There's things I can't control yet about Ed. And these things happen a lot. I just want to write them out.
When someone asks me if I want food, even if it's a safe food, and I say no- no big deal.
But when they keep asking. "Come on please just one piece, just a little bit." Then Ed comes out and I feel like a wild animal has taken over my mind. Then I have to answer with a hard "No."
Then if it keeps going, the wild animal takes over my body and I feel like I could literally punch someone square in the face. Over. And over. This isn't my thoughts, I can't control when I get those feelings.
But the absolute worst is those four words that makes me want to fucking break someones skull.
"It won't kill you." With the occasional additions in the front, "If you have a little-", "Just this once-".
That really consumes me with the wild animal.
Another thing is when I'm eating. The part that annoys me is I'm unable to eat in front of anyone. They watch me and I can't eat. Even if they glance at me. For some reason if they see me eating or know I'm eating, it feels like someone just offended me to the highest level possible. When my dad's home, I eat at the kitchen counter in the corner with my back turned away from him. I move all my food in front of me so my body blocks it and he can't see what I'm eating. I feel like it all has to be hidden. No one can know.
When my dad comes home in the middle of me eating, I don't even look at him because I'm chewing. I run to my corner before he comes up the steps and I hide everything in front of me. If he talks to me, I'm insulted. I can't respond cause I have food in my mouth always when I eat, and he's in my space. He's invading my small crawl space that's only big enough to hide one when the murderer is walking around the corner.
What Ed doesn't like is when people say it's okay to eat in front of them, they don't care. He's telling me not to believe them.
I understand that people (without Ed's) don't care when other people eat and it's natural to eat, not embarrassing. I understand it, but Ed doesn't. And he makes sure he takes over when that comes in to play.
I wish these habits would stop because it takes so much time and energy making sure everything is secret..
Another thing I noticed-
I recently realized how when I weighed more, I spent most of my time judging other stuff and being completely unsatisfied with it. My face shape, the size of my eyes, the color of my eyes, my nose, my lips, my hands, my hair. Now it's just the size of every part of my body. Not my eyes or my hair. Just my torso, legs, arms, cheeks, neck. I wonder what changed that. Cause I've accepted all that other stuff as myself and I can't change it a while ago. I just wish I could accept my body along with the rest of me I've accepted.
You're very insightful hun, this is how I know you will crack this! I love the self reflection, the honesty, the accountability.
ReplyDeleteAnd I *totally* understand. I *hate* eating in front of others, I feel like I've ballooned like 20 times my size and even if I start of seriously starving (which usually makes me feel a little smaller), just the thought of someone watching put crap in my mouth, make me instantly *huge*... Isn't is nuts?
When I first came to Canada, to visit.. I was unable to eat in front of my best friend (my now partner) and her then roomie. For two weeks, I practically ate nothing. I didn't want them to know that I ate, at *all*. Sometimes I would go by myself soup and go into my guest room and eat, they knew what I was doing, but that was okay, because they couldn't *see* me do it. When I got home I had lost 13 lbs in 10 days, I think (there was no scale which was also extremely hard!), I was *elated* with the weight loss, but the minute I got home, I *binged* BAD, because of all the deprivation.. I had a good intake going on before, restrictive, but I was eating. After two weeks of not eating, my body, my brain, my 'mia' wanted *everything*... Eventually, I slowly stopped purging (oh it's okay not to just this one time) and just binged, binged and binged.. and so began my decent into binge eating hell.
So strange what two weeks out of your set routine can do for you, I've not been struggling on and off since then with mia, binge eating and ED NOS, always catching myself before anorexia came along for another shot, but not catching myself before overweight and obesity hit. It's surprising how many anorexics actually end up overweight and binge eating in their later years. It's a vicious cycle for many.
Hopefully we will figure it out and I sincerely hope that you can learn to accept those other parts of you in that same way...
Sorry for rambling again! =/
Exactly how I feel.
DeleteI'm sorry that happened..This is truly a walk through hell.
I also hope we figure it out and that life can having meaning again. A meaning that doesn't revolve around food.
Thank you again for your words and sharing!
Meh, I tend to hold onto the past very firmly.. often times, it's not a positive thing to do. I try to learn from it at least though.
DeleteIt's SO hard though, because the *whole* world revolves around food.. a drug addict or an alcoholic, abstain from drugs and/or alcohol but we cannot abstain from food.. and trying to do that, is what got us here in the first place! Vicious cycle, where we 'just' have to learn to moderate, I guess, eh?
Everything in moderation.
I'm glad that my words struck a chord somewhere =)
Don't hesitate to contact me, if you need to talk.. I'll keep an eye on your blog, I enjoy reading =)
That's a good way to do it. At least your not gripping with two hands, you see it.
DeleteAnd exactly. I think it's one of the most life threatening dangerous disorders just because of that fact. If someone is on drugs even if they don't stop, they can be dragged away and held off of them. We can't. It's like a personal torture that won't leave.
Even if it's learned though..things learned are always forgotten. That's what I'm mostly afraid of..
All your words strike a chord, thank you!