My periodontist appointment..wow. I was really not expecting this and it made me feel purely idiotic.
I went in and had to fill out this long long paper then a nice middle aged male dentist took me in and did something I never experienced. He goes through my mouth with the mirror and is saying tooth 16 and tooth 23 and I'm like holy shit he knows them by number. Then he goes through each of the gums by my teeth and he pokes three times, once on each side and once in the middle. His assistant is standing slightly behind me copying down what he's ass he goes through my teeth inside and out. 223, 322, 232, 233, 323. All these combinations of 2's and 3's. I was thinking is he testing the sensitivity or the recession or what the hell is going on? I wasn't even expecting that. So I'm sitting there trying not to have a panic attack and bracing myself for him saying how much grafting surgery I'm gonna need.
Then when he's done poking and saying 2's and 3's, he gives me a mirror and tells me to point to the places I'm worried about. I point to my eye teeth bottom and top and my top and bottom front teeth. He tells me if he were to take anyone out on the street they'd have the same problem. That I shouldn't even be worried. That my teeth are healthy. He calls my dad in and tells him the same and my dad says, "Right, well the whole point of this appointment was to put her mind..at rest." And the dentist nods down at me like he's taking care of a confused child. I felt so small and stupid.
I'm not a confused child. My gums have gone quite a bit and my teeth are moving, I'm going to need braces at some point soon if I don't want them everywhere and I'm fucking almost 17 years old. The dentist even asked me, "Did you have braces?" and when I said no he said, "Okay because some of the kids that come in here who got braces when they were older usually have the problems." So basically I'm fucked in all directions.
Wonderful.
This morning was the last day of VBS and after B's mom was gonna take me and B to my mom's to get my stuff. I texted C in the morning to remind him to leave the doors unlocked before he left for work. But wouldn't you know, someone turned my service off. I had to use B's phone. C said he would leave them unlocked. So we pull in and no ones there so I'm thinking yesssss. I go to the front door. Locked. I go to the back door. Locked. Then I started shaking. I climbed down from the deck and B was waiting.
"Is it locked?"
"I'm going to fucking rip my mothers fucking hair out stupid cunt."
I never use the c word. It's a literally horrible word but that's what my mom is. She's horrible.
It turns out my stupid fuck of a brother J locked all the doors before leaving the house, which was after C left for work.
I'm mad. I am so mad I could literally punch my mother square in the face. Change the locks. Cut my service. You fucked with me too hard and now there's no. Fucking. Chance. I'm done. I could look her square in the eyes, smile, and say, "I hate you." And it would be so true. I want her to be broken. I want her to feel how badly she fucked up, just how much she lost. I don't feel the loss because that's just how much I can't stand her. I haven;t missed her a day since I moved here.
I want my stuff. I want my posters and my speakers and my books and my lava lamp. I want everything that's mine to be with me.
We left with me silent and breathing heavy, holding back tears. In the car B's mom was thinking about adding me to their plan for now with my iPhone and my dad just pays the bill instead of setting up a new single plan which would cost more. When they dropped me off, she took my iPhone and she was gonna go to at&t to find out what the deal would be.
I got inside and ate my lunch then B picked me up and we saw The Dark Knight Rises at 3. I barely payed attention to the plot. It was 3 hours and after it hits about an hour and 45 minutes, I'm antsy and my mind glides elsewhere. I can only stay on the movie if I'm deep into the plot. And the plot wasn't all that appealing. But it was a good movie from what I took in of it.
When we got out of the theater, B told me his friend texted and he was gonna hang with them tonight, so I just went home. I wanted to go over since his mom wasn't home and we could have alone time and be together since it's our anniversary and all. He seemed kind of anxious and said something I can't remember that implied that he wanted to go over his friends right there. I said okay and he took me home and I had supper then went to walmart. I'm stunned at what I put in the cart. Fiber One peanut butter and chocolate bars and Fiber One brownies (both 90 calories), Weight Watchers string cheese, Yoplait Light Black Forest Yogurt that I used to get it all the time and it's amazing and sweet and I've been having cravings for sweets lately. I don't know why, if I get my period it should be soon because I got it on the 29th of last month I believe so I don't know if it's period cravings? Even then I haven't gotten sweet cravings in so many months.. I don't understand..
I learned something at the nutritionist that made my mind crack and break open a bit more. This is going to sound stupid but whatever. Fat, protein and carb. I learned these are the only three things you can intake a while ago. I now know that's what makes up the calories. 9 cal per g of fat, and 4 cal per g of protein and carb. I knew that but I never really thought over it. I automatically thought in the back of my head it was extra to the overall calories. When I'd actually bring it to my attention I'd think, "What the fuck are calories anyway? They're not a fat protein or carb." But now I know they come from that and that's what makes up calories. And the thing that wedged it's way into my mind and allowed me to get deeper into new foods (like throwing the other stuff in the cart tonight) was that if I don't have sooo many calories, I should be alright. I'm trying to stay under 1400 now, but my nutritionist said I should have 1800 because I'm active and young. Maybe I'll get up there someday but for now I'm fine. I say that because my body has changed. My pelvic bones aren't poking and I can feel skin on my legs and midsection and front area of my armpit. Not a lot of a difference but I still feel it. It's uncomfortable and unsettling but I'm not backing down. Yes, noticing this has brought Ed's voice in and he has tried to manipulate me. I almost had a "safe" supper but instead I said no and had a hotdog instead.
I will get healthy. I will get confidence. I can do this..Even if I slip and fall a few times.
Keep up the good work Tiana, you're beautiful no matter what.
