I Got My Period!

I know this doesn't sound like much, but I haven't gotten my period for months. I got a bit of it today I just realized about 10 minutes ago. It may just be some spotting then just stops but.. it's still blood! I was really worried..like extremely worried. This girl on prettythin.com was talking about how anorexia can lead to infertility and I was like..shit I didn't get my period in months..The last time I can remember it lasting for MAYBE a day was New Years.
But yeah I'm just really happy and I had to update. :D

Still Pushing Through

I went to my psychiatrist today and I was very down and I just didn't want to talk. I didn't want to be there. I was sitting out in the waiting area and I was just thinking, "I'm not gonna show emotion screw that I'm too emotionally drained and numb to be able to." And I get in there and she asked me where my 'homework' was. (I was supposed to write down the lies Ed tells and and bring in pictures of myself as a child) I didn't have it. I told her my week was really rough and I couldn't really think about it. I was living in my mind and Ed wasn't the first thing, he wasn't raping me like usual. Other thoughts were consuming me. She told me when we're detached we go to our minds and think and overthink and she said one of her sayings is "Your mind is a dangerous place never go there alone."
And I've been living in my mind in complete silence and loneliness.

Alone

I feel like all I am is a bother.
I seriously have no one I feel like I'm lost in myself. I'm having such small amounts of human interaction my brain is like falling apart.
I have not one friend. I'm being dead serious. I've lost everyone. I called my mom to hang out tomorrow and she's busy. It's like she didn't even want to hang. My dad's always out on the road..the only person I have. BH is too busy working to be my friend. B is just..I feel like I'm losing him. He ditched me from being bored of people from hanging with his friends. Then today my dad's truck broke down and he wasn't gonna be home on time and I needed to go shopping for tomorrow before my dad had to go to bed, so I told B I don't think tonight could work. Then right after that I find out he invites his friends over. Like I don't get this why doesn't anyone care about me..Care about seeing me..? I feel like I'm just this form of fog. I don't exist. I want to just die. I don't know why I'm so unstable with my life right now. All I want at this moment is to lay on my moms bed, in her arms and just cry. I want everything to be real again but nothing exists. I keep getting closer and closer to full on binges and I'm about to let go because I just don't care anymore. I'm so tired of everything. And I'm so fucking tired of being tired. I'm exhausted. I just want to go to permanent bed. Sleep it all away. Sleep the tiredness away, all the problems. It literally feels like no one exists right now because I'm so alone. Why the fuck am I so depressed.

A Fun Time And.. Moving Forward?

Last night was my last night of tuna and broccoli. So now I have various vegetables added in along with two types of meats: tuna and shrimp. I'm honestly really really scared about chicken. My dad got a rotisserie chicken from the supermarket down the street two days ago. I told him to save some really white meat for me. (It used to be a safe food) And there's some sitting in the fridge. It looks like there's no fat and it's very white so it appears safe. It's just not a known food. Like the last 4 days it's been foods I had in the past 1-2 months so even though I was iffy, they were do-able. Now here's where it's getting trickier. I have step into unknown territory. I said I was going to have a Berry Almond Chicken Salad from Wendy's today..I'm definitely not ready for that yet. Sometime soon though. On a day I go swimming and walking, I'll do it because then it'll be easier. I won't be so afraid. Then maybe I can have it on days I just do my usual walks. I'm really tangled right now. I'm thinking today I might just have my allowed Chinese dish. I don't know if Ed's messing with my mind again or if it's just that I'm getting muscle..

My Derealization Disorder

 Since 6th grade- In my daily life, nothing feels real. What I mean by that is I feel like I'm in a continuous dream. I've lost all sense of reality and I freak out because of it. I don't know why it happens and I can't control it. When I'm alone, nothing exists. When I'm with people, I feel like I'm in a dream. It's not real. It's just always there and sometimes it's worse than other times. Lately, it's been getting worse though. Last night, after I turned off the music and cried until I felt dead, I went to bed but I freaked out first. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and everything just crumbled. I felt trapped and I started checking to see if I was in a dream. A while ago online I looked up some ways to be able to tell. I pressed my hand into the wall, if I was in a dream it would have gone through the wall. I checked the lettering on my shirt in the mirror, looked away, then looked back. If I was in a dream the lettering would have changed. I looked at my face then looked away and back. If I was in a dream my face would be distorted. Everything was as should be. No hands through walls, changing letters or faces. That only freaked me out more. I laid in bed and cried and shut my eyes and open them. I stared at the wall and hugged my teddy. I didn't set my alarm because all I want to do is sleep anymore.

