trapped and trained by vicious minds.: Rag Doll

Friday, July 6, 2012

Rag Doll

Today: yogurt, apple, pear, slice of bread for breakfast. Bag of steamfresh veggies for a snack, then tuna on bread with a few more raw veggies. Then I went for my walk. I feel real iffy about how much real food I had. I feel like I need to go on another walk. But instead I'm just gonna go ice skating.
I wanted to go with B but he's acting really different. I hung with him last night and we went swimming and the whole time it felt like I was with a different person. I felt like I couldn't open up to him like I usually could when I'm with him, so I just kept my mouth shut about a lot of shit. After we went swimming, we watched an episode of Masters of Horror and I layed with him like I usually do when we watch something and it felt a little better because there were no words and I couldn't see his face for expressions.

I really think something wrong is happening and I don't fucking like it. It basically feels like he dropped me for his friends and doesn't care if he sees me and doesn't care in general. I mentioned ice skating last night to him and he said he'd wanna, then later I guess he forgot but he said about going to the mall today with him and R and then today it's just nothing. He hasn't said anything and just before when there was a silence in the convo and I asked if he knew what to talk about he's like, "Hm..are you free tomorrow or Sunday?" so that was like a big smack in the head for tonight and all day I did like everything to plan around tonight. I did my walk early, ate earlier, did my hair and makeup and wham. I'm fucking losing everyone and now him? When will I get a fucking break. Honestly I just keep getting shit poured on me. I wish I could move somewhere different and forget everything and start new with a blank slate in my mind as to food and all my other issues and just be a person people actually want to be with because fuck I must be getting worse because I'm driving him away. Literally I don't have anyone to talk to now so I'm trapped in my head again. At least I can write it out on here but still, what good does it do when my problems aren't in words, they're in real life. Fuck this hurts. He's not even trying in our convo's anymore. I love that kid so god damn much and the warmth of everything he does and says is being sliced in half and I feel so brutally alone and just..thrown out the fucking window.
Whatever. Guess I'm everyone's rag doll.

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Summer 2012 "About Me" (No Longer Applies)

I'm Tiana. (Tee-On-Ah) I have anorexia and binge eating disorder, ocd, depression, anxiety, derealization disorder, insomnia and I self harm. I'm 16 1/2 and my birthday is September 11th. I have a boyfriend who I've been with since October 20th, 2011. When the summer ends, I'll be a Junior. I'm an avid reader, getting a new book is like getting a brand new shiny piece of jewelry. Books are another word in the palm of your hands- an escape. I also write. I remember as a kid I said "Who would want to be an author? It takes so much time." I find it funny because now I just get lost in my mind and the words flow swiftly in the right way. I've been taking ballet since I was 4, and I'm going to spend the next two years becoming more familiar with Pointe. Next to that, I also go ice skating for fun. I started ice skating when I was 10 and I just had a natural bond with it. Might have resulted from ballet and high skill with in-line skating. ;D I'm a 100% movie fiend. I take Broadcasting Communications in school and I intend to go to college for it. I want to do something in that business whether it be acting, directing, photo/video editing, and/or photography. When I'm not dealing with my Ed, I like to think of myself as adventurous. I love finding new things, in my mind or in real life. I have a huge mind that holds a massive amount. I'm very creative when it comes down to it. I love unique things and I like to stand out. People are just so boring. I'm a tomboy. I love jeans and hoodies and tee-shirts and video games. Maybe that's why I love Autumn. Cause I get to wear all that stuff and since it's not nice out- I get to sit inside and play video games like the lazy ass I am. xD Also, I'm not fond of the sunlight or warm weather, at all. I absolutely positively am 100% incapable of judging. If someone told me the most fucked up thing about themselves or something they did, I would not be able to judge in the slightest. I have this view on everyone. Everyone is so beautiful, every part of them. Everyone has beauty in them.

Highest weight:
163 lbs
Lowest weight:
116 lbs
Current weight:
120-125 lbs
Height:
5"5 1/2

I have very long dark brown hair that's naturally straight but I straighten it anyway, and straight bangs. Green/gray/blue/yellow eyes. Pouty lips. Pale skin. I never take off a black stretch choker, a Sapphire heart necklace, small silver hoops, my "Beautiful Strong" bracelet (see blog "The Bracelet"). My hands are always painfully dry and I hate the way lotion feels and smells and gets on everything so I just deal. I used to paint my nails because it just looks awesome but I became too impatient to wait for them to dry and they chip the next day so I just gave up. Thumbs up for pointless info.

Climbing The Ladder

Starting diet: Yogurt and fruit.
June 22- Started walking and doing situps everyday.
June 23- Added Chinese back into my diet.
June 25- Added tuna back into my diet.
June 29- Got my period and started lifting 10 lb.
June 30- Made it a week without quitting added foods. July 2- Added bread and egg whites into my diet.
July 8- Added white chicken breast into my diet.
Current diet as of July 16:
Egg whites, Weight Watchers Whole Wheat bread, 97% Beef Franks hotdogs, Weight Watchers chicken breast, CHOBANI plain yogurt, fruit, vegetables, shrimp, tuna.

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