that there's no balance, there's just a line being drawn..like a heart monitor. The beeps never remain the same. Beep beep beepbeep beep beep beep.
That thought made me let go of my heavy weight of perfectionism just a bit. And I've never been able to let go of any part of it for my whole life. So that's something pretty big in the thought process. I might explain that to my therapist tonight..maybe it'll give us at least one thing to talk about.
Yesterday afternoon my dad came home and we went to this farmer's market 25 minutes away. They have awesome stuff and food for cheap ass prices. I usually only go for cheap fruit anymore. I used to go as a kid and look around at toys then progressed to accessories as I got older. But yesterday I got this really cool looking purse for 23$. I know, not cheap sounding but whatever. My old one broke..somehow. The straps just like snapped. Then on the way out I saw this hippie looking stand set up. Fucking AWESOME stuff was set out. This older guy was running it maybe 19 early 20's. I walk up and my dad chills at another stand and after I'm browsing for like 3 minutes he says "See anything you like?" and I had my eye on this real cool looking necklace..marked fucking 15$? No way. But I pointed to the necklace and I'm like, "That's pretty cool." And he's like, "The shopowners getting lunch so I'll give it to you for 10 before she gets back." And I made this clicking sound and I'm like, "Eh, man. I don't have ten dollars." He hesitated, "How much do you have?" and I glance at him and say, "Five dollars." In all reality I had 30 something. And he paused again and told me, "Alright I'll give it to you for 5." At this point he was looking around kinda anxious because I guess the owner was coming back. So I'm trying to get the necklace off the stand and I'm just like, "Fuck it." and I hand him the 5 and he's looking the opposite way while I try to get the necklace off. I get it off and I go to leave and before I do I'm like, "Thanks, man." and he winks at me. Like I could tell the whole time he was flirting but I wasn't doing anything back and he was taking my replies as butter on bread and I was just nice enough to lure him down to 5. Fucking sweet huh?
On the way back, we stopped at the mall to look for shorts cause I only have 4 pairs. 2 are useless though they're like nightpants. Sofies and Pink sweatshorts I got on sale forever ago. The black pair I have is from last year or before and they're pretty big and unflattering. Then the only pair I got this year is like faded light blue with rips. Really cute and cheap at Wet Seal. But that means I've been living off pretty much that pair (washing, of course) and it's pretty fucking annoying. So we went looking and K-Mart, Rue 21, JCPenny, Debs- all the places did not have my fucking size. I'm finally going through a rack at JCPenny and I FINALLY catch a 5 in darkwash shorts...That's at 17 fucking dollars? I tried them on anyway. Not that hot. Kinda loose fitting and just..eh. I walk out and I'm like, "They're nice." And my dad was trying to buy them for me and I'm insisting no because the price is so STUPID for one pair of shorts. Maybe I'll go to the other mall a half hour away this weekend and look in Hot Topic and all the stores up there. Real good sales since the economy shit. After that we ran to Walmart then back home. I had a snack then did my laundry in this really awesome smelling detergent my dad just got when we went to Walmart. Then I decked out my purse with keychains I beaded and keychains I've been using on every purse as I switch.
Tried to keep myself occupied since my dad was asleep- no computer. And I still don't have my laptop back.. Ugh.
Tonight I'm staying over B's. I can't wait to see him. I really miss him. I told my dad I'm staying at my mom's again.
Two of B's other friends are coming over and we're gonna do some stuff that make us resemble kites. x] (Refer to blog "Flying High") I can't fucking wait for that really. After my therapist appointment I'm going over. I'm prob not gonna sleep much but awe fucking well I'm used to it. I just can't wait to experience the muuuusic again. :'D
I had a bad dream last night. It involved my dad.. I don't even wanna say it. But it was really fucked up. I woke up wanting to hug him just because it made me appreciate him 10x more..But he was already out trucking.
I woke up, had breakfast, and went for my walk. The whole time I wasn't in a good mood. When I was walking, all I was thinking was- "I don't want to be walking, I want to be home." Then I'd attack at myself back, "Screw that I don't want to be home there's nothing to do there, I'd rather be walking." And it just went back and forth. That's the first time I did something like that since I started walking. Usually I just let my thoughts run and time eats itself but today I was just annoyed and groggy. I got back home to a text from B saying, "good morning ^_^ you know, you're the most amazing person in the world :] I'm so glad to call you mine :D" which turned an automatic smile on and my day was made. After a shower I just like moped around and hung off my bed and texted B for a bit and stared at the floor. I'm just really beat today.
