Friday after I posted about my period, things got pretty anxiety boosted because I felt rushed all night. I waited for my dad to get home from trucking so I could get the staple removed (see blog "I Cut My Head") and he came home, ate and took a shower which was maybe a good hour. So it was around 4:30 we left, we got to the hospital around 5. When I was finally taken around 5:25, I began to get nervous but I kept trying to cool myself off by reminding myself the gash is healed and this is the last step and I'm free. No cleaning twice a day with antibacterial soap and applying ointment and being mad careful and uncomfortable. So the guy comes in trying to be all jokey just like EVERY. DOCTOR. THERE... Shit's not funny guys. I ask if it's gonna hurt and he says, "I'll make sure it won't hurt me." And I'm thinking, "Bitch, I'm serious. Do you want me to have a panic attack and burst out in tears?" Fear owns me. So he takes out this like..oversized looking staple remover (hah) and goes to work. I was imagining how they get it out on the way to the hospital and I was right. He cut the staple in half and took out both sides..along with a small tangle of hair. It hurt and stung but not nearly as bad as hitting my head, getting the staple, or the week of tending to the gash.
I left and my head felt a lot better. Free. Big smile.
So then we left around 5:45 and went to WalMart. I got my usual stock of fruit and a bag of veggies. I bought that new Mega Plush mascara from Maybelline they advertised all over tv recently. That gel formula and blah blah blah. Waterproof, for summer. And it actually works pretty good. My new summer go-to. My dad also got me a 10 lb. weight. (I want to start on my upper body. Sit ups are getting shockingly easy and my stomachs starting to feel hard. :D My legs are a bit more toned up and I'm really liking this working out thing and what it's doing to my body. B told me he thinks I got my period finally because of exercise and adding things into my diet, he could be right. By the way, it wasn't just a spot. It's a legit full blown period. I'm so beyond happy. I haven't had that privilege for around 8-9 months. I feel like one weight is lifted and I can smile about it. Counting day 3 of a real period.)
But my dad took his sweet time getting the cold meat and stuff at WalMart so we didn't get out till 6:50. I got home and rushed like all hell to put my food away and get my bathing suit on. My dad took me to B's and we went swimming for maybe 15 minutes, then we went back to his house and went on a rather..epic bike ride. My legs were pure jello. Hills...Ugh. But it was fun. I always have fun with him. Around 9:45 my dad got there and I got home around 10. I was literally shaking at this point from anxiety of feeling rushed. I didn't eat for hours so I had to eat. I had to shower. I had to get food ready for yesterday and I had a shitload of stuff on my bed to put away. So I cut up food and put in into bags fast, and shaking bad. My dad asked me if I was alright because I was so panicked. I don't know why I work myself up so much but I seriously just can't help it..
So I got everything done and layed down but I couldn't sleep for about an hour. I woke up over and over and tossed around in bed. Finally I woke up at 4:58 and I figured fuck it because I had to get up at 6 anyway because my dad had to take me to B's because we were leaving for New Jersey to see his family and go to the Boardwalk. I was craving a song so I got up and got my iPhone and open my window shade for the first time in forever. I propped my pillow up a bit and watched the sky get brighter while I listened to Hey Baby, Here's the Song you Wanted by blessthefall.
So I watched and listened and thought.
When the sky got bright I figured it was time to get up. I put on my glasses instead of my contacts because when you sleep for a small amount of time then put your contacts in they BURN like the pits of hell. I went on my laptop for a bit then I ate and brushed my teeth. I was done at 6 and I put my hair up and put my new "summer go-to" on since we were gonna be in the ocean. I finally got to straighten my bangs because I finally got the staple out. I went and got changed which took like 20 minutes because I, of course.., felt rushed for no reason because I had time. So I went through shirt and shirt. My dad asked if I wanted a coffee and I said yeah only a 12 oz. though. So he came back with a 12 oz. for me and 14 for him. I couldn't touch it. I remember when I was addicted to coffee and Splenda. (I'm gonna post a blog about that) And now I can't even touch it without my stomach churning. For some reason now it just makes my stomach upset as all hell.
