If I had one wish- It would be to have a high metabolism for my whole life. Yes, I'd choose a high metabolism over getting rid of Ed any day. I believe if I had a high metabolism, Ed would leave. And if he didn't- I wouldn't gain weight. I would be able to eat whatever I wanted and not restrict and still stay the same. I'll never be able to express how much I will always ache for that.
I want thighs like this, perfect and untouching, without trying.
I would murder for this stomach.
I need perfection, my brain won't settle for less.
That's why Ed is so strong, he blends well with my perfectionism.
What makes it worse is that I think you know that even if you were satisfied with your weight, you'll just end up finding something else about yourself to be unhappy about.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is though, ED isn't a person, so you can't "get rid of" it. Eating disorders are only a symptom of a person's existing way of thought. Your thoughts existed before your eating disorder--it's a manifestation of your disordered thinking. No disordered thinking, no ED, and the possibility to feel worthy of happiness is opened.
Giving behaviours identities only relieves responsibility from yourself for the decisions you make, so you can say to yourself "I couldn't control it." I get that. But, one day you're going to have to realize that it's *you* who is hurting yourself, no one else.
Yeah I was thinking that too actually.. Since it's not real I guess it just seems like it would solve everything. But I guess you're right.
DeleteI do realize it's me hurting myself..but it's just a part of me. The rest of me is just hanging there by a thread being run by that one part.
ex anima put into words a bit of something i'd been thinking, too: this idea that the eating disorder is a symptom, not the root of the problem. case in point, tiana, when you're writing about something you did or thought and pause in your own writing to put yourself/your thought down; you might say, "i know that sounds dumb," for example, as if that is surely what your reader is thinking upon reading your initial thought. guess what. that ain't what i was thinkin; i didn't think whatever it was was dumb. kay kay? that's just you attacking yerself in yer own head, being self-judgmental and frankly mean to yerself. hopefully you wouldn't take that kinda treatment from someone else; don't take it from yerself either. i know, i know. WAY easier said than done. WAY easier. but recognizing it is part of the battle. . . . i'll get back on later w/ some other comments, for better or worse. ;) have a kickass day please.
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