Falling Apart

Today decided to take a bad turn after this mornings post. Now it's just down right horrible. I feel like I didn't move from the depressed kid I was back in 6th grade.
B and me were gonna hang and he cancelled out of no where. I've done that before but he didn't give me a reason and it was like an hour before we were going to hang. I was ready and when I asked what we were going to do he just said he doesn't want to hang. This especially hurt because he was with his friends all weekend. Earlier though, after my walk everything was fine. Then I left to eat supper and run to the store with my dad and then when I got back he was just..so monotone. I felt like he was mad at me. I got off my laptop and we didn't talk for a few hours. I later found out he was napping when he texted me.

Progress?

Day three of not relapsing back into my old "safe" diet, and day four of excersising. Saturday and yesterday, I had my allowed Chinese dish. I get one dish and split it and save the rest for the next day. I thought I'd start off with something familiar so it wouldn't be that easy to relapse. I weening off my old diet because I know how easy it is to stumble and fall right back in. So right now I'm just working on increasing my meal options for my second meal of the day. For the first two days, it was Chinese. Now today and tomorrow, I'm going into a less familiar dish- but still familiar. Canned tuna and a bag of steamfresh broccoli. Wednesday and Thursday I'm going to have the thing I couldn't have two weeks ago- a Berry Almond Chicken Salad from Wendy's. I'm in complete googoo love with those things and two weeks ago when they finally came out and I was psyched, I just couldn't do it. I shoved it in the back of my fridge and threw it out when my dad wasn't around. But I'm going to do it in two days, for two days. After that, I'm going to have four meal options! That's going up from the only one I've been having for months. The most I've had since November is two meal options.
Once that stuff is in, I want to be set with my normal breakfast, one of the options for my second meal, and maybe a salad later or some raw veggies. I don't want to do it, but I'm slowly giving up more and more fruit. It's the "easy" food. The..I guess you can say trigger food. It's delicious and non guilty. But my body can't live on it. Someday soon I hope to have maybe egg whites and diet toast for breakfast..that sound's so impossibly possible. And it feels so good.. Maybe after that- non coated cereal and Silk Almond Milk..Mmmmmm. It's so good to have this kind of freedom. My mind is exploring and I'm not letting Ed consume me with no's. I feel like I can do this.

Desire (May Be Triggering)

There will always be a desire to be Barbie. No flaws. The kind of thin you see on magazine covers and in movies.
If I had one wish- It would be to have a high metabolism for my whole life. Yes, I'd choose a high metabolism over getting rid of Ed any day. I believe if I had a high metabolism, Ed would leave. And if he didn't- I wouldn't gain weight. I would be able to eat whatever I wanted and not restrict and still stay the same. I'll never be able to express how much I will always ache for that.

Anxiety and Decisions

I have this huge issue with saying no in situations and I think it's because I'm horrified to disappoint someone. I feel like if I disappoint them, they'll hate me for not being good enough.
I wish I could learn how to say no and be content with it. It's my decision and I shouldn't feel bad about it. I shouldn't say "I wish I can," because I know I can- I just wish I knew how.
It's like this never ending circle. When I have to make a decision- my anxiety kicks in full notch and I literally can't think. Because of that I panic and I end up not being able to breathe resulting in a panic attack. All from making a decision. I'm just too indifferent about everything..or maybe I'm just too afraid to give one answer because I know it will disappoint..Ugh.. This hits a close level to how annoying Ed is because it's just as uncontrollable. It's like the decision is Ed, and the panic attack is the result besides bingeing or starving.

Turning The Page of The Good Ol' Book

Since yesterday after I hit my head, I've been in this mindset. Like my motherly instincts came out to take care of myself. (Yeah I know it sounds dumb) It's like the old me. Like if you smelled me, I'd smell like an old book. Not a new shirt.
(The new shirt is referring to Ed)
I love it. I just sat here and planned a whole meal plan with the packet my nutritionist gave me forever ago but I never looked at once outside of her office. I might post it sometime soon.
But today, I'm having steamed shrimp with mixed veggies for lunch. I've been on the same diet for weeks with the fruit and yogurt (see blog "My Story") and tonight I'm going to go for a walk and do 30 sit ups again.
Last night I went for a nice walk. No music in my ears, just the sound of kids laughing, the sounds of summer. I worked up a sweat and it felt good to be excersising. I'm going to start working on my body.
I want to add in squats, lunges, pushups, and I want to get lower lb. weights to tone my arms a bit. I want to have a body I can be proud of and be able to call healthy and treat it right. That's what it deserves and that's what I deserve. When I read the "I deserve" I just wrote, I don't fully believe it. Maybe it's just Ed talking. But either way, I'm going to keep going. I can do this and I won't give up.
I made a screen saver last night to remind me to exercise because I get lazy real easy.

