Afterthoughts

I remember last summer when I was badly into anorexia, my mom said "Don't lose anymore weight you don't want to look like a boy."
In fact, all the adults would said "Don't lose anymore weight" when they saw me.
I actually got a lot of "You need to gain some weight" comments in there too.
I want to have a sexy body. And I can say that and mean it. Being a bone isn't attractive because like my mom said..it's just not feminine. I'm becoming more of a woman and I want to look my age and I want to look healthy and sexy.
But when I tell myself, it's okay to gain a little weight. I say no. Rather Ed says no.
But I know if I gain a little more, I can maybe accent my curves, actually have an ass, and not look so flat chested. I used to have a big boobs and a big ass but when I went from 163 to 116..things changed big time.
When I see girls who are curvy I just think of how beautiful they are. Then I see the girls who are bones and I see a different kind of beauty. And I want both. But I can't have both.
I'm just confused, I'm caught in a loop of confusion..


I have an obsession with looking at others girls' bodies. No, I don't like girls like that. I'm more like observing. Admiring.
Ed is comparing my body to theirs, and other bodies together. When I'm not comparing or observing, I'm thinking.
"I wonder if they have an eating disorder," "I wonder what their diet is like," "I wonder what they ate before they came and what will they after they leave," "Will it make them fat?"
All these questions I'm just lost in my Ed. I'm so used to these thoughts I wonder if they'll ever go away. I'm really sick of it.
But the one thing that makes it tolerable is seeing their beauty. No matter how big or small they are-I always see beauty. When someone smiles and looks oblivious to their body it's just amazing.
I see everyone as strikingly beautiful. I wonder if I'll ever see myself that way...