trapped and trained by vicious minds.: Kill Me

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Kill Me

refrain from bingeing? im trying to refrain from taking the bottle of pills in my room.
when did i become literally suicidal.
i HAVE NO. ONE. no one loves me no one wants me everyone let me go i have no friends i have no family im all alone trapped inside myself and all i am is ed. im only fucking ed and ed is torture.
why should i be alive why shouldnt i get the pills
i hope someone fucking kills me im worth nothing anyway someone just shoot me please i hate myself i want to die i fucking hate ed i hate EVERYTHING

4 comments:

JJune 20, 2012 at 1:03 AM
hm, well, i'm around. just started officially "following" yer blog, too. i was glad to see things've been comin along all right. sounds like it sucks now, though. what happened, i wonder?
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JJune 20, 2012 at 2:49 PM
okay, so, yeah, i've read yer entire blog twice now, along w/ comments. (howdy-do, me destruit.) and i could make a lot more comments of my own, but i think they might be a bit behind the eight ball by this point. seriously, though, i set up a google account (which i'd been plannin on doin for a long time, admittedly, but finally got round to), got yer blog on my follow list, and come to find yer newest post is screamin straight outa the dark place. please emerge from dark place now, if you haven't already, and type sumpin in yer bloggy blog. it can be as short and sweet as a simple "meh." kay? and if you feel like messaging me, do it. (i *think* you can find a way to do that by clickin round my profile, or sumpin.) anyhow, meantime, here's a coupla things for ya:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/05/sneaky-hate-spiral.html

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/02/boyfriend-doesnt-have-ebola-probably.html

. . . there are many more of that ilk, thank god, but those are some of my favorites. and also here's sumpin else:

http://www.oneteenstory.com/

their submission period just ended, alas, but _one story_ rocks, so it might be sumpin to think about for when they're takin submissions again. dunno if you'll be into it, but hey. the world can always use more good art. and laughter. yeah.
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Summer 2012 "About Me" (No Longer Applies)

I'm Tiana. (Tee-On-Ah) I have anorexia and binge eating disorder, ocd, depression, anxiety, derealization disorder, insomnia and I self harm. I'm 16 1/2 and my birthday is September 11th. I have a boyfriend who I've been with since October 20th, 2011. When the summer ends, I'll be a Junior. I'm an avid reader, getting a new book is like getting a brand new shiny piece of jewelry. Books are another word in the palm of your hands- an escape. I also write. I remember as a kid I said "Who would want to be an author? It takes so much time." I find it funny because now I just get lost in my mind and the words flow swiftly in the right way. I've been taking ballet since I was 4, and I'm going to spend the next two years becoming more familiar with Pointe. Next to that, I also go ice skating for fun. I started ice skating when I was 10 and I just had a natural bond with it. Might have resulted from ballet and high skill with in-line skating. ;D I'm a 100% movie fiend. I take Broadcasting Communications in school and I intend to go to college for it. I want to do something in that business whether it be acting, directing, photo/video editing, and/or photography. When I'm not dealing with my Ed, I like to think of myself as adventurous. I love finding new things, in my mind or in real life. I have a huge mind that holds a massive amount. I'm very creative when it comes down to it. I love unique things and I like to stand out. People are just so boring. I'm a tomboy. I love jeans and hoodies and tee-shirts and video games. Maybe that's why I love Autumn. Cause I get to wear all that stuff and since it's not nice out- I get to sit inside and play video games like the lazy ass I am. xD Also, I'm not fond of the sunlight or warm weather, at all. I absolutely positively am 100% incapable of judging. If someone told me the most fucked up thing about themselves or something they did, I would not be able to judge in the slightest. I have this view on everyone. Everyone is so beautiful, every part of them. Everyone has beauty in them.

Highest weight:
163 lbs
Lowest weight:
116 lbs
Current weight:
120-125 lbs
Height:
5"5 1/2

I have very long dark brown hair that's naturally straight but I straighten it anyway, and straight bangs. Green/gray/blue/yellow eyes. Pouty lips. Pale skin. I never take off a black stretch choker, a Sapphire heart necklace, small silver hoops, my "Beautiful Strong" bracelet (see blog "The Bracelet"). My hands are always painfully dry and I hate the way lotion feels and smells and gets on everything so I just deal. I used to paint my nails because it just looks awesome but I became too impatient to wait for them to dry and they chip the next day so I just gave up. Thumbs up for pointless info.

Climbing The Ladder

Starting diet: Yogurt and fruit.
June 22- Started walking and doing situps everyday.
June 23- Added Chinese back into my diet.
June 25- Added tuna back into my diet.
June 29- Got my period and started lifting 10 lb.
June 30- Made it a week without quitting added foods. July 2- Added bread and egg whites into my diet.
July 8- Added white chicken breast into my diet.
Current diet as of July 16:
Egg whites, Weight Watchers Whole Wheat bread, 97% Beef Franks hotdogs, Weight Watchers chicken breast, CHOBANI plain yogurt, fruit, vegetables, shrimp, tuna.

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