trapped and trained by vicious minds.: Wrong

Friday, June 8, 2012

Wrong

UGHHHHHHHHH. I'm so pissed off.
I'm pissed off at my boyfriend too. All I can say about my life right now is what the fuck.
I get this extreme urge to rip my hair out. Pull it real hard.
But from anorexia, my hair became thinner so I can't take a chance. Instead I go for the razor.
But I'm hold back and I'm writing it all out right now.
What's wrong. Okay T, think what's wrong.
My boyfriend is being so fucking unreasonable but I really don't care because I miss him so bad I feel like crying. I haven't seen him since Monday and it's now Friday. In the almost 8 months we've been dating, we never went that long without seeing each other...aerojigtaweopkfmodigjm I'm going insane.
I just want to be in his arms and kiss him. I just want to see his face.
Have you ever been away from someone for so long, you feel like they don't exist? Like..your forgetting or something. That's how it's feeling with him and since he's so important in my life, it's hurts so much more. I just feel like he doesn't feel the same...I don't know.
We don't have a typical teen relationship, it's like I found this missing half of me. It's not two people in a relationship, it's one. I know that sounds cheesy as fuck but that's how I feel and he said he feels the same, and I believe him.
I just wish we didn't fucking fight so much...

The next thing that's wrong is I have nobody. No friends. My mom and I barely talk. All I have, literally, is my dad and my boyfriend. My boyfriend, who I'll now call B, and I constantly fight and my dad doesn't know me as well as my boyfriend does...
I feel alone. I can't explain how alone I feel.
I wish I had someone again...
My best friend since 3rd grade moved, my best friend since 6th grade moved. And my other closer friends, I've pulled away from. I don't know what to do. I just wish I didn't feel so damn alone.
I have one closer friend. I'll call her BH. I wish we could be closer but we can't have sleepovers or chill at my house because she did something horrible to me in 8th grade. Extreme harassment.
But she has changed and I know she has because I can see it in her eyes and hear it in the words she says. She's so much different than the immature little bitches we all were. She went to boot camp in 9th grade, and she's a foster kid, so she's been through shit.
I just don't know what to do anymore...
I just wish B was here.

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Summer 2012 "About Me" (No Longer Applies)

I'm Tiana. (Tee-On-Ah) I have anorexia and binge eating disorder, ocd, depression, anxiety, derealization disorder, insomnia and I self harm. I'm 16 1/2 and my birthday is September 11th. I have a boyfriend who I've been with since October 20th, 2011. When the summer ends, I'll be a Junior. I'm an avid reader, getting a new book is like getting a brand new shiny piece of jewelry. Books are another word in the palm of your hands- an escape. I also write. I remember as a kid I said "Who would want to be an author? It takes so much time." I find it funny because now I just get lost in my mind and the words flow swiftly in the right way. I've been taking ballet since I was 4, and I'm going to spend the next two years becoming more familiar with Pointe. Next to that, I also go ice skating for fun. I started ice skating when I was 10 and I just had a natural bond with it. Might have resulted from ballet and high skill with in-line skating. ;D I'm a 100% movie fiend. I take Broadcasting Communications in school and I intend to go to college for it. I want to do something in that business whether it be acting, directing, photo/video editing, and/or photography. When I'm not dealing with my Ed, I like to think of myself as adventurous. I love finding new things, in my mind or in real life. I have a huge mind that holds a massive amount. I'm very creative when it comes down to it. I love unique things and I like to stand out. People are just so boring. I'm a tomboy. I love jeans and hoodies and tee-shirts and video games. Maybe that's why I love Autumn. Cause I get to wear all that stuff and since it's not nice out- I get to sit inside and play video games like the lazy ass I am. xD Also, I'm not fond of the sunlight or warm weather, at all. I absolutely positively am 100% incapable of judging. If someone told me the most fucked up thing about themselves or something they did, I would not be able to judge in the slightest. I have this view on everyone. Everyone is so beautiful, every part of them. Everyone has beauty in them.

Highest weight:
163 lbs
Lowest weight:
116 lbs
Current weight:
120-125 lbs
Height:
5"5 1/2

I have very long dark brown hair that's naturally straight but I straighten it anyway, and straight bangs. Green/gray/blue/yellow eyes. Pouty lips. Pale skin. I never take off a black stretch choker, a Sapphire heart necklace, small silver hoops, my "Beautiful Strong" bracelet (see blog "The Bracelet"). My hands are always painfully dry and I hate the way lotion feels and smells and gets on everything so I just deal. I used to paint my nails because it just looks awesome but I became too impatient to wait for them to dry and they chip the next day so I just gave up. Thumbs up for pointless info.

Climbing The Ladder

Starting diet: Yogurt and fruit.
June 22- Started walking and doing situps everyday.
June 23- Added Chinese back into my diet.
June 25- Added tuna back into my diet.
June 29- Got my period and started lifting 10 lb.
June 30- Made it a week without quitting added foods. July 2- Added bread and egg whites into my diet.
July 8- Added white chicken breast into my diet.
Current diet as of July 16:
Egg whites, Weight Watchers Whole Wheat bread, 97% Beef Franks hotdogs, Weight Watchers chicken breast, CHOBANI plain yogurt, fruit, vegetables, shrimp, tuna.

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