I Cut My Head

Yeah I'm just a klutz..
I was straightening my hair to go out and when I went under the sink to get my straightener, I forgot to close the door to underneath the sink and after I was done straightening, I flipped my head over to fix my hair and when I went to flip it over, I smacked my head right into the edge of the door.
I turned around and went to walk out into the parlor to sit down for a second, but then I felt something wet going down the side of my face. Before I touched it, I was like oh god please don't be blood.
And it was. That's when I freaked out. I went and got a frozen bag of veggies from the freezer. Then I called B on first instinct. It took two tries but he picked up and then left to come.
Next I called C, cause I figured he was at work and could tell me what to do and if I needed him he could come down. No answer.
I called J twice, then I called my mom. No answer. I texted her with one hand and the exact thing I sent was, "U NESD 2 pick up i hit my head bleeding" she called right after and told me to put a cold wet wash cloth and pressure on it.

The Night That Called My Parents Divorce

I don't remember much at all. But I'll say what I do remember.
I was 7, it was 2am.
I was woken up and my dad was pissed. My mom wasn't home. My dad got me and my brothers and drove us to the restaurant we owned- where my mom was.
When we got there she wasn't there, so we came back home.
My mom was sitting on the steps crying.
My dad put us in our rooms. I remember loud banging and screaming after that. I was laying there crying with my hands over my ears, yelling, "Stop, stop, please stop."
Next thing I remember, my dad came in and tucked me in, telling me everything was okay.
My dad was drinking that night and got really mad and beat my mom.
 After I heard his bedroom door close, I left my room quietly to look for my mom. I couldn't find her. I peeked outside the back door and whispered, "Mom." Nothing.
The next day my dad took us somewhere and he was pulled over by a cop. My mom was following and she got out of the car with a sling on her arm.
That's all I remember.

Many New Facts and Realizations

My brother J has been freezing my dad out for weeks. Not answering calls, not coming by, nothing. Then I found out he quit his band that he's been in for years. I began to worry a lot about him because this just didn't make sense..So I called my mom. This was the conversation after the hello's.
Me: Do you know why J quit the band?
Mom: I didn't know he quit.
Me: Well..he did, didn't you talk to him or didn't he say anything?
Mom: Well, he's in another band.
Me: ..Okay well do you know why he hasn't been talking to dad or coming by?
Mom: Did your father tell you to ask me that?
Me: No mom. I am asking because I'm worried about him. He quit his band and now he's not talking to dad. What is going on?
Mom: Well..I think it has something to do with child support. They see how it's taking its toll on me and the house.
Me: What do you mean?
I can't remember the rest exactly, but after I asked he that, she went on a rant about how much child support is and how it's such a trouble since I'm not living there and she just kept shoving her guilt trip down my throat until I hung up on her, saying: "It's not my fault. Just because I did what I want to do, just because I don't want to live there anymore does not mean I'm the one to blame. I did what I wanted for my sake, for me. Not in spite of you like you keep thinking."

Small Breakdown of My Family

I have a 19 year old brother who I'll call J in my posts.
Ever since I was born, J showed resentment toward me. I went above and beyond to get him to like me. I would do stuff for him(clean his room, leave him alone, etc.) just to get a hug.
In school there was a small school stand that sold cute school supplies for younger kids. When I had a free dollar, I would buy him little trinkets that were green because that was his favorite color.
I yearned to have a brother who wanted to be my friend. Where we lived, it was all boys. No younger kids, so I was all alone.
He would push me down when I was learning to walk. As we got older, he would scream at me about how much he hates me and I would frequently get the two popular comments, "Go to hell," and "Go die."

Let's Talk, Ed

In regards to my post last night- I'm fine. I get out of control sometimes and lose every ounce of hope and reality. It feels like nothing exists. Like I could hurt/kill myself or anyone. I wouldn't kill anyone but myself..sometimes I get a little shaky. But I'm not totally insane, I promise.
I just had a nice talk with Ed about 15 minutes ago when I realized something.
I put my bikini on because I'm going swimming with B today. (It's finally hot!) Anyway, I was looking in the mirror and I was wondering why my midsection wouldn't get any tinier. I was feeling my upper and lower torso. My lower torso being a bit pooched out from constipation, so I disregarded that because I knew why it wouldn't get tinier. But my upper torso? It wasn't coming to me. Ed was telling me how no matter how hard I try I won't be good enough because I can't get as tiny as I want..or Ed wants rather.

