I have this huge issue with saying no in situations and I think it's because I'm horrified to disappoint someone. I feel like if I disappoint them, they'll hate me for not being good enough.
I wish I could learn how to say no and be content with it. It's my decision and I shouldn't feel bad about it. I shouldn't say "I wish I can," because I know I can- I just wish I knew how.
It's like this never ending circle. When I have to make a decision- my anxiety kicks in full notch and I literally can't think. Because of that I panic and I end up not being able to breathe resulting in a panic attack. All from making a decision. I'm just too indifferent about everything..or maybe I'm just too afraid to give one answer because I know it will disappoint..Ugh.. This hits a close level to how annoying Ed is because it's just as uncontrollable. It's like the decision is Ed, and the panic attack is the result besides bingeing or starving.
This weekend my dad's home and I get to spend time with him because I barely saw him all week because he was on the road trucking. Maybe 2 hours a day. I just want to spend this weekend with him but my boyfriend wanted to hang out today and so did my brother. Then last night, my dad said he wanted to go see Rock of Ages (that new rock musical movie) today and I couldn't answer and I couldn't breathe so I went in my room and hugged my pillow and tried to breathe.
So then I had my boyfriend saying on Friday, "We're definitely going to hang Saturday or Sunday," and I was agreeing. Then I was telling my brother maybe to a movie and hanging with his friends (and I really want to do that), and then I just want to spend time with my dad overall.
I feel like if I say no I'm not worth their time. I don't want my yes's to become meaningless. I want to add no to my vocabulary. But how do I do that without feeling like I shouldn't be alive because I'm not worth it..?
Everyone has the right to say "no" to things. Everyone, unless saying "no" leads to genocide or the apocalypse. But clearly, you're not in that sort of position. It's impossible to please everyone you know; it's a fact. Even trying to will certainly leave you open to being taken advantage of, and trust me, you'll value yourself even less when that happens.
ReplyDeleteAlso, remember that saying "no" does not mean it's that and final. I'm sure you know there are a multitude of ways to let someone down gently. Spending time with family (especially if they're kind to you) is important. If your boyfriend cares about you, he'll understand. If he doesn't understand, *he's* not worth *your* time.
Thanks, that made me feel a lot better..Put things together a little more in my mind. I have a hard time thinking through things that stress me out.
DeleteThanks for the advice and commenting!
funny, i have the opposite problem: i tell everyone "no" all the time. ha ha. i need to start saying "yes" more often. anyhow, i guess this has probably resolved itself by now, since the weekend's over, but i was gonna mention that maybe you could make a written schedule of when you could do your hanging-out with the different people--dad, bro, bf. it seemed like some of yer panic had to do w/ it all seeming like TOO MUCH. and maybe literally mapping out the time would make it seem more manageable. just an idear. :)
ReplyDeleteI do that too, only after I say yes..so I disappoint more. :\
DeleteIt's weird though cause I've tried to do that and I just let more anxiety.