We left and hit the road, it took around 3 1/2 hours. We got to their house and left for the boardwalk with his cousin. It was a lot..emptier than I'd expect. But maybe that's because I only ever went to OCMD and the boardwalk was a clusterfuck. We went swimming in the ocean and the feeling of stepping the sand, and the taste of the ocean (even though it was overly salty), the waves, the seashells on shore. It was like a dream scenario. I loved it and I wish I could have stayed all day and collect shells and swim and chill on the beach and make a sand castle. But we stayed for about 25 minutes then walked around the boardwalk. I was afraid to ask to go in any stores cause his cousin was there and it just made me feel rushed..So to avoid a panic attack I just held myself back..Even though there was so many cool jewelry counters and henna tattoos. We ended up in the arcade for the longest. His cousin took us to this like huge screened version of Fruit Ninja and I was like HELL YEAH. So she played then me and B played twice. With all the other games we played we got like 1500 tickets but we had to be back by two and it was 1:45 so we rushed around looking for prizes. B got a deck of cards cause we were talking about that for a while. I got a bracelet, and the girl gave us back ticket things with our amount of tickets left so we just saved them and left. When we got back to his grandma's we chilled for hours. It was boring but I didn't mind. I was too tired to care and B was there so I was fine. I felt like I kept getting in the way though of him and his cousin. I felt like I shouldn't have come because of it so I just sat there for a lot of the time when he was around her so I wouldn't get in the way. I ate in front of people and I didn't care. I was still self conscious but it wasn't as bad. I think if I eat around people who don't know I have an ED, it's easier cause I feel like they can't judge me. I'm just eating cause I'm human, nothing interesting to see or think about. I just eat slow so B was done with his food before me an I felt like I had to finish fast because he was done and waiting for me. I felt really bad but he started playing a game so I was good for a bit. We left around 7 and got back in time to see the fireworks in the development where B lives. We stood on a rock and watched from a distant because we didn't have time to make it down to where they were.
Then they took me home and I started writing this blog last night but I was too tired to finish it. I'm still really tired now. I woke up a few times last night and got maybe 8ish hours of sleep.
I'm really having bad anxiety about something now. My teeth. The gums I noticed receding in February. So I went to the dentist and they said there was some recession and they'd keep an eye on it. But it got pretty bad and I'm just like so worried because I can feel the notches of my teeth and it's making everything worse. I keep having panic attacks and last night on the way home I was looking up the surgery and I felt like my system was crashing. Then when I got home I burst out crying and my dad tried to talk me down. This morning he said when he went to church he was thinking about me and what I could do to calm my anxiety. And he said, "When people have worries that like they call it a monkey on your back. You have a monkey in your mind. We're gonna call it monkeymind. And when monkeymind tries to take over, you say no. Cause everytime you say no it'll get weaker."
And I'm like gawking cause he described what my therapist described to me about ED, spot on. But I can't get rid of this fear. My teeth are bothering me. Like I'm sitting here and they are bothering me. They feel uncomfortable and exposed and sensitive and I'm just horrified. That's the correct word. It's pure horror. It's consuming my mind because this is serious. It's not something mental I can fix, it needs surgery. And it can't take time, it needs to be done before something bad happens that's gonna require something worse to fix it.. My dad is gonna schedule a dentist appointment tomorrow but I'm still so scared I feel sick. Literally sick. My stomach has been extremely upset and I have a constant headache and I just want to cry and take back the wish of a high metabolism. If I had one wish I would wish for my gums to be back to normal and healthy again. God I so badly want that. Fuck everything besides it because I am so scared I'm about to cry right now.
okay, i wanna give you some thoughts i have about this concern you have about yer teeth. from what yer sayin, you are really, REALLY freakin out about yer teeth--and i believe yer main fear is that the gums are receding and maybe your front teeth will fall out and there's fuckall you can do about it? is that right? that would indeed be awful if that happened any time soon. but i'm thinkin it's not real likely since all yer dentist said was that there was some gum recession and they'd "keep an eye on it." i shit you not, my own dentist has been telling me that same thing FOR YEARS, and there is little change in my gums between, say, 10 years ago, and now. (actually, my gums are BETTER now, because i finally quit fuckin smokin, which i did from high school til now, 16 years later.) anyhow, what i think is really goin on with you is that yer kinda kickin ass w/ yer ED treatment--from what you've blogged, you are really doin well. which KICKS ASS. and you should continue doin really well on that. but the anxiety that you were kind of dealing with by concentrating on ED now seems to want to find something new to focus on. like, say, a comment yer dentist made about yer teeth and, later, how yer hair's fallin out (didn't you say you straighten yer hair? does that mess w/ it at all?). the fact is, yer body's gonna go through some changes as it adjusts to the better treatment you're being nice enough to give it these days. you're going to get your period (eat something with iron and minerals in it, btw, around period time, if you get pale and shaky again), you're going to have what seems like fatigue/tiredness at weird times, your digestive system is sure as hell going to buck a little bit. give it a little time to get adjusted to what you're providing it now. which, i'd like to reiterate, is excellent. my bet is your whole body'll start feelin better soon. :D just keep takin good care of yerself, k?
ReplyDeleteYeah that's exactly what I was thinking.
DeleteI know everyone keeps saying it's probably not as bad as I'm making it but they receeded a LOT in the past two months and they were sensitive so I was freaking out. I still am.
I hope my body does respond really, cause all I'm getting now is bad signs.
Thanks for your insight, I appreciate it and it helps!