Fireworks and Stuff

I went to the festival and fireworks. It was literally packed. I had to weave around people on and off the sidewalk, stop and let people past- it was like driving on a road. They had small stands set up off to the side of the rides. Everything was really cheap. I got four bracelets and a necklace for three dollars. My dad got ice cream, his usual chocolate with vanilla. The chocolate was like an instant mmmmm in my head because earlier today I got a want for it. Then I was like, "Maybe I can have a taste." And ED didn't say no, I did. Just looking at it made my teeth ache. The cold and the sweet together? I would be in too much pain to enjoy.

We ended up on a hill (there was double that many people by dusk) right in front of where the fireworks were going to be set off and it was really uncomfortable. No blanket to sit on and it was like impossible to actually sit without letting your feet support you. You were either sitting on your feet or planting your feet on the ground to keep from sliding. Yeah, steep hill. So we went up higher and I fount a nitch in the ground where I could put my ass and not slide. We waited..and waited and waited from 8-9:30. Same spot. It rained a little and I was getting a kick out of the black woman behind me. The lightening and thunder started and she said, "Awe damn we gonna get struck by..struck by..thunda." And she was serious, she wasn't like kidding around she just misworded it badly. My dad says to me, "We gonna get struck my thunda." And I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. Then the national anthem starts and she's like, "I love this song! Awe hell yeah this my JAM!" And she was serious again and I was just basking in laughter.
The fireworks- Oh. My. God. I can't even describe the magnificence. I've never seen a better display of fireworks. They used ones I've never seen and they had like extreme moments of fireworks and I was just speechless.
The whole time though, everything felt unreal again. I was sitting on the hill and I was looking at the slew of people spread across the huge field and I felt like I was watching a movie, that I wasn't really there. It felt like it was going in dolly zoom and slow motion at times. The fireworks felt fake too. I don't know it's like.. It's like everyone else is there and it's all real but I'm a childs imaginary friend. I'm not actually there. I feel like I was looking through a veil. That I was separated by something.

B and I barely talked all day. Around I think 3:30ish we got off the computer cause there was no convo and his friend was coming over so I told him to text me whenever. I kept checking my phone and saw nothing. So I felt pretty alone all day even though I was with my dad. I miss B a lot. I honestly feel like I'm loosing him. I might just be paranoid..I don't know.
I've been thinking. I want to start pills again but I'm not sure how I'd even get them. I don't know anyone anymore who can get me shit. I mean sure where I live there's like a million on every corner. It would be cool to trip and speed again to pass time and get my mind off myself. I'm not some addicted druggie I just need anything to get me from myself, even if it's this something. I don't have people anymore, all I have is myself. Might as well have fun with myself.
Regardless I'm gonna go back to my moms and pick up my old sleeping pills. I give up I just can't sleep anymore. I'm waking up with panic attacks and nightmares then I can't fall back asleep. I feel like shit.
I'm shying away from the treatment option and I think I'm just gonna live it hard and die young. I really don't feel like my life can go anywhere and I can't find any help no matter how much I try.
Awe well.
Fuck it all.