Kill Me

refrain from bingeing? im trying to refrain from taking the bottle of pills in my room.
when did i become literally suicidal. 
i HAVE NO. ONE. no one loves me no one wants me everyone let me go i have no friends i have no family im all alone trapped inside myself and all i am is ed. im only fucking ed and ed is torture.
why should i be alive why shouldnt i get the pills
i hope someone fucking kills me im worth nothing anyway someone just shoot me please i hate myself i want to die i fucking hate ed i hate EVERYTHING

"My Journey to France"

I went to my therapist with a clearer mindset. A more hopeful one and I was able to talk more and listen and open up a little more. I found out that this feeling of thinking everything's my fault, could have very welly developed from my parents being divorced when I was 7. Those younger years the way I coped with it was playing with my neighbors constantly as a distraction. But when I hit 6th grade and we started growing up and apart, I started using food to fill the void. That's when I remember the beginning of bingeing.
She made me draw myself coming out of my ED. I drew a big black circle with white circles for eyes and a white circle for the mouth. I drew me in a pink marker crawling out of the mouth. She asked me, "Well why are you crawling out of the mouth?" And I said, "Because I feel like I'm swallowed by my eating disorder." She nodded her head in approval. She knew, she just wanted to hear me say it.
I got a lot of subtle smiles which made me feel good, like I'm doing better.
She then asked me to draw what my life would be like outside of my eating disorder. I drew myself and stared at the page. Finally giving up, I looked straight at her and said, "I can't."
She nodded with a smile like I did something right.

What Function Does My Ed Play?

I'm going to my therapist tonight. 6pm.
The last appointment sucked bad but I'm determined to make this one worth something and not spend the whole time crying from discouragement.
She told me Thursday to come in today having written down the function that my ED plays in my life.
I just sat down now and it took me 3 minutes to come up with this (I only wrote the idea down, no examples because we discuss them, so if needed I'll also give examples on here):

Moments I Lose Control

There's things I can't control yet about Ed. And these things happen a lot. I just want to write them out.
When someone asks me if I want food, even if it's a safe food, and I say no- no big deal.
But when they keep asking. "Come on please just one piece, just a little bit." Then Ed comes out and I feel like a wild animal has taken over my mind. Then I have to answer with a hard "No."
Then if it keeps going, the wild animal takes over my body and I feel like I could literally punch someone square in the face. Over. And over. This isn't my thoughts, I can't control when I get those feelings.
But the absolute worst is those four words that makes me want to fucking break someones skull.
"It won't kill you." With the occasional additions in the front, "If you have a little-", "Just this once-".
That really consumes me with the wild animal.
Another thing is when I'm eating. The part that annoys me is I'm unable to eat in front of anyone. They watch me and I can't eat. Even if they glance at me. For some reason if they see me eating or know I'm eating, it feels like someone just offended me to the highest level possible. When my dad's home, I eat at the kitchen counter in the corner with my back turned away from him. I move all my food in front of me so my body blocks it and he can't see what I'm eating. I feel like it all has to be hidden. No one can know.

The Mask

 I made this double sided mask for a therapy session two weeks ago. One side is how I feel on the inside. The other side is how I want to feel. The squares of color are what's left of the real me and the black is Ed.

Yep I'm Totally A Cheater

I feel sick. Like I could literally throw up.
It's shit like this that sets me on the edge. Of a panic attack, a razor across my wrist, the heavy desire to rip my hair out, the never ending urge to swallow all of my pain pills.
My ex boyfriend moved away last summer. He just moved back today and we were talking about getting together to catch up. I found out he's going to be working down the road from my dad's and since I don't do shit here anyway, why not walk down and chill for like a half hour sometimes?
Honestly, I feel so beyond weird calling him my ex boyfriend because I went out with him when I was a kid. 12. It was hardly even a relationship. I feel bad looking back at it. I was so mean to the kid. He just liked me so much I felt so bad. But I only went out with him because I felt bad for him and he was a real good friend so I figured it wouldn't be torture. I know that sounds horrible..

An Update and A Discovery

WELL. I am beyond stunned. I came on my account today and saw comments. It's like...I can't even process how good that feels. To have readers is just purely beyond awesome. But comments is just like no words. It's like an honor. Getting a medal. Especially because it's encouragement and positive words. One comment was anonymous which was just WOW. Someone finds my blog and comments. I hope this keeps happening because it's just so..again I can't find a word. xD I'm just overjoyed.
Anyway, a little update because I didn't post yesterday. My dad let me skip the recital last night and I didn't go to the pool party. It was chilly...Why is it so chilly. It's summer. It's late June. I think mother nature's soul was corrupted.
Anyway, I went out with B and we went to the park and talked and goofed around and went on the swings and merry-go-round. Then we went to the lake and watched the water and talked and chilled. Then I went home. Fun eventful day, huh? I was really tired though.. I think it's because I slept past 12pm. I think I'm gonna set an alarm for like 11:20 or so.  Why 11:20 instead of 11:30 (which would make so much more sense). When I open my eyes at 11:30 and a second later it's 11:31, it might as well be 12. 11:20 is the perfect balance. 11:00=too early. 11:30= too late. So BAM outsmarting time, and uselessly babbling.