I went in and had to fill out this long long paper then a nice middle aged male dentist took me in and did something I never experienced. He goes through my mouth with the mirror and is saying tooth 16 and tooth 23 and I'm like holy shit he knows them by number. Then he goes through each of the gums by my teeth and he pokes three times, once on each side and once in the middle. His assistant is standing slightly behind me copying down what he's ass he goes through my teeth inside and out. 223, 322, 232, 233, 323. All these combinations of 2's and 3's. I was thinking is he testing the sensitivity or the recession or what the hell is going on? I wasn't even expecting that. So I'm sitting there trying not to have a panic attack and bracing myself for him saying how much grafting surgery I'm gonna need.
Then when he's done poking and saying 2's and 3's, he gives me a mirror and tells me to point to the places I'm worried about. I point to my eye teeth bottom and top and my top and bottom front teeth. He tells me if he were to take anyone out on the street they'd have the same problem. That I shouldn't even be worried. That my teeth are healthy. He calls my dad in and tells him the same and my dad says, "Right, well the whole point of this appointment was to put her mind..at rest." And the dentist nods down at me like he's taking care of a confused child. I felt so small and stupid.
I'm not a confused child. My gums have gone quite a bit and my teeth are moving, I'm going to need braces at some point soon if I don't want them everywhere and I'm fucking almost 17 years old. The dentist even asked me, "Did you have braces?" and when I said no he said, "Okay because some of the kids that come in here who got braces when they were older usually have the problems." So basically I'm fucked in all directions.
Wonderful.
This morning was the last day of VBS and after B's mom was gonna take me and B to my mom's to get my stuff. I texted C in the morning to remind him to leave the doors unlocked before he left for work. But wouldn't you know, someone turned my service off. I had to use B's phone. C said he would leave them unlocked. So we pull in and no ones there so I'm thinking yesssss. I go to the front door. Locked. I go to the back door. Locked. Then I started shaking. I climbed down from the deck and B was waiting.
"Is it locked?"
"I'm going to fucking rip my mothers fucking hair out stupid cunt."
I never use the c word. It's a literally horrible word but that's what my mom is. She's horrible.
It turns out my stupid fuck of a brother J locked all the doors before leaving the house, which was after C left for work.
I'm mad. I am so mad I could literally punch my mother square in the face. Change the locks. Cut my service. You fucked with me too hard and now there's no. Fucking. Chance. I'm done. I could look her square in the eyes, smile, and say, "I hate you." And it would be so true. I want her to be broken. I want her to feel how badly she fucked up, just how much she lost. I don't feel the loss because that's just how much I can't stand her. I haven;t missed her a day since I moved here.
I want my stuff. I want my posters and my speakers and my books and my lava lamp. I want everything that's mine to be with me.
We left with me silent and breathing heavy, holding back tears. In the car B's mom was thinking about adding me to their plan for now with my iPhone and my dad just pays the bill instead of setting up a new single plan which would cost more. When they dropped me off, she took my iPhone and she was gonna go to at&t to find out what the deal would be.
I got inside and ate my lunch then B picked me up and we saw The Dark Knight Rises at 3. I barely payed attention to the plot. It was 3 hours and after it hits about an hour and 45 minutes, I'm antsy and my mind glides elsewhere. I can only stay on the movie if I'm deep into the plot. And the plot wasn't all that appealing. But it was a good movie from what I took in of it.
When we got out of the theater, B told me his friend texted and he was gonna hang with them tonight, so I just went home. I wanted to go over since his mom wasn't home and we could have alone time and be together since it's our anniversary and all. He seemed kind of anxious and said something I can't remember that implied that he wanted to go over his friends right there. I said okay and he took me home and I had supper then went to walmart. I'm stunned at what I put in the cart. Fiber One peanut butter and chocolate bars and Fiber One brownies (both 90 calories), Weight Watchers string cheese, Yoplait Light Black Forest Yogurt that I used to get it all the time and it's amazing and sweet and I've been having cravings for sweets lately. I don't know why, if I get my period it should be soon because I got it on the 29th of last month I believe so I don't know if it's period cravings? Even then I haven't gotten sweet cravings in so many months.. I don't understand..
I learned something at the nutritionist that made my mind crack and break open a bit more. This is going to sound stupid but whatever. Fat, protein and carb. I learned these are the only three things you can intake a while ago. I now know that's what makes up the calories. 9 cal per g of fat, and 4 cal per g of protein and carb. I knew that but I never really thought over it. I automatically thought in the back of my head it was extra to the overall calories. When I'd actually bring it to my attention I'd think, "What the fuck are calories anyway? They're not a fat protein or carb." But now I know they come from that and that's what makes up calories. And the thing that wedged it's way into my mind and allowed me to get deeper into new foods (like throwing the other stuff in the cart tonight) was that if I don't have sooo many calories, I should be alright. I'm trying to stay under 1400 now, but my nutritionist said I should have 1800 because I'm active and young. Maybe I'll get up there someday but for now I'm fine. I say that because my body has changed. My pelvic bones aren't poking and I can feel skin on my legs and midsection and front area of my armpit. Not a lot of a difference but I still feel it. It's uncomfortable and unsettling but I'm not backing down. Yes, noticing this has brought Ed's voice in and he has tried to manipulate me. I almost had a "safe" supper but instead I said no and had a hotdog instead.
I will get healthy. I will get confidence. I can do this..Even if I slip and fall a few times.
Keep up the good work Tiana, you're beautiful no matter what.
There's research that shows the lack of fat and protein calories exacerbates depression and psychological illnesses (your brain consists primarily of fatty lipids). That's partly why Omega-3s have been shown to relieve signs of Alzheimer's and conditions like depression/anxiety. Coincidentally, it's precisely part of why those with EDs have such difficulty improving... because most avoid fat and protein like the plague.
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