trapped and trained by vicious minds.: Alone

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Alone

I feel like all I am is a bother.
I seriously have no one I feel like I'm lost in myself. I'm having such small amounts of human interaction my brain is like falling apart.
I have not one friend. I'm being dead serious. I've lost everyone. I called my mom to hang out tomorrow and she's busy. It's like she didn't even want to hang. My dad's always out on the road..the only person I have. BH is too busy working to be my friend. B is just..I feel like I'm losing him. He ditched me from being bored of people from hanging with his friends. Then today my dad's truck broke down and he wasn't gonna be home on time and I needed to go shopping for tomorrow before my dad had to go to bed, so I told B I don't think tonight could work. Then right after that I find out he invites his friends over. Like I don't get this why doesn't anyone care about me..Care about seeing me..? I feel like I'm just this form of fog. I don't exist. I want to just die. I don't know why I'm so unstable with my life right now. All I want at this moment is to lay on my moms bed, in her arms and just cry. I want everything to be real again but nothing exists. I keep getting closer and closer to full on binges and I'm about to let go because I just don't care anymore. I'm so tired of everything. And I'm so fucking tired of being tired. I'm exhausted. I just want to go to permanent bed. Sleep it all away. Sleep the tiredness away, all the problems. It literally feels like no one exists right now because I'm so alone. Why the fuck am I so depressed.

2 comments:

JJune 28, 2012 at 6:40 PM
hey there. i think you pretty much nailed it when you said, "I'm having such small amounts of human interaction my brain is like falling apart." i mean, yer not nuts; it's what happens! when a person gets really socially isolated, the brain just seems to start chewing on itself for something to do, you know? to get some form of stimulation that it would otherwise be getting from other human beings. i think a lot of it just has to do w/ the way people in modern cultures live now, too; we sit around staring at screens, make a living by pressing buttons, "socialize" by seeing typewritten words from people who we can't look in the eye, go to the fridge for food instead of picking it out of the soil. given that everything/everyone is one or two or ten steps removed from everything/everyone else, i ain't surprised that so many people suffer a feeling of disconnection from others and "reality." not so long ago, all human brains were busy with was trying to make sure we didn't get eaten by a fucking saber-tooth tiger while we're trying to spear a fish for dinner, you know? now that same brain, biologically speaking, is just left to stew in its own shit--and if there's not enough shit to stew in, it'll create some shit so there is. . . . i don't suppose you've considered volunteer work? homeless shelter, library book sales, humane society, whatever? just something to get you OUT of yer head and INTO something else? this is just the sort of thing that can be hard if you're at all inclined to anxiety/new things (i know from hellish personal experience), but just an hour or two a week would be better than nothing. just a thought.
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Summer 2012 "About Me" (No Longer Applies)

I'm Tiana. (Tee-On-Ah) I have anorexia and binge eating disorder, ocd, depression, anxiety, derealization disorder, insomnia and I self harm. I'm 16 1/2 and my birthday is September 11th. I have a boyfriend who I've been with since October 20th, 2011. When the summer ends, I'll be a Junior. I'm an avid reader, getting a new book is like getting a brand new shiny piece of jewelry. Books are another word in the palm of your hands- an escape. I also write. I remember as a kid I said "Who would want to be an author? It takes so much time." I find it funny because now I just get lost in my mind and the words flow swiftly in the right way. I've been taking ballet since I was 4, and I'm going to spend the next two years becoming more familiar with Pointe. Next to that, I also go ice skating for fun. I started ice skating when I was 10 and I just had a natural bond with it. Might have resulted from ballet and high skill with in-line skating. ;D I'm a 100% movie fiend. I take Broadcasting Communications in school and I intend to go to college for it. I want to do something in that business whether it be acting, directing, photo/video editing, and/or photography. When I'm not dealing with my Ed, I like to think of myself as adventurous. I love finding new things, in my mind or in real life. I have a huge mind that holds a massive amount. I'm very creative when it comes down to it. I love unique things and I like to stand out. People are just so boring. I'm a tomboy. I love jeans and hoodies and tee-shirts and video games. Maybe that's why I love Autumn. Cause I get to wear all that stuff and since it's not nice out- I get to sit inside and play video games like the lazy ass I am. xD Also, I'm not fond of the sunlight or warm weather, at all. I absolutely positively am 100% incapable of judging. If someone told me the most fucked up thing about themselves or something they did, I would not be able to judge in the slightest. I have this view on everyone. Everyone is so beautiful, every part of them. Everyone has beauty in them.

Highest weight:
163 lbs
Lowest weight:
116 lbs
Current weight:
120-125 lbs
Height:
5"5 1/2

I have very long dark brown hair that's naturally straight but I straighten it anyway, and straight bangs. Green/gray/blue/yellow eyes. Pouty lips. Pale skin. I never take off a black stretch choker, a Sapphire heart necklace, small silver hoops, my "Beautiful Strong" bracelet (see blog "The Bracelet"). My hands are always painfully dry and I hate the way lotion feels and smells and gets on everything so I just deal. I used to paint my nails because it just looks awesome but I became too impatient to wait for them to dry and they chip the next day so I just gave up. Thumbs up for pointless info.

Climbing The Ladder

Starting diet: Yogurt and fruit.
June 22- Started walking and doing situps everyday.
June 23- Added Chinese back into my diet.
June 25- Added tuna back into my diet.
June 29- Got my period and started lifting 10 lb.
June 30- Made it a week without quitting added foods. July 2- Added bread and egg whites into my diet.
July 8- Added white chicken breast into my diet.
Current diet as of July 16:
Egg whites, Weight Watchers Whole Wheat bread, 97% Beef Franks hotdogs, Weight Watchers chicken breast, CHOBANI plain yogurt, fruit, vegetables, shrimp, tuna.

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