Many New Facts and Realizations

My brother J has been freezing my dad out for weeks. Not answering calls, not coming by, nothing. Then I found out he quit his band that he's been in for years. I began to worry a lot about him because this just didn't make sense..So I called my mom. This was the conversation after the hello's.
Me: Do you know why J quit the band?
Mom: I didn't know he quit.
Me: Well..he did, didn't you talk to him or didn't he say anything?
Mom: Well, he's in another band.
Me: ..Okay well do you know why he hasn't been talking to dad or coming by?
Mom: Did your father tell you to ask me that?
Me: No mom. I am asking because I'm worried about him. He quit his band and now he's not talking to dad. What is going on?
Mom: Well..I think it has something to do with child support. They see how it's taking its toll on me and the house.
Me: What do you mean?
I can't remember the rest exactly, but after I asked he that, she went on a rant about how much child support is and how it's such a trouble since I'm not living there and she just kept shoving her guilt trip down my throat until I hung up on her, saying: "It's not my fault. Just because I did what I want to do, just because I don't want to live there anymore does not mean I'm the one to blame. I did what I wanted for my sake, for me. Not in spite of you like you keep thinking."

 That night, when my dad picked me up from B's, I told him J wasn't talking to him because of the child support and I explained it a bit. Me and my dad ran to the store and he tried J on the phone just to see, and he answered for the first time in a month.
J told my dad everything was my dads fault. The destruction of our family, the way I turned out, and so much other stuff. The look on my dads face was heartbreaking. When my dad asked J what he meant by it was his fault for the way I turned out, J said I get everything I want. That I'm spoiled. I honestly don't see myself as spoiled. I only ask for what I need because I feel like such a huge bother and failure if I want something and ask for it. J was talking diarrhea basically. He didn't know what was coming out of his mouth, he just let a bunch of thoughts pour out with no fact. He doesn't know me, he never talks to me..And he's judging me off what he sees. I got that all through the walk through the flames of bullying from other people..but I never expected it from my own brother.  

We got home and I felt horrible. I felt like this was all my fault. This whole war with me, my mom, my dad and J. Just because of my decision to move with my dad. I told my dad and he said to not even think it. He said I made the right choice for myself because I was unhappy. And it's true, I am happier here. But I'm still causing so much shit and I feel so unbelievably horrible.

Before I went to bed that night, I left a note on the table for my dad to see when he got up to go trucking. It said, "You'll always have me. No matter what J says, the only thing your at fault for is being the best dad in the world. I love you. Drive Safely. -Tiana"
He later told me that made his whole day, that he was smiling all day. That made me feel good. I hope he knows how true it is.

Yesterday, me and B went swimming at a pool near my moms because he was never there before, so we decided to try it out. We were supposed to pick up BH to go with us, but she wasn't answering her phone or my texts..so we went without her. I later found out her alarm didn't wake her up. So that was one disappointment for the day. But that was like getting a treat compared to everything else that went on.
I texted my mom before B picked me up. I'll post the actual conversation, no words left out:
Me: I'm not coming ovee tonight. I can't deal with you and James anymore. (anymore was a bad wording on my part, wasn't thinking) Don't make me feel guilty this time because I'm done putting myself in an environment where all I want to do is kill myself. (not trying to sound extreme, being truthful)
Mom: I did nothing to deserve the treatment I got then and now. I love u always will, u want to believe what u want someday u will understand. I want the key to the house and the ring. If u want anything from the room let me know and arrangements will be made. I can't take being passed off like nothing anymore.
Me: See what you did there? That's a huge reason I can't be around you.
Mom: I'll cancel camping.
Me: Why?
Mom: You never see me when u say, promise or not, J and dad had nothing to do with this. U don't seem to care, I never thought he'd turn u, thought you'd remember all I did. If u don't think it affected me....u said u don't want me. (I never in my life EVER once said that, I'm not heartless)
Mom: Can't believe you threw me away.
Me: Can't believe you pushed me out.
Mom: Tired of crying.
Me: Tired of getting stomped on.
Mom: I never pushed you out, you didn't want to work on anything and more and more you stayed away, now threw me away. Your father blames me, everyone knows the truth, he has his own point of view and refuses to accept anything that doesn't suit him. You experienced things before. I tried to help you and let you do what you want. I don't understand why you refuse to see me anymore..
(Okay, a long note here. Do you see how she's guilt tripping me in this paragraph? Just the first sentence shows it. I can point out a million things wrong with this. 1.) It is not her fault, I didn't throw HER away. I threw all the problems her, my brothers, and that house brought to me. I have told her this so many times but she just doesn't hear it. She needs to blame it on herself so she can make me feel bad. 2.) My father never once blamed her. Never. We never talked about her until recently, and still- he isn't talking down on her. My mom always blamed him for the divorce, for money issues and other issues. 3.) Now this part really makes my blood boil. SHE is the one that has her own point of view and doesn't accept anything. It's not just me who thinks so. Everyone besides her can see it, and that's what makes it so much more aggravating- SHE. CAN'T. EVEN. SEE. IT. 4.) Her 'helping me' by letting me 'do what I want' is why my eating disorder got so out of hand.)
Me: This. Is. Not. About. Dad. It. Is. Not. About. You. This is MY decision.
Mom: Whose the one getting stomped on?!?!?!? I've been here for you, I waited in the living room for you, I made plans to do things with you, how many times were we supposed to be together and it didn't happen?
Me: I'm not reading that or anything else you send. Bye. (this is the moment I'd hang up in a phone call, and every single time I do this, she send a response exactly like the one that's coming now- totally dropping everything and asking about something that's not out of line)
Mom: Do you want C to pick up the key and ring or me?
And I didn't respond.

