In regards to my post last night- I'm fine. I get out of control sometimes and lose every ounce of hope and reality. It feels like nothing exists. Like I could hurt/kill myself or anyone. I wouldn't kill anyone but myself..sometimes I get a little shaky. But I'm not totally insane, I promise.
I just had a nice talk with Ed about 15 minutes ago when I realized something.
I put my bikini on because I'm going swimming with B today. (It's finally hot!) Anyway, I was looking in the mirror and I was wondering why my midsection wouldn't get any tinier. I was feeling my upper and lower torso. My lower torso being a bit pooched out from constipation, so I disregarded that because I knew why it wouldn't get tinier. But my upper torso? It wasn't coming to me. Ed was telling me how no matter how hard I try I won't be good enough because I can't get as tiny as I want..or Ed wants rather.
Then it hit me. My ribs. I don't have a tiny built body like a bunch of other girls. I'm tall and my ribs are bigger. My upper stomach stops at my ribs. This is as tiny as I can get. I know this sounds like a stupid discovery but man, it made a difference. This anger came over me and I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Ed. What the fuck?" I didn't stop. I just kept saying things and pausing, staring at myself hard in the mirror, direct eye contact.
"My ribs stop here, I can't get any smaller. Why have you been making me think I can? (pause) This is how my body is, (pause) I can't control how my body was made. (pause) And neither can you. (pause) Stop making me think I can because..I can't."
After that I didn't feel satisfied, like it didn't quite get across. So I turned back to the mirror.
"This is my body. This is how it was made. It can't be changed. It has to be accepted. (pause) Stop trying to change it, Ed. Accept it." I spit the last two words and I felt a little better.
I'm beautiful because I was made this way. I was trying to alter myself to be a tiny little twig when in reality, my body wasn't made to be a tiny little twig. I have been blessed with a beautiful body, and I'm ruining it.
What I noticed, talking to Ed in the mirror- my face changed. I saw something else and it wasn't me. It was like Ed was showing on my face but I was the one who was talking. My eyes showed hatred toward me but also a small little gleam. That gleam was me and the rest of my face was Ed. I was coming out to play and my expression showed that Ed clearly didn't like it.
I need to keep taking control like I did just before. I've just found out something amazing that was right under my nose (literally) and I didn't see. Wow, Ed. You're real fucking good at manipulation. But I'm catching on. Slowly. But I'm catching on. Watch your deceiving little back because I'm sick of this game.
Even earlier today, I was already taking my therapists advice. I printed out four packets each on Anorexia and Binge Eating. I went through and highlighted what applied to me and I'm going to give one to my mom tomorrow, I'm going to talk to my other brother and BH and see if they want info after I tell them, and I'm leaving the info on the kitchen table with a note to my dad when I leave. The note says:
"Dad,
The therapist told me I should start telling more people about my eating disorder. She said the more a secret is told the more it wears down the meaning. It's called "building my support group." I'm too embarrassed to talk about it so I printed info about it off the internet. I highlighted most of the stuff that applies to me."
Even though I don't have a lot of people to tell, at least I'll have more than I do now.
wow, that's a hoot. we were both posting/commenting on yer blog at the same time, i think. the comment i just left under "kill me" was written before i saw yer new post. anyhow, super-glad re: yer epiphany about the way yer body's made. i think that relates to what me destruit was talking about re: listening to yer body, too. once you accept yer body and yerself, that opens the door to respect and love. and when you truly love something, you want to treat it right--to nourish it properly. i think it's great, too, that you're telling people about yer little "secret." secrecy gives the wrong things power, yeah? when light shines on them, their power is stripped and they tend to vacate. it helps, at least. as does good boyfriend. ;) hope you have an excellent time w/ him today!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the support. :]
DeleteI think it was a good move too, I feel more closer to my dad and I feel just a little more free. He's supporting me and helping me along the way, and no he can do it fully.
and one last thing (sorry for all the blah-blah): there's no way i'd think you "insane." i just knew you were "down." huge difference. i like that bit from the pic of the notebook you have on yer front page, w/ things to remember: everyone feels the same as everyone else, only at different times. been down myself very recently, will unfortunately probably go there again. today's a good day, though, thank fuck. let us rejoice. :D
ReplyDeleteHaha thanks :] And that's so true.
DeleteThat's great your having a good day, really is something to rejoice about!
I'm ecstatic to see that you're beginning to listen to your body, the more you do that, the more in tune with it and yourself, you become and the happier you'll be =)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you can get out of those depressed moments hun, keep fighting the big fight x
I hope so, it was different. But it felt good. :]
DeleteThank you!