To top it off I have a therapist appointment tonight at 6. I really don't want to go. I still haven't done the "homework" from like two weeks ago- bring in pictures of myself after the divorce and write down the lies Ed tells me. I haven't been at my mom's in forever and I can't fucking think of any lies me and her didn't already go over so it's like hanging homework that's not going to be done. I feel like we won't have anything to talk about because I won't have anything to tell her. My ED has calmed down and I'm getting steadier thoughts about body image and health. I just feel like all I really need right now is Janet for food ideas so I can move on. Yeah I can still hear Ed's comments but it's easier to just say fuck you I'm doing what I want.
Sometimes he restricts me from eating something or I eat a little more than I intended, but I'm doing good. Food isn't the absolute only thing on my mind all the time anymore. More balanced.
I was thinking last week. The weather has been really tipsy for a long time now. And it hit me that nothing has balance. Everything is faltering. There is no such thing as balance because balance is a part of perfection. And perfection isn't real. Not possible. So what I concluded is that there's no balance, there's just a line being drawn..like a heart monitor. The beeps never remain the same. Beep beep beepbeep beep beep beep.
That thought made me let go of my heavy weight of perfectionism just a bit. And I've never been able to let go of any part of it for my whole life. So that's something pretty big in the thought process. I might explain that to my therapist tonight..maybe it'll give us at least one thing to talk about.
Yesterday afternoon my dad came home and we went to this farmer's market 25 minutes away. They have awesome stuff and food for cheap ass prices. I usually only go for cheap fruit anymore. I used to go as a kid and look around at toys then progressed to accessories as I got older. But yesterday I got this really cool looking purse for 23$. I know, not cheap sounding but whatever. My old one broke..somehow. The straps just like snapped. Then on the way out I saw this hippie looking stand set up. Fucking AWESOME stuff was set out. This older guy was running it maybe 19 early 20's. I walk up and my dad chills at another stand and after I'm browsing for like 3 minutes he says "See anything you like?" and I had my eye on this real cool looking necklace..marked fucking 15$? No way. But I pointed to the necklace and I'm like, "That's pretty cool." And he's like, "The shopowners getting lunch so I'll give it to you for 10 before she gets back." And I made this clicking sound and I'm like, "Eh, man. I don't have ten dollars." He hesitated, "How much do you have?" and I glance at him and say, "Five dollars." In all reality I had 30 something. And he paused again and told me, "Alright I'll give it to you for 5." At this point he was looking around kinda anxious because I guess the owner was coming back. So I'm trying to get the necklace off the stand and I'm just like, "Fuck it." and I hand him the 5 and he's looking the opposite way while I try to get the necklace off. I get it off and I go to leave and before I do I'm like, "Thanks, man." and he winks at me. Like I could tell the whole time he was flirting but I wasn't doing anything back and he was taking my replies as butter on bread and I was just nice enough to lure him down to 5. Fucking sweet huh?
On the way back, we stopped at the mall to look for shorts cause I only have 4 pairs. 2 are useless though they're like nightpants. Sofies and Pink sweatshorts I got on sale forever ago. The black pair I have is from last year or before and they're pretty big and unflattering. Then the only pair I got this year is like faded light blue with rips. Really cute and cheap at Wet Seal. But that means I've been living off pretty much that pair (washing, of course) and it's pretty fucking annoying. So we went looking and K-Mart, Rue 21, JCPenny, Debs- all the places did not have my fucking size. I'm finally going through a rack at JCPenny and I FINALLY catch a 5 in darkwash shorts...That's at 17 fucking dollars? I tried them on anyway. Not that hot. Kinda loose fitting and just..eh. I walk out and I'm like, "They're nice." And my dad was trying to buy them for me and I'm insisting no because the price is so STUPID for one pair of shorts. Maybe I'll go to the other mall a half hour away this weekend and look in Hot Topic and all the stores up there. Real good sales since the economy shit. After that we ran to Walmart then back home. I had a snack then did my laundry in this really awesome smelling detergent my dad just got when we went to Walmart. Then I decked out my purse with keychains I beaded and keychains I've been using on every purse as I switch.
Tried to keep myself occupied since my dad was asleep- no computer. And I still don't have my laptop back.. Ugh.
Tonight I'm staying over B's. I can't wait to see him. I really miss him. I told my dad I'm staying at my mom's again.
Two of B's other friends are coming over and we're gonna do some stuff that make us resemble kites. x] (Refer to blog "Flying High") I can't fucking wait for that really. After my therapist appointment I'm going over. I'm prob not gonna sleep much but awe fucking well I'm used to it. I just can't wait to experience the muuuusic again. :'D
I had a bad dream last night. It involved my dad.. I don't even wanna say it. But it was really fucked up. I woke up wanting to hug him just because it made me appreciate him 10x more..But he was already out trucking.
You're right that nothing is in perfect balance; even atoms and subatomic particles are in constant flux in an attempt to maintain equilibrium. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, however. The problem only arises when you confuse an unbalanced perception of perfection with the actual thing.
ReplyDeleteThe perfection you and I idealize cannot be real because it's man-made.