Break It Down

In ballet rehearsal, I was reading "Life Without Ed," like I said I would in my last blog. And she came across things that scared me. She said, "Recovery means gaining weight." And when I read that, Ed jumped in immediately. He said, "You're going to jump out of recovery right now because you can't gain weight. It can't be done because I know you won't let yourself because I won't let you. It doesn't matter if your healthy. You have to be thin."
But before he even finished the thought, I just felt mentally tired. Just tired. I'm tired of being unhealthy and that's finally blurring Ed's voice. I want to get my period back, I want to have life in my eyes, I want to be able to do stuff without getting weak and tired, I want to laugh and mean it. I want to live.



I was also thinking heavily about why I lost interest in ballet and it came to me.
I didn't.
I wanted to do Pointe (up on tippy toes) this year but they wouldn't let me unless I took regular ballet. Regular ballet has been worn out past the point of being able to simply "put up with it" anymore. It's torture.
I'm not going to quit ballet. I'm just going to make sure I get the point across when classes start again in September, that I'm only going to do Pointe and if they have a problem with that- there's two other dance studios in the town up.
I was watching the hip-hop girls and I always had a thing for hip-hop since I did cheerleading when I was 10.
The way they moved has only become more appealing. You move a lot and it just makes a hard statement that screams at you. It's strong and powerful and fun and the careless and precise at the same time. It's beauty. But the hip-hop at my dance studio is..bad. I can't explain it. It's just..off time and lacking. The music isn't a good pick. I want genuine hip-hop with a heavy beat song that's easy to move to.
I was thinking I'd take Pointe next year and hip-hop, but hip-hop I think is out.
I don't know I have to give it more thought.
But then I came up with a compromise me and my boyfriend were talking about. I was taking an hour of Pointe and two and a half hours of regular ballet since September. They're not putting Pointe, the one thing I was putting up with regular ballet for, in the recital. That pissed me off beyond belief.
So there are two recitals, Friday and Saturday. I was thinking I'd just do Friday since I'm in two numbers, then skip Saturdays.
Saturday there's a pool party with the Youth Group up the road. They have a DJ and my neighbors (The Kids) will be there. My boyfriend can come too. I'm thinking, why do nothing for three hours Saturday to only do one 2 minute number when I can be having a blast with my life friends and boyfriend?
I don't want to do the recitals period. I don't want to do regular ballet on stage, I want to be up on my toes. But I told my dad and he started bitching about how I can either do "both or none" which makes no fucking sense.
I came home and lost it. I started crying and I was telling my boyfriend, "Why am I never good enough I hate myself I'm such a disappointment."
I didn't believe what I was saying but that's the only reason I could think of that would make sense to me. So it was easier to put in my head than really think about it. But I don't care anymore. That's out of my head. I have my reasons and they make perfect sense. I'm not gonna make up excuses I'm just going to let it go. The problem now is- Do I do none or both?
I would have easily chosen both but when I say both I just feel like I'm making the wrong decision. And when I say none I feel the same.
This is the one thing in my life that's balanced...Ironic.