It's like my eating disorder took a break and now my anxiety is taking over. I feel like I'm going insane..at least with my ED's I could have an outlet, something solid to focus on.
My teeth situation is eating me alive. I can't do anything without the feeling being there. My teeth feel weak and exposed and I'm horrified something's gonna happen and since it's my front teeth..Oh my god. I'm having panic attacks like crazy and today my hair is added to the mix. It feels thin. Real thin. Now I'm horrified about that and there's no outlet. I'm asking my dad to set a dentist appointment over and over and I feel like I'm a bother so I'm trying to not ask him as much but now I'm being eaten alive by the need and the fear that if this gets put off something bad will happen. I need it addressed before it becomes worse..and before I go fully insane.
Tonight I went to the therapist and while I was waiting to go in I gave my dad my insurance card to call and see if they'd cover a perodontist and he couldn't see the numbers on the card that he'd have to tell them on the phone so he said he'd call tomorrow. My breath got heavy and I looked down and I felt a huge weight on my chest and I just got panicked and terrified. Wasted time. He asked me what was wrong and I told him my teeth feel sensitive and weak and it's so uncomfortable and I'm scared. He said "Are things moving around in there or something?" and I started crying. Then my therapist walks out when I get the tears off and says, "Is everything okay?" and I nodded once and my dad said no it's not and she invited me in and said, "Do you want your dad to come in?" and I said I didn't care. So we went in and my dad said I was "obsessed with the current situation of my teeth." And I kept saying through tears how uncomfortable it is and after my dad left my therapist asked if I was purging and I said no and she asked if I was eating a lot of pineapple and I said yeah. I actually have been having a pineapple a day for a while. I recently got off drinking this carbonated water called Clear Choice and it had a lot of citric acid in it so I think that's what did it. She told me even a small piece of pineapple keeps her teeth sensitive for days. I don't know what to think. I'm trying hard. I only had 4 pieces of fruit today and grapes. Breakfast: yogurt, some grapes, an apple and a pear. Second meal: apple, tuna, mixed steamed broccoli, carrots and cauliflower, and the toasted whole wheat bread with some egg whites. Third meal: apple, some grapes and blueberries, and broccoli.
I'm like extremely proud of today. That's the littlest amount of fruit I've had since my last starving episode in November. I also had fat with fat which was a huge achievement. Tuna and the bread= 1.5 grams of fat. I haven't ate fat with fat in sooooooo long. I haven't even had fat in so long. Tonight I went to walmart after my therapy session and got forbidden foods. Milk and cereal. Special K blueberry. No fat. <3 More egg whites and more tuna. It was weird seeing more actual food in the cart and only grapes, blueberries and a few pears as fruit. It felt good though. I went in isles I haven't been in for so long. I'm not sure I'm ready for the milk yet though..Sure no fat but 12 carbs and 90 calories for one freaking cup? That's like just enough to put in cereal and then adding the cereals nutrition to it? Holy fucking calories and carbs.. I don't know yet.
I'm on the borderline of being petrified because of my teeth and hair. I can't explain how obsessively horrified, literally horrified I am. I can't be in my own body because the flaws are now turning into things I can't fix. Not just losing weight or toning my body, now it's my gums and my hair. This is no game anymore, I can't keep holding back. I'm definitely not stepping backward again.
My therapist offered the choice of a treatment center and I'm actually considering it. She told me what they do and I'm scared but it seems like I'd only benefit. I have nothing to do with my summer anyway. Research time.
I was talking about my anxiety with my dad and he brought up seeing a doctor without my saying anything. I need meds there's no doubt. I cannot live like this. My mind is swallowing me in fear. Pure crisp fear. Terror. Horror. I don't know what to do anymore cause unlike my ED I can't just push past it and live with the guilt of trying to be healthy-It won't go away. It's stronger than my ED's. I never thought I'd be able to say that about anything. And it's like..insane that it's true because eating disorders are impossible. They're strong and they own you. I'm not talking about when you take the stand, I'm talking about when your caught within the ropes. You take a stand with anxiety? Pshh. You're thrown into the ground.
I just ran my hands through my hair. I'm scared.
I am so fucking scared.
I have to fix this.
Please dear god..please help me fix this..
You're right. You can only benefit from treatment. I do hope you give it more consideration if the option is available to you. The worst thing that could happen is if you stop treatment and relapse, really. Just be sure that you are willing to put in the effort, as that is the only way that progress can be made.
ReplyDeleteI'm still thinking about it, I'm really not sure.
Deletei think this treatment center thing is a great idea. i am not even fucking kidding. take advantage of this opportunity while it is available to you. you will wish you had if you don't and 16 years later such treatment is completely out of the question for you because you don't have insurance and no money to pay for it. i really think that if your therapist and your dad and you think that you would benefit from it in any way, you should go there and check it out.
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