I Don't Know Me

I just realized I don't know me. I can't say "I don't know who I am," because I do. I know my name.
I haven't known me since I was a kid. I'm just this body of nothing...No wonder it was so easy for Ed to sneak in. He gave me a personality and told me right from wrong (his versions) and what I should and shouldn't do. Now I understand why it's impossible to see the line between myself and Ed. My voice and Ed's.
So now I'm sitting here. Completely...blank. It's like Ed is all I know how to be. I've never had healthy eating habits so maybe I am just Ed. I know there's a different person inside there somewhere...But it's lost. It's a needle in a haystack the size of the universe.
I am truly lost.
I honestly don't know what to do. As I'm typing this I'm typing in like a slow motion because the reality of the words just keep sinking in.
How am I supposed to get rid of Ed if that's all I am? Sure I have a name, a birthday, favorite colors, a favorite animal, interests, hobbies. But the way I act toward myself and other people is all Ed. I don't know how to...
I'm just so confused. All I can say is I feel completely. And. Totally. Lost.
I'm not giving up on recovery... it's just wow. Once I'm farther in recovery, what is going to happen? I don't know how to be a person. I'm just this walking eating disorder.
What the fuck is wrong with my brain...

Therapists SUCK

I am so mad about my therapist appointment last night. I went in with a smile and when she asked me "How are you?" like usual- I said alright..like usual. I hate that question.
But she sat down in her chair and looked at me. Squinting her eyes a bit with a humorous expression.
She asked me how I've been, and I said, "Better, I haven't binged in weeks and I feel a lot better and I'm pretty proud of myself."
Then she asked me how my moods have been because I told her how I was having horrible mood swings for a long time. I told her my mood has been pretty neutral except for moments of breakdowns, but I'm not always snipping at things.
Then she asks me what I've been eating and I told her the usual and she asked me again and I said "Just what I usually have everyday," and then she asked me again and I said just the yogurt and fruit for breakfast and lunch and fruit later. Then I told her what I was talking about in my last blog- About starting over because I stopped bingeing. I said I wanted to go back to the nutritionist and get more added in because I think I'm ready. Then I said, "And I'll just start excersising more so I don't gain weight. Then this is where shit got really fucking confusing and started pissing me off.
She said, "Do you see what's going on?" And I'm like, "..What do you mean?" And she kept asking me in different ways and I'm like BITCH WHAT DO YOU MEAN STOP TOYING WITH ME. (not out loud) So then she makes me sit in her chair and she pretended to be me and said everything I said about what I was eating and I'm just thinking, is this some kind of bitch joke to annoy the shit out of me? Cause it's working.

As Long As I'm Skinny...

Everything feels so pointless. And by everything feeling pointless, life feels pointless.
What's the point in going through recovery? What's the point in living if I'm not doing anything with myself? I feel like I'm trying to walk this path and I'm stuck on a treadmill.
I was thinking about recovery last evening and this morning. The book I'm reading (Life With Ed) tells me that when you start going through recovery a lot of things are out of place. You have to answer questions you didn't think about before.
"Did you do good on the test?" Doesn't matter, I'm thin. "If you keep putting things off everything will go wrong." Doesn't matter, I'm thin.
I would always think that to every question since my anorexia started. I don't face it, I just pin everything on my weight because being thin is the only thing that matters to me. Or should I say mattered. My health is blurring the line of what matters.
I remember last summer when I was badly anorexic. (Not eating or having an apple a day) And my friends would tell me, "Eat, you have to eat." I would wrinkle my face in disgust at that word because when they said eat, all I'd hear is "Fat." Then they'd say, "I don't want to be visiting you in a hospital or going to your funeral. I don't want to see you sick." I wouldn't even think about their concern. I would instead say right back, "My health doesn't matter as long as I'm skinny." And those were my exact words.

Afterthoughts

I remember last summer when I was badly into anorexia, my mom said "Don't lose anymore weight you don't want to look like a boy."
In fact, all the adults would said "Don't lose anymore weight" when they saw me.
I actually got a lot of "You need to gain some weight" comments in there too.
I want to have a sexy body. And I can say that and mean it. Being a bone isn't attractive because like my mom said..it's just not feminine. I'm becoming more of a woman and I want to look my age and I want to look healthy and sexy.
But when I tell myself, it's okay to gain a little weight. I say no. Rather Ed says no.
But I know if I gain a little more, I can maybe accent my curves, actually have an ass, and not look so flat chested. I used to have a big boobs and a big ass but when I went from 163 to 116..things changed big time.
When I see girls who are curvy I just think of how beautiful they are. Then I see the girls who are bones and I see a different kind of beauty. And I want both. But I can't have both.
I'm just confused, I'm caught in a loop of confusion..

