Today decided to take a bad turn after this mornings post. Now it's just down right horrible. I feel like I didn't move from the depressed kid I was back in 6th grade.
B and me were gonna hang and he cancelled out of no where. I've done that before but he didn't give me a reason and it was like an hour before we were going to hang. I was ready and when I asked what we were going to do he just said he doesn't want to hang. This especially hurt because he was with his friends all weekend. Earlier though, after my walk everything was fine. Then I left to eat supper and run to the store with my dad and then when I got back he was just..so monotone. I felt like he was mad at me. I got off my laptop and we didn't talk for a few hours. I later found out he was napping when he texted me.
I admit I emotionally ate today. I didn't full on binge, but I was so close. I literally just want to give up. Give everything up...then again I don't really have anything. I can't explain how extremely horrible I feel all the time. I'm swallowed in this miserable alone feeling. It's always there and when I'm with other people, I feel like I'm in a dream. I want to kill myself. I want to die. The desire to die will always be stronger than my desire to be thin..so why don't I just do it already? It's so easy to let myself starve or binge..why can't I just swallow a bunch of pills? Like food..no big deal. Everything would be gone.
Imagine that. No Ed, no alone feeling, no worry, no disappointment, nothing. Everything's gone.. Including my inconvenient life.
So now my dad's out trucking. I'm sitting in my living room. On the couch. Like usual.
Add a few things. I'm in complete darkness with tears and lines across my wrist and a slightly sticking out tummy from earlier. Music is blasting into my ears. I never listen to music, but sometimes I need it like a drug. I need a few certain songs that I used to listen to back from 6th grade to middle school. I need to be swallowed in nothingness and into the flow of music. The only thing that seems to make sense. The only thing that can sing to me what I'm feeling.
My teddy bear is sitting on my lap. The one I got the day I was born. The one my neighbor gave to me. No matter how alone I feel. I can have my teddy by me and it provides a source of comfort. It was there for me my whole life. Through everything, I would hug it and cry into it. It was always there. It's the only thing that will always be there. It won't hurt me, it'll just listen. It's like having a piece of myself as a child. Something I desperately wish I was again. I miss my mom, I miss my moms house but I don't miss it. I'm happier here but I just miss everything. Why did everything have to fall apart so badly.. I just want to be done. I want to be gone.
BH texted me and after I said, "Your all I got anymore..thanks for sticking with me. <3" she said," Awee :') I'm with you on that one. You're all I got anymore too. Just stay strong babe and keep that gorgeous head held up high where it should be. <3" I cried harder after I read that. My only friend, once my total enemy. And we're all we got anymore.
I just need more music. I need to be swallowed. I feel sick. Not from the food, just from my emotions. I'm fucking sick. Mentally and physically fucking sick.
I've come undone
Like puzzle pieces in your hand.
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