I just realized I don't know me. I can't say "I don't know who I am," because I do. I know my name.
I haven't known me since I was a kid. I'm just this body of nothing...No wonder it was so easy for Ed to sneak in. He gave me a personality and told me right from wrong (his versions) and what I should and shouldn't do. Now I understand why it's impossible to see the line between myself and Ed. My voice and Ed's.
So now I'm sitting here. Completely...blank. It's like Ed is all I know how to be. I've never had healthy eating habits so maybe I am just Ed. I know there's a different person inside there somewhere...But it's lost. It's a needle in a haystack the size of the universe.
I am truly lost.
I honestly don't know what to do. As I'm typing this I'm typing in like a slow motion because the reality of the words just keep sinking in.
How am I supposed to get rid of Ed if that's all I am? Sure I have a name, a birthday, favorite colors, a favorite animal, interests, hobbies. But the way I act toward myself and other people is all Ed. I don't know how to...
I'm just so confused. All I can say is I feel completely. And. Totally. Lost.
I'm not giving up on recovery... it's just wow. Once I'm farther in recovery, what is going to happen? I don't know how to be a person. I'm just this walking eating disorder.
What the fuck is wrong with my brain...
hey there. stick with your recovery, kid. one day, one hour, one minute at a time. okay? i get where you're coming from. you remind me a lot of myself; that's why i'm compelled to comment, here. i'm twice your age and push friends/boyfriends away like you do; trust me, you don't want to be doing the same thing when you're my age; it gets SO old, these self-destructive patterns of thought and behavior. hang w/ your counselor, even if she's annoying sometimes. she's right a lot of the time, yeah? cut her some slack when she seems to be wrong, then; it might turn out she was saying something valuable, after all, and it was just hard to see at first. anyhow, sorry for the advice-giving, here. don't wanna sound like a know-it-all (i'm not!). but keep going; you're stronger than maybe what you think you are. and one more thing, maybe most important: you can write. you have a way with words. and i do NOT hand out that compliment lightly. (i actually came across your blog while researching for a short story i'm writing.) keep writing. do this blog or come up with characters and write stories about them. just a suggestion. i think you'd be good at it.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying my best, I know sometimes I sound hopeless. It might take a while to get used to actually doing everything it will take..But I won't back down. Especially when I get a comment that tells me people are reading. And a comment like yours, gives me hope and encouragement. Thank you so so much for reading and the positive words. I know what you mean with the counselor and I'm not going to give up. :]
DeleteI wish you luck in your life. (And your short story)
And also thank you very much for the writing compliment, all of this means so much.
I agree with J (above commenter), in everything said. I couldn't have said it better myself x
DeleteI still think that you are improving remarkably. And sight is the first thing you need to get well.. and you are seeing things. You won't see everything at first, who does? But you'll get there.
And as for who you are, you will learn that along the way, sweetie. Heck, *most* people don't know who they are at 16! And if they did, I'd be a little worried! ;) I think of who I was at 16 and I've changed *tremendously*, you are so mature for your age already, you will do wonders with this struggle behind you. I have every faith in you.. But, first and foremost, you need to be doing this for *you* and you seem to be... that is the way to go.
You're an amazing person, sweetie, *I* know that much already ;)
Much love x
I'm trying to open my eyes more.. I just need to open them a great amount to be on board with everything this is gonna take. But I'm going to keep pushing through and with comments like these- it's going to be a lot easier! Thank you very much, once again!
DeleteSweetheart, you're very welcome x
DeleteWhen I read this I can understand why you might view it as a bad thing..but maybe, just maybe this could also be turned into a good thing? You said youre blank, well this is a great oportunity to become who you really want to be :) think how amazing this could be!! :D
ReplyDelete