Break It Down

In ballet rehearsal, I was reading "Life Without Ed," like I said I would in my last blog. And she came across things that scared me. She said, "Recovery means gaining weight." And when I read that, Ed jumped in immediately. He said, "You're going to jump out of recovery right now because you can't gain weight. It can't be done because I know you won't let yourself because I won't let you. It doesn't matter if your healthy. You have to be thin."
But before he even finished the thought, I just felt mentally tired. Just tired. I'm tired of being unhealthy and that's finally blurring Ed's voice. I want to get my period back, I want to have life in my eyes, I want to be able to do stuff without getting weak and tired, I want to laugh and mean it. I want to live.

Bye Ballet

It's 11:20am and I'm sitting on my couch watching reruns of Jimmy Neutron, never too old for this show or Spongebob. xD
This morning, my dad woke me up at 9:30 instead of 11 like he said he would. I needed stuff from my mom's because my ballet recitals are Friday and Saturday, and rehearsal is today at 4pm-9pm.
My dad got called to go trucking earlier because the load was ready sooner, so he had to wake me up earlier to get the stuff.
I'm so tired. I went to bed at around 2:30-45. 11am was pushing it for me..and then 9:30? wtf.
Whatever. I now have a coffee sitting next to me. 12oz. I used to drink 24oz but then my gastroenterologist told me it "dries you out," plus I started to feel like I didn't need it after school ended.
I just need it today because I'm going to be moving tonight. I don't want to move.
I'm saying goodbye to ballet after this recital. It's because my Ed's and depression. I still love it, I just don't have the will.
I've been taking it since I was 4 and I'm now 16. I'm going to miss it but the pleasure of not having to move will probably overcome it...
This may be my only time to blog, unless I have the energy or time when I get home after 9 tonight.
It's not much but it's an update.

Just an Update

Ugh..All day.
Home alone. Ed kept snaking in.
Recently I just feel hungry. Even after I just ate, and I'm pretty sure I'm eating a good amount.
I don't get it but it's just giving Ed a nice little slot there to fill up.
Ever since I slept over B's. I left after I ate supper and I didn't eat my usual snack later, i had small ones throughout the night.
And now I'm just always hungry even though I ate the same yesterday and today..
I hope it stops.
I joined this website called PrettyThin today, my boyfriend found it for me but I didn't realize I already made an account, just never went on.
I was looking around and found a chatroom, at first it didn't look like they were even talking about eating disorders, but then I went in and after a bit, I started talking to some people.
It was amazing to hear someone say they understand what I'm feeling. I don't know anyone else with an eating disorder so I always felt alone.
I got to help a girl, get advice, and talk to people who understood. This site I think will help me in my recovery because everyone I talk to listens, but they don't understand. Even if the people can't talk with me, reading about it and relating to it will make this alone feeling lesser.
Crossing my fingers.

An Amazing Sleepover

Yesterday was..amazing.
I woke up and I had ballet rehearsal for one of the recital's finale's. That was 1-2. Then I went home and rinsed off the grossness and greasiness from my hair not being washed. (I scum it on the weekends)
Then I ate and got in my bathing suit and secretly packed some other stuff.
My dads a truck driver and he was going out on an overnight ride so I decided to stay at my boyfriends. (B)
I stayed at B's once before over Easter break. We don't "do" anything.
Like I said, our relationship isn't like others.
We just chill hard and it so fun because it's so comfortable and 0 weirdness and you can be yourself with someone who..defines half of you. So it's a perfect fit.
Before he picked me up I was jittery. I hadn't seen him in a day away from a week. Longest ever gone. I was ready to grab him and kiss him and coo about how adorable he is and just stare at his face and smile like I did Monday when we went to the movies.
But..I got in the car and everything changed. It felt like I was being picked up by my best friend. Only a friend..not my boyfriend. I started to get scared cause the feeling lasted almost the whole night.

My Song

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm okay
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not okay
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day



My ex friend showed me this song when my anorexia was at its worst and it's been..my song ever since.
I don't know of any songs about eating disorders besides this one.
Courage by Superchick.

I Won't Cry

I'm talking to him and I told myself I wouldn't cry.
In my blog "The Fight," I said it'd come back at me hard.
It's doing that.
I can't trust him. I feel like every word I say has to be right.
I'm trying so hard to make every response long, give him all I have.
It feels like I lost meaning to him...
I'm so scared and yes I'm crying.
I walked in the bathroom and I just broke down.
I'm hurt...
This hurts so bad.
I love him so much I just want to hold him and cry and talk about it but I can't right now.
I feel like I need to get out of my mind...I can't take this.
He promised we'd work though everything, that he'd never leave me. He promised and he lied.
I just can't process the pain.
There's this gap missing when I talk to him now. I think it's the trust I held so strongly there...It's empty.

