I'm going to my therapist tonight. 6pm.
The last appointment sucked bad but I'm determined to make this one worth something and not spend the whole time crying from discouragement.
She told me Thursday to come in today having written down the function that my ED plays in my life.
I just sat down now and it took me 3 minutes to come up with this (I only wrote the idea down, no examples because we discuss them, so if needed I'll also give examples on here):
1. Gives me something to look forward to all day.
2. Provides comfort.
3. Provides good feelings.
4. Provides a distraction.
5. Makes me feel special. (Like I'm the only one with an ED and it makes me unique)
6. Makes me feel strong. (Starving longer, feeling stronger)
7. Gives me a reason. (To miss events, sit home all day, not excersize)
8. Gives me an answer for everything. ("Did I do good on the test?" "Doesn't matter, I'm thin.")
9. Gives my life a reason.
10. Can take away the constant lonliness.
11. Always there when no one else is.
12. Gives me something to blame.
13. Makes things easier. (Keeping weight off, making friends, looking better in clothes)
Now I know these are all positive. But I'm also going to add: Everything I listed, is also the opposite at the same time.
1. Gives me something to dread all day.
2. Provides pain.
3. Provides guilt and shame.
4. Provides an obsession.
5. Makes me feel pathetic.
6. Makes me feel weak-physically and mentally.
7. Hides me away from having fun.
8. Manipulates me into thinking everything is based on my weight.
9. Gives my life a torturous never ending hell.
10&11: Only for a short moment.
12. For starving, for bingeing. For not being good enough.
13. Makes everything harder.
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