B picked me up and C called me. He was pissed. He said mom called him crying her eyes out. He was asking what I said to her he kept saying, "You broke her." He was calling me out and saying all this shit and making me feel like everything was my fault when all I simply wanted to do was tell her I'm not gonna come over. I hung up crying and B rubbed my back while he was driving talking soothing words. When he asked what happened, all I could say without breaking out in sobs was, "Now I lost C too." C texted: Look I'm sorry I went overboard but all of this has to stop. I don;t know how much more my mind can take of this.
I replied: I've been trying to get it to stop. It's all mom. She's taking everything and over exaggerating everything like she usually does because she's not getting what she wants. Want me to sit down and tell you about it? Let me know when your free.
He called me back and we talked all the way till we got to B's house. I was crying on the phone while he was crying on the phone saying about how much he sacrificed to try and get this family to work. I felt for him because I know how much of a good heart he has and I just felt so horrible he had to put up with all of this when he's not even in this.

Me and B went swimming then I got home where C called again. He came by and then my dad came home and we all talked sitting in the living room. It was so easy to let things out to my dad with Cody there. I don't know why.
I found out a lot and I understood my mom more. My dad told me about how she was in the marriage and I understand why he divorced her. They had a deal, she would clean and take care of the kids while he provided the money. She didn't clean and the house was always a mess. I believe it because of how it looks today. It's unbearable. I feel trapped in an untidy, unsanitary environment. I found out the divorce wasn't totally my dad's fault. There was another guy involved that provoked him. (The next blog I post will have that story, it won't be that long) and I learned more about J. The reason he has something against my dad is because he has extreme trust issues because of what my dad did (will tell in following blog) and I learned more about my dad. I understand him more and I love him even more.
All in all, we're trying to get everything situated. Now that my dad know's about my ED's, he's supporting me and constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how strong I am and how I have so much going for myself and that he's always here for me. I have a therapist and a nutritionist, and I'm going to start excersising. Not only for my body- for myself. It feels good and it's better than sitting on the couch all day.
Yesterday, my dad said something to me. "My father always used to tell me, go out and taste everything in life, but don't get addicted." I love that saying so much.
Then he said, "I always saw two minds in you. One mind does whatever it wants and goes in any direction. The other mind needs to control that mind, because if not- your just gonna end up hurting yourself. The most important thing is finding a balance in life (I smiled at that because that's what I've been thinking this whole time) you can't veer too far to the left or the right of the road, stay in the middle. You have so much going for you. Writing, dancing, broadcasting. I know you'll go somewhere in at least one of those if not all. You have so many talents. Don't let everyone else define your life, especially out of guilt. You set up your own life. You have the mind to do amazing things."
That made my life worth living again because I looked at my mind after that and all I saw was a blank slate. I make my own life. It was like opening a new notebook where I start a new story. This black space in my mind where I'm going to start my new life where I'm going to be happy and use my talents and just have fun.
I hope this works.