Still Pushing Through

I went to my psychiatrist today and I was very down and I just didn't want to talk. I didn't want to be there. I was sitting out in the waiting area and I was just thinking, "I'm not gonna show emotion screw that I'm too emotionally drained and numb to be able to." And I get in there and she asked me where my 'homework' was. (I was supposed to write down the lies Ed tells and and bring in pictures of myself as a child) I didn't have it. I told her my week was really rough and I couldn't really think about it. I was living in my mind and Ed wasn't the first thing, he wasn't raping me like usual. Other thoughts were consuming me. She told me when we're detached we go to our minds and think and overthink and she said one of her sayings is "Your mind is a dangerous place never go there alone."
And I've been living in my mind in complete silence and loneliness.

I talked about how I felt like everything was my fault. The child support issues, my brother hating me, all the issues with the family right now..why J won't talk to my dad. How I feel guilty how my dad treats me so good and parents me correctly. I feel like I don't deserve it because I'm so used to my mom's guilt trips and not making me feel good enough and making me feel bad for needing something. I can't get out of that mindset..It feels horrible. But I noticed because my dad treats me so well, I'm not reluctant to help him out. I'll do chores and stuff. I even do dishes which I hated for so long but now I realize I only hate doing them at my moms because I would be cleaning a shitload of dishes that I didn't dirty. Washing my dad's bowl and spoon from cereal or a plate? No problem. He deserves it because he's a good person. My mom didn't show me respect or care unless she had a free moment and wanted to hang, then if I wasn't free then all hell would break loose about how I never wanna be with her..
I told my therapist about how J treated me growing up and how he hurt me so bad and how I looked up to him and all he did was reject me and I tried my hardest. I cried during that. I can't explain how much that hurt me growing up and how it still hurts me today.
I told her the most important thing eating at me: The constant alone feeling. I told her I have no friends and how I felt like I was losing B to his friends because he's basically living with them now. (Not literally he's just always with them) And I got a comment on my last blog about it, and my therapist talked about it. The truth is he does include me usually. I don't know if it's out of guilt sometimes, but that could be me overthinking again-maybe he actually does want me there all the time he asks. Things just keep getting in the way. I really want to hang with them though because like fuck other people I don't want the stupid fake friends around here, I hate 99% of the teenage girls around here. The 1% is B and the maybe 2-3 girls who actually treat me nicely. Guys are just fucking awesome. They're not bitchy, you can joke with them and vice versa, you can't compare their bodies to yours so you don't feel bad. I don't feel self conscious about my body around guys oddly. I grew up with guys. My next door neighbors, my brothers, and in school I just always related better. I'm a tomboy so maybe that's why. But I'm kinda scared to hang with guys cause I'm going out with B and I know it would bother him. And it would bother me too if he hung with another girl so I totally and completely understand..but it's kinda taking a part of me cause guys are all I relate to. I would never cheat on him, I'm planning on keeping him mine forever and always. I'm not attracted to guys anymore. It's odd and I can't explain it, it's like my heart only beats for him. The rest are just like bro's. So hanging with all of them would be like the best thing cause I'd get mad cool guys to chill with along with my boyfriend whose best friends with them. So it's like perfect cause no one gets hurt.
I left with two assignments from the therapist- Listen to music in loneliness, which is what I'm doing right now. And to actually try with people, set up things to hang out and stuff. And I am going to try.
I learned sitting alone gives me a lot of times to overthink. I usually overthink so having time to? Disaster. I had stories going in my head about how a lot of shit was my fault and just crazy shit I made up which was starting fights with B. Like I'm admittedly extremely jealous of him. He has fucking awesome friends and fucking awesome times with them. And I'm jealous I don't have friends like that..that I don't even have friends at all. Besides that he has a ultra mega high metabolism and is a twig and it's like holy shit he's so lucky it's unbelievable. I'm happy for him. He got the best. I'd never want him knowing how this feels.
I'm sitting here friendless, constantly alone, and battling with an eating disorder..
After I got home, I took my walk and shower. Then B and his friend, R came up and we walked around the area my dad lives in. We went to the playground and talked and goofed around and it was really fun. It's just want I needed. Social. I smiled and laughed and just enjoyed not being alone. I hope there's a lot more of that to come..If it did, I would slide out of my suicidal thoughts a little easier.
I asked my mom to schedule an appointment with her doctor for me. I'm going to tell him about my derealization. It's a huge trigger in my suicidal thoughts and I just can't live with it anymore. I need something, even if it has to be meds.
On another note, my diet. Yesterday I had broccoli and tuna and today I had half my Chinese dish. Tomorrow I'm having the other half. Saturday I'm going to NJ with B to see his family so I don't know what I'm gonna do..I hope I won't have to starve. But after that I'm going to try something else.. I don't know what yet..but I'll add something. Next week I think I may add in breakfast, maybe Egg whites? I don't know yet, I might want to introduce chicken first.
Lastly, I'm getting the staple removed tomorrow! (See blog "I Cut My Head") B offered to come. :']