The Kids and a Salad

My next door neighbors (who I mentioned in my post "My Story") are all home schooled and always have been.
Priscilla and Rachael graduated already. Rach just graduated from college..I can't believe it.
Priscilla graduated last year.
Then there's Caleb, Kristy (14), and Josiah (16).
I've known all them since I was 3.
They have a ceremony at this church across from the mall. It's all Christian-based.
Caleb graduated today. Ever since I've known him, he's determined. He gets stuff done when it needs to be done and he goes above and beyond what he needs to do. I envy his love for God and how he knows who he is. His creativity and his friendliness. Never fake. He's a true example of a genuine person.
Me and Priscilla we're the best friends out of all of them. They're all my added family.
I called them "The Kids." I don't know where it came from but that was my term.
But I can't be personal with them. They were just always there. Always friends.
Everyday after preschool, kindergarten, 1st grade to maybe 6th grade. When the mall and boyfriends started. When I turned into a teenager and all of us grew up more and stopped playing so much.
They were the only things that got me through my horrible times as a child.
They were my escape. Into pretend worlds, creative games.

The Fight

I really don't want to even think about it but I have a feeling if I don't let it out, it'll come back at me hard somehow.
 Last night me and my boyfriend had another fight.
But this was like the fight. We were bitching back and forth and I was being my stubborn self and then he said "I give up." Those words scared me breathless. I didn't know what he meant. He told me we need to take a break. Time to "find ourselves." Then he said "what if we still talked every day and hung out and loved eachother in a different way?"
Even though he said wasn't breaking up with me, I died.
I can't explain the feeling I got. But I can try.
It was like a close family member just died.
I was shaking uncontrollably, my heart was the only thing I could hear in my ears, I couldn't breathe. It was like a panic attack times ten.
Then my insides crashed. Everything felt like it stopped working. It felt like my body was hollow, pointless.
I suddenly felt completely lost.
My body felt like it was crushed and flat and nothing but my skin was left intact.
The life left me.
The first thought I had was "I'm never eating again." then immediately that little Ed thought that came in during a weak point, was crushed by "I'm going to kill myself." Big letters in my head.
I always thought about suicide before but I never actually thought I could do it. But at that moment, I felt I could actually stand up, go to my room and swallow all my Naproxen. (a pain pill I take for my migraines)

Wrong

UGHHHHHHHHH. I'm so pissed off.
I'm pissed off at my boyfriend too. All I can say about my life right now is what the fuck.
I get this extreme urge to rip my hair out. Pull it real hard.
But from anorexia, my hair became thinner so I can't take a chance. Instead I go for the razor.
But I'm hold back and I'm writing it all out right now.
What's wrong. Okay T, think what's wrong.
My boyfriend is being so fucking unreasonable but I really don't care because I miss him so bad I feel like crying. I haven't seen him since Monday and it's now Friday. In the almost 8 months we've been dating, we never went that long without seeing each other...aerojigtaweopkfmodigjm I'm going insane.
I just want to be in his arms and kiss him. I just want to see his face.
Have you ever been away from someone for so long, you feel like they don't exist? Like..your forgetting or something. That's how it's feeling with him and since he's so important in my life, it's hurts so much more. I just feel like he doesn't feel the same...I don't know.
We don't have a typical teen relationship, it's like I found this missing half of me. It's not two people in a relationship, it's one. I know that sounds cheesy as fuck but that's how I feel and he said he feels the same, and I believe him.
I just wish we didn't fucking fight so much...

Babbling

I love the feeling of air conditioning. It's 75 degrees out right now and it's really sunny.
The sun hurts my eyes, a lot. It gives me instant migraines. So I wear huge sunglasses.
I'd rather be inside all the time.
But I want to go swimming right now, like really badly. But it's not quite warm enough today.
The forecast has been shit since we got out of school. Rain, cold. Way to go, PA.
I want to do something tonight but there's nothing to do and no one to do anything with.
I pushed all my friends away and there's nothing me and my boyfriend can agree on..
so right now it looks like I might be stuck home tonight..again.
This isn't how summer should be. -___-

Afternoon of Cooking

Today I cooked raw chicken for the first time.
It smelled amazing and I would have killed to take the smallest bite. I added tomato, shrimp and Free Zesty Italian.
Mmmmm. But I cooked it in butter and water.. Butter is horrible.
Awe well maybe one day. I made it for my dad and he couldn't stop complimenting how tender and tasty it was. It made me feel good.
I guess I found one good thing I got from my mom, her mad awesome cooking skills. xD

Definitions for Binge Eating and Anorexia

Binge Eating:

Binge eating disorder is characterized by compulsive overeating in which people consume huge amounts of food while feeling out of control and powerless to stop. The symptoms of binge eating disorder usually begin in late adolescence or early adulthood, often after a major diet. A binge eating episode typically lasts around two hours, but some people binge on and off all day long. Binge eaters often eat even when they’re not hungry and continue eating long after they’re full. They may also gorge themselves as fast as they can while barely registering what they’re eating or tasting.

