As Long As I'm Skinny...

Everything feels so pointless. And by everything feeling pointless, life feels pointless.
What's the point in going through recovery? What's the point in living if I'm not doing anything with myself? I feel like I'm trying to walk this path and I'm stuck on a treadmill.
I was thinking about recovery last evening and this morning. The book I'm reading (Life With Ed) tells me that when you start going through recovery a lot of things are out of place. You have to answer questions you didn't think about before.
"Did you do good on the test?" Doesn't matter, I'm thin. "If you keep putting things off everything will go wrong." Doesn't matter, I'm thin.
I would always think that to every question since my anorexia started. I don't face it, I just pin everything on my weight because being thin is the only thing that matters to me. Or should I say mattered. My health is blurring the line of what matters.
I remember last summer when I was badly anorexic. (Not eating or having an apple a day) And my friends would tell me, "Eat, you have to eat." I would wrinkle my face in disgust at that word because when they said eat, all I'd hear is "Fat." Then they'd say, "I don't want to be visiting you in a hospital or going to your funeral. I don't want to see you sick." I wouldn't even think about their concern. I would instead say right back, "My health doesn't matter as long as I'm skinny." And those were my exact words.


As I was spiraling into anorexia, before I lost all the weight. I started at 163lbs and got to 116lbs, around 140lbs or so I was crying and talking to an old boyfriend and he was telling me how I wasn't fat and how I didn't need to lose weight and that I was beautiful the way I was. I was ignoring him and telling him "I'm so disgusting, I can't stand to be in my own skin, I don't deserve to be on this planet because my presence is such a bother to everyone. I'm just a fat inconvenience. I'd honestly rather be dead than fat. At least being dead would mean being underground where my body would decay until there's just bones. Let the bugs have me, at least they would make me skinny." My exact words.
I was so horrible to myself...And I know I've changed. But I keep thinking now, that I've changed with the answer, "I'm skinny so I'm worth it." I have hardly any friends left because I've pushed them away because of my Ed's- canceling to binge or not having enough energy from not eating. But it doesn't matter because I'm skinny. Back when I had the weight, I had friends but I felt alone because I was a binger then too. Just on cake, cookies (read "My Story" blog for all that info) and I gained even more.
I'm scared. I'm scared to recover and enter new territory where I'm blind on how to answer questions or do something and not base it on my weight. I'm scared to eat real foods besides fruit and yogurt. I'm horrified to gain weight. I'm scared that no one's there with me and I'll be even more alone because I have no friends anymore to distract me. My mom and brothers are out now. All I have is BH, B, and my dad...And my therapist but I don't know if that counts.
I want to do this though. I'm set on it. I was going to the nutritionist and not following any of the food she was telling me about. Because I was bingeing. It felt pointless because I'd eat normal during the day and at night- there's the desire. Full blown and uncontrollable. I'd go to the kitchen and binge out on fruit.
But now I've sustained it. I haven't binged in 2-3 weeks. And only good has come out of it.
I'm getting "regular" no tight skin feeling. My stomach isn't too overwhelmed. I don't feel uncomfortably full all the time. I feel a lot better. Everyday that I don't binge, I just get more hope.
When I feel I'm getting out of control I feel my stomach to see if it's starting to go out a little, and ask myself, "Am I hungry?" If I say no, it's gotten easier to look at the cut up pieces of fruit in the container and close the lid, instead of saying "I'll just finish it off, no big deal."
I want to go to the nutritionist, I want to go to my therapist. And tell them that I've been lying and I need more guidance. I've been holding back on telling them and I've even skipped nutritionist appointments because I'm scared of being a disappointment and seeing their faces when I tell them. But I'm going to, and I'm going to ignore their faces because I can't do this right if I lie.
I do honestly get the urge sometimes though, to keep going. I'm bored here. There's nothing to do. It's Pennsylvania in mid June. It should be 90 degrees but it's actually like jeans and hoodie weather. I don't get it. I want to go on a bike ride, I want to SWIM. So bad..I love riding my bike and swimming. That's a past time from when I was younger. Me and my neighbors would always do that since my moms house has a pool. We'd draw chalk lines on my driveway like a road and draw little speed limit signs. Even draw a small parking lot near the garage. And we'd ride our bikes for hours. Turning a pretend dial on our bikes and singing loudly and carefree, pretending to be the radio.
I miss those times. When I was a kid and oblivious to body issues. All I cared about was having fun. No matter if my brothers beat me or my parents were divorced, my laughs and smiles still meant something. I wish I could do that now.
I was laying in bed last night thinking about how people have incurable diseases and I have one and not taking the step to get better is just so...selfish, pointless. I have the choice, they don't. I know that's like parents saying "Eat that, there's kids starving in Africa." And people are like, "I'm not that kid so it doesn't matter." It's because it feels unreal to us, because we weren't put in the situation. But it's a fact. And I want to get better and life my life because I've been given the choice to. It's stupid to not use something I've been given- a life.
The unknown feels unreal and so does entering the unknown. I feel if I stay where I am, I'll be okay. But I know that's Ed talking. I'm getting better at distinguishing my voice from his. I need new and I need better. For me, not Ed.