Since 6th grade- In my daily life, nothing feels real. What I mean by that is I feel like I'm in a continuous dream. I've lost all sense of reality and I freak out because of it. I don't know why it happens and I can't control it. When I'm alone, nothing exists. When I'm with people, I feel like I'm in a dream. It's not real. It's just always there and sometimes it's worse than other times. Lately, it's been getting worse though. Last night, after I turned off the music and cried until I felt dead, I went to bed but I freaked out first. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and everything just crumbled. I felt trapped and I started checking to see if I was in a dream. A while ago online I looked up some ways to be able to tell. I pressed my hand into the wall, if I was in a dream it would have gone through the wall. I checked the lettering on my shirt in the mirror, looked away, then looked back. If I was in a dream the lettering would have changed. I looked at my face then looked away and back. If I was in a dream my face would be distorted. Everything was as should be. No hands through walls, changing letters or faces. That only freaked me out more. I laid in bed and cried and shut my eyes and open them. I stared at the wall and hugged my teddy. I didn't set my alarm because all I want to do is sleep anymore.
I woke up this morning feeling totally dead. My emotions are numb, I'm numb. I'm in a dream again, even though I know this is real. But I don't know what real feels like. I can touch it and see it but I can't feel it. Everything is wrong. I'm wrong. I wonder if I'm just losing my sanity. There's so much wrong with me I think I'm just caught in the downward spiral and I'm being sucked in so hard..there's no way I can get out. I believe my derealization is worse than my ED. I don't know what to do. I'm just tired and dead inside. There's nothing left.
I go through those periods as well. And, as much as it can be an unpleasant experience, to feel empty, it also serves the purpose of cushioning emotional pain. It's even possible I might not even be here if I felt that pain consistently my entire life.
ReplyDeleteDo you know of anything in your experience that has kept you grounded a bit before? It might help to try and think of some of those things. For me it's being near animals and/or being in the woods, or anywhere outside with a lot of green and no people.
Yeah it's horrible, but it's always there and it makes me lose touch with everything. It feels like theres no purpose to be alive.
DeleteNo I don't have things that ground me. :\