 People with binge eating disorder struggle with feelings of guilt, disgust, and depression. They worry about what the compulsive eating will do to their bodies and beat themselves up for their lack of self-control. They desperately want to stop binge eating, but feel like they can’t.

The Bracelet

I made this bracelet a few months ago, It was initially for binges. 

I planned to look at it when I felt I had to keep going and it'd remind me I don't need it because I'm beautiful and strong. It didn't work. I wore the bracelet everyday anyway.

The story of the bracelet:

the black T is for the first letter of my name, the heart is to tell me to love myself, and the pink beads represent my inner child. I used the inner child because there was this article I read on eating disorders about how if you were standing in front of yourself as a child, would you give them what you have now or would you want them to be healthy? I chose that I'd want myself to be healthy. I wanted to represent that and my favorite color as a child was pink, so I made the beads pink.

The bracelet had meaning but it didn't have a meaning. It felt like an empty piece of plastic because it wasn't doing what I wanted it to do.

Now I look at it and it has a meaning. But not the meaning I intended it for. It's there to remind me of those two most important words. That I am beautiful as myself, that I can't have the ideal perfect body and that's okay. I'm strong because no matter how many times I fall walking along this road to recovery, I'll get right back up and keep walking-even if I break my ankle.

I just have to push more meaning into the bracelet and believe it more along the journey.

My Story

Bullied
I've been bullied since I was little. I have two brothers and they would physically abuse me and scream horrible things at me. They made me feel worthless. My parents divorced when I was seven and I lived with my mom mostly with visits to my dad. Recently, I moved with my dad because my mom is unbearable. She's difficult, she doesn't listen, and she makes me feel like she doesn't care about me. I parent her.
I have to constantly remind her to schedule appointments, and get stuff done. I had to leave because it was during school and my brother's are out of school, they're 19 and 22. They would stomp up and down the stairs, slam the door and cupboards in the kitchen. They just wouldn't be quiet. My mom kept making excuses and not taking care of it like usual. Then one night I was laying in bed. My mom had the living room tv up high and my brothers were stomping around, playing music loud, the usual.
I peeked out the door twice. The first time, I told my mom to please turn the tv down and I told my brothers to be quiet. I layed back down and I could still hear everything. The second time I peaked out, my brothers and my mom all screamed shut up. It took me a few hours to fall asleep which wasn't good considering I have horrible insomnia on top of that. The next day in school I was a wreck, baggy clothes, no makeup, ponytail, snapping on everyone, wanting to fall asleep in class but not being able to because my insomnia works around the clock. It was hell. When my dad picked me up from school, I broke down crying and told him why. I went back to my moms house and got two garbage bags and two suitcases full of stuff and I've been at my dad's ever since. Maybe 2 months now. Me and my mom have occasional contact but it usually ends up in a fight because I can't talk to her.

Meeting Ed

Ed is my Eating Disorder.

Ed is this lying, deceiving little personality inside my mind. I shouldn't say little actually, because he pretty much owned me. My mind was consumed with Ed.
He's the stronger voice that fights with my weak voice, and he always won.
He always won because I didn't know him, I thought it was me.
Recently I started seeing a therapist and she did this technique during a session that surprised me really. I've seen it in movies but I always thought it was some kind of joke. I never thought I'd be doing it.
What happened was beyond my belief.
She pulled up a chair across from me and sat back down in her chair.
She pointed to the chair across from me. "I want you to imagine your eating disorder is sitting in that chair," she told me. "Tell Ed what you're telling me, how is he making you feel?"
I looked from her to the chair and starting out I was shy so I didn't  address Ed directly I said, "He ruined my life, he's taking everything from me. He made my life miserable. I'm not happy anymore, I can't live."
She then repeated everything to the chair as if she were talking to a person.
Then she told me to sit in the empty chair and respond to what I just said, as my eating disorder.
I felt weird but I was willing, so I kept going.
I sat in the chair and looked at my empty spot on the couch.
"You're weak," were the first words out of my mouth. "You're stupid. You have no say, I'm in control and I always will be. You're worthless, you have no hope. I own you."
I have to say, it was so much easier to talk to myself, than it was talking to my eating disorder. I felt strong, powerful. Like those harsh words meant something.
When I was myself, I felt weak and my words felt like nothing.