"My Journey to France"

I went to my therapist with a clearer mindset. A more hopeful one and I was able to talk more and listen and open up a little more. I found out that this feeling of thinking everything's my fault, could have very welly developed from my parents being divorced when I was 7. Those younger years the way I coped with it was playing with my neighbors constantly as a distraction. But when I hit 6th grade and we started growing up and apart, I started using food to fill the void. That's when I remember the beginning of bingeing.
She made me draw myself coming out of my ED. I drew a big black circle with white circles for eyes and a white circle for the mouth. I drew me in a pink marker crawling out of the mouth. She asked me, "Well why are you crawling out of the mouth?" And I said, "Because I feel like I'm swallowed by my eating disorder." She nodded her head in approval. She knew, she just wanted to hear me say it.
I got a lot of subtle smiles which made me feel good, like I'm doing better.
She then asked me to draw what my life would be like outside of my eating disorder. I drew myself and stared at the page. Finally giving up, I looked straight at her and said, "I can't."
She nodded with a smile like I did something right.
Then she asked me to describe how I think it would feel to be out of my eating disorder.
I paused and then said, "It would be like being lost..It would be like being somewhere I've never been where no one speaks my language. Like being in France and trying to find my way around alone."
She nodded and said, "What would you do?"
I said, "I would try to find my way home somehow."
She replied, "Well what if you really loved the culture and wanted to stay, then what would you do?"
I said, "I would try to find a translator or a teacher and try to learn."
She threw in, "Or a book?"
I nodded.
A big smile spread across her face, "Do you see how this related to your eating disorder?"
And it all came together. "France is my life outside of the eating disorder, you're the teacher or the translator, the book is "Life Without Ed", and the home I know is my eating disorder."
I made a whole story just like that, and it was so easy to understand more. I just have to learn and I can do it. It is possible. It's just going to be a long time.
I know that because she slowly broke to me that I should tell more people. This is called building your support system in the book. I told her my mom and dad new I had an eating disorder, just not what they are or what it does to me. The only real person who knows is B. I'm going to tell my mom when I see her, I'm going to print stuff out for my dad and leave it on the table with a note cause..I just can't.. I'm going to tell BH next time I see her. She's the easiest. I will be able to sit down and look her in the face and tell her. I don't know why but she's the one I'm most comfortable with. I think she can help me a lot because she's very supportive and sweet. I don't have anyone else. I think I'll tell my oldest brother because he's my big teddy bear lol. I can talk to him.
So, I'm trying. I won't give up.