I am so mad about my therapist appointment last night. I went in with a smile and when she asked me "How are you?" like usual- I said alright..like usual. I hate that question.
But she sat down in her chair and looked at me. Squinting her eyes a bit with a humorous expression.
She asked me how I've been, and I said, "Better, I haven't binged in weeks and I feel a lot better and I'm pretty proud of myself."
Then she asked me how my moods have been because I told her how I was having horrible mood swings for a long time. I told her my mood has been pretty neutral except for moments of breakdowns, but I'm not always snipping at things.
Then she asks me what I've been eating and I told her the usual and she asked me again and I said "Just what I usually have everyday," and then she asked me again and I said just the yogurt and fruit for breakfast and lunch and fruit later. Then I told her what I was talking about in my last blog- About starting over because I stopped bingeing. I said I wanted to go back to the nutritionist and get more added in because I think I'm ready. Then I said, "And I'll just start excersising more so I don't gain weight. Then this is where shit got really fucking confusing and started pissing me off.
She said, "Do you see what's going on?" And I'm like, "..What do you mean?" And she kept asking me in different ways and I'm like BITCH WHAT DO YOU MEAN STOP TOYING WITH ME. (not out loud) So then she makes me sit in her chair and she pretended to be me and said everything I said about what I was eating and I'm just thinking, is this some kind of bitch joke to annoy the shit out of me? Cause it's working.
Then she jumps on me basically and says yeah sure I'm not bingeing but Ed still has me by the shoulders, her exact words were "That's how cunning Ed is."
And I'm just thinking- Wow she's fucking stupid. She was taking everything I said as restriction.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH WANTING TO RECOVER BUT STILL TRY TO STAY THIN. IN. A. HEALTHY. WAY. Really what is wrong with it. It's not Ed, it's me. I want to stay thin and I want to get healthy. I want to excersise. Like..just seriously what the fuck. I spent the rest of the session crying about confused I was because she made me so fucking confused and hopeless from her misunderstanding and my mind is just like what. I know Ed has me and I know I'm getting better at hearing his voice.
When I told her it's getting easier to hear him she kept making excuses and it made it seem like I'm going no where. No rewards for doing a little better, just being fucking put down.
She made me feel hopeless and disappointed and confused. Fuck her. I really don't want to go back because now it all just feels fucking POINTLESS. I don't know what to say or do in there anymore. I can't just say what's on my mind cause she'll turn it into some other shit.
Whatever.
B came down after I got home. I was crying the whole way back and hiding it from my dad by looking out the window resting my head on my hand and wearing my big sunglasses. We went for a walk and he made me laugh and just seeing his face made everything better. I love that kid so much it's crazy. He erased everything.
But now it's back and I'm just..a failure.
I don't believe that but that's how I feel. I don't know what to do anymore.
Fuck Ed, fuck Ed, FUCK ED I FUCKING HATE YOU YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT AND I CAN'T EVEN TELL WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT BECAUSE I WAS SO STUPID TO LET YOU CHOKE AND SMOTHER ME INTO A BLACK HOLE I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO CLIMB OUT OF.
Sorry for all the cursing.
But I have to go perform in a ballet recital I really don't want to fucking be in because I'm in one number and it's a waste of time.
Fuck.
Honey, you're doing well. You're realising where you went wrong and you may well go wrong again, but you are an intelligent and beautiful young woman and you will figure it out. You are smarter than Ed. Don't let this push your progress back. You keep going and stand proud and tall with your accomplishments. You are managing to eat each day and that is a feat in itself. You have realised that you need to add more nutrition. That is amazing. Any good therapist will repeat what you said back to you, in their own way, to make sure they understood you right.. Usually starting with a, 'so what I'm hearing is...' or, 'what I understand is that..', lol I'm thinking of my therapist when she does that, I realise why she does this and usually she is spot on, but sometimes I have to say, 'no, I mean...'. If your therapist isn't making sure she understands you, she isn't going to be able to help you. Maybe that was her reasoning for asking you in different ways, I don't know.. but hopefully things are better there... gonna keep reading and find out! Almost caught up with you now!
ReplyDeleteOf course you've read my constant thank yous, and here comes another one- Thank you so much! Those words mean the world. I understand but when I'm in her office I feel so small..I can't explain it.
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