Me and my dad put together my desk today. Well technically, he did. I just hung in the living room the whole time and watched him, texted B, and helped the few times he asked. Stupid assembly required..
Anyway, it turned out great. I love it. I'm sitting here right now and it's all set up and awesome. My books are on the top.. oh how I missed my books. My speakers are on either side. It's becoming more homey and I'm loving it.
I have a lot more to do though. Putting stuff away. And it's hard because we got rid of my vanity which had all my 'girl' stuff on it. Hair products, perfume, deodorant, makeup, some jewelry, meds. So now I had to put all that stuff on my nightstand till we find some type of small dresser. My dad was intending to get me a biiiig one but I don't need that. Just give me some plastic drawers in the closet for my clothes and a small table for my girl items and an awesome roomy desk for schoolwork and my laptop and I'm good.
On another note, this was probably waited for after saying about how much food I added back into my diet. The dreaded weight gain. I can tell now. My legs have a little extra, my arms, the back of my hips ("lovehandles") and I put my bra on yesterday and gawked at the reflection. My boobs usually fell into my bra and fit so right there was no way I could have cleavage unless I stuffed the bottoms with a sock. I had cleavage and my boobs are bigger. I thought I would dread this, hate it and feel gross and horrible for gaining more. But the truth is although it is uncomfortable, my body looks like I was saying I wanted to look- womanly. Curves. Healthier. No more only bone. And my mind has altered itself so that I can take it because bone doesn't look attractive on me. I never thought I looked good in clothes even when I was a twig. Something was always wrong. And now I think I know what it was. My body was distorted because I lost in places I shouldn't have. My boobs were barely big enough for my hand, my ass was tiny, nothing to anything. Now I'm filled out and it looks..right. I'm thinking clearer and I can't explain the difference the new food is making. I'm not weak or constantly exhausted anymore. (Sure I'm tired a lot but I wake up a bunch of times and can't fall asleep for a while) I'm not suicidal. I get down but I don't return to that dark feeling. I feel more "up". And hopeful. I still hear Ed everyday. He's counting calories. Making sure I only go a little over 1,000. I know that's bad but any more and I feel like I've had too much. I can't take big meals. This thing my nutritionist gave me has everything I should have on it per meal and a sample menu for 1500 calories and I'm thinking, "Holy fuck do they want me to binge?" I'm not hungry enough for that and I'm confused on what I should be having if I'm not having everything. I'm also worried I'm not getting enough of what my body needs. I tried e-mailing my nutritionist but an automatic reply came back saying she's out of the office till the 30th. So I'm fucked for a while.
I know when I go to my therapist tomorrow and tell her that I can't eat that much, she'll do her stupid little "I know something you don't" smile and say, "Is that Ed or you?" and I'll be thinking BITCH ED IS A PART OF ME. HE'S NOT THIS LITTLE PERSON I CAN SHOOT IN THE FACE. Honestly when she says that shit I really want to rip her hair out. Talk to me as me. Not as "Ed." Ugh..
It's extremely stressful now because the first thing I do when I wake up is panic. What do I have for breakfast? What I have for breakfast determines my whole days diet because the calories in whatever I have affect my other meals. I have to make sure I'm getting what I need in all my meals while staying in calorie limit and it's like pounding on my brain all the time to think. I've actually gotten better in math.. That's horrible.
No one said recovery was easy. I have my diet planned for tomorrow and I think I'm going to try to sit down every night and plan it out so I don't have to wake up on a bad note.
Anyway, it turned out great. I love it. I'm sitting here right now and it's all set up and awesome. My books are on the top.. oh how I missed my books. My speakers are on either side. It's becoming more homey and I'm loving it.
I have a lot more to do though. Putting stuff away. And it's hard because we got rid of my vanity which had all my 'girl' stuff on it. Hair products, perfume, deodorant, makeup, some jewelry, meds. So now I had to put all that stuff on my nightstand till we find some type of small dresser. My dad was intending to get me a biiiig one but I don't need that. Just give me some plastic drawers in the closet for my clothes and a small table for my girl items and an awesome roomy desk for schoolwork and my laptop and I'm good.
On another note, this was probably waited for after saying about how much food I added back into my diet. The dreaded weight gain. I can tell now. My legs have a little extra, my arms, the back of my hips ("lovehandles") and I put my bra on yesterday and gawked at the reflection. My boobs usually fell into my bra and fit so right there was no way I could have cleavage unless I stuffed the bottoms with a sock. I had cleavage and my boobs are bigger. I thought I would dread this, hate it and feel gross and horrible for gaining more. But the truth is although it is uncomfortable, my body looks like I was saying I wanted to look- womanly. Curves. Healthier. No more only bone. And my mind has altered itself so that I can take it because bone doesn't look attractive on me. I never thought I looked good in clothes even when I was a twig. Something was always wrong. And now I think I know what it was. My body was distorted because I lost in places I shouldn't have. My boobs were barely big enough for my hand, my ass was tiny, nothing to anything. Now I'm filled out and it looks..right. I'm thinking clearer and I can't explain the difference the new food is making. I'm not weak or constantly exhausted anymore. (Sure I'm tired a lot but I wake up a bunch of times and can't fall asleep for a while) I'm not suicidal. I get down but I don't return to that dark feeling. I feel more "up". And hopeful. I still hear Ed everyday. He's counting calories. Making sure I only go a little over 1,000. I know that's bad but any more and I feel like I've had too much. I can't take big meals. This thing my nutritionist gave me has everything I should have on it per meal and a sample menu for 1500 calories and I'm thinking, "Holy fuck do they want me to binge?" I'm not hungry enough for that and I'm confused on what I should be having if I'm not having everything. I'm also worried I'm not getting enough of what my body needs. I tried e-mailing my nutritionist but an automatic reply came back saying she's out of the office till the 30th. So I'm fucked for a while.
I know when I go to my therapist tomorrow and tell her that I can't eat that much, she'll do her stupid little "I know something you don't" smile and say, "Is that Ed or you?" and I'll be thinking BITCH ED IS A PART OF ME. HE'S NOT THIS LITTLE PERSON I CAN SHOOT IN THE FACE. Honestly when she says that shit I really want to rip her hair out. Talk to me as me. Not as "Ed." Ugh..
It's extremely stressful now because the first thing I do when I wake up is panic. What do I have for breakfast? What I have for breakfast determines my whole days diet because the calories in whatever I have affect my other meals. I have to make sure I'm getting what I need in all my meals while staying in calorie limit and it's like pounding on my brain all the time to think. I've actually gotten better in math.. That's horrible.
No one said recovery was easy. I have my diet planned for tomorrow and I think I'm going to try to sit down every night and plan it out so I don't have to wake up on a bad note.
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