Last night was my last night of tuna and broccoli. So now I have various vegetables added in along with two types of meats: tuna and shrimp. I'm honestly really really scared about chicken. My dad got a rotisserie chicken from the supermarket down the street two days ago. I told him to save some really white meat for me. (It used to be a safe food) And there's some sitting in the fridge. It looks like there's no fat and it's very white so it appears safe. It's just not a known food. Like the last 4 days it's been foods I had in the past 1-2 months so even though I was iffy, they were do-able. Now here's where it's getting trickier. I have step into unknown territory. I said I was going to have a Berry Almond Chicken Salad from Wendy's today..I'm definitely not ready for that yet. Sometime soon though. On a day I go swimming and walking, I'll do it because then it'll be easier. I won't be so afraid. Then maybe I can have it on days I just do my usual walks. I'm really tangled right now. I'm thinking today I might just have my allowed Chinese dish. I don't know if Ed's messing with my mind again or if it's just that I'm getting muscle..
I've been going for walks everyday since Friday and they're intense fast cardio type. I use Shape-Ups and they really help with toning. I used to wear them when I walked and my legs looked pretty good until I stopped walking. I can't tell if Ed is turning the muscle into fat in my mind. And because I started walking when I started adding more foods, I honestly can't tell. I'm worried, like I'm tangled in confusion on what to do again. This is the point where I would usually turn back..But I have to keep stepping forward. I can't go back this time. I just don't know if I'm ready yet.. Ugh I need guidence..
Maybe I'll have just a small amount of chicken, make some egg whites for the missing protein and have some veggies? Ugh I don't know..
In another note last night my mom picked me up after work, and it was actually fun.
Around 6, she picked me up and we went home. For the first time I walked inside and I missed it. I went in my room and I missed it. I walked outside and felt the pools warm water and I remembered night swimming and laps and I just missed all of it. That icky feeling about everything was still there though. I think I'm going to start staying there a bit more..I just have to work my way into it. But when we got there, J got surgery on his septum cause it was deviated or something..I think that's the word, so we had to get his prescription filled before the pharmacy closed at 8. We left and got it filled. I saw this cute little pill case you hang off your purse so I asked my mom and she got it for me. We decided to go to the YMCA and swim for a bit because it was a little too chilly to go swimming outside in the pool at home. We to to the Y and my mom being a con artist, told the clerk we had free passes but she washed them on accident and the clerk let us in for free (this is the 2nd or 3rd time she did this), we walked up the hall and I was choking back laughs, then when we turned the corner, we both start giggling. After getting dressed, we went swimming and we swam back and forth and I was joking with her and she was joking with me and we played around in the shallow end- doing silly ninja moves and making fake sound effects..Being goofs. Laughing loud and enjoying it.
We stayed till about 8:15 then changed and left. There's this really chill coffee shop a few minutes away so we stopped there to finishing filling out a job and my Big Brothers Big Sisters application. My mom always knows what to put and my dad just kind of..doesn't. So we sat there while a guy strummed his guitar and the other played his keyboard. There were only two other people sitting there. There's this one older guy with a beard that hangs with this maybe 40 year old who has some kind of mental disorder and a growth in his leg..It makes me feel so bad to see that. They're always there when we go. My mom knows all of the 4 customers that were there. Plus the cashier. There was some other younger girl who was sitting at a back counter on her laptop, she might have worked there I'm not sure. It was such a comfortable environment I just wanted to live there. My mom ordered a small fruit bowl and we ate and filled them out and then left. She took me home and things ended on a good note. This is a perfect example of when I catch her in a rare good mindset. Where we can just joke and goof around.. It feels good to know that side of her. I just wish it came out more often instead of the bitch guilt tripping mom..
Today I kept waking up in the morning and I finally got up at 11, before my alarm went off. After having breakfast, I went on my walk and did my 30 situps and then took a shower. Now I'm sitting on the couch waiting for my dad to get home..which he said would be around three.
oh, that's awesome--just read in this post yer fillin out applications, right . . . ? that's so cool! i'll keep my fingers crossed for you! then, on another note: i'm sad to see how the next day after this fun time yer ma didn't seem to have much time for you. i don't wanna offend you or hurt your feelings or anything like that, right? but i gotta say i'm not surprised by it--and from what you say, i don't think you're all that surprised either. but it IS heartbreaking. it's heartbreaking to read about and it's a helluva lot worse to experience. it seems like she wanted to feel closer to you, so she made that happen--but once she had her needs met, she doesn't have time to meet yours. (your needs, btw, are completely and utterly reasonable; OF COURSE you want to spend quality time with your mom; you're her child!) listen, kiddo. you can't keep getting emotionally fucked like this, okay? have you talked to yer therapist about the emotional rollercoaster of acceptance/rejection yer ma's taking you on? i hope so. cuz i think it's prolly at the core of whatall's goin on w/ you. keep yer chin up. and meanwhile, don't worry about yer boy. i know it sux that he ain't around to hang w/ at the moment, but sometimes boys (and girls!) hafta miss their partner a bit to keep things fresh. hopefully he don't have a stick up his ass about anything. ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks!
DeleteThat actually makes sense.. and it really does sound like her. I talk to my therapist about her but we don't really dissect it.
And that is true, thanks for reminding me that! I keep overthinking everything.