The Fight

I really don't want to even think about it but I have a feeling if I don't let it out, it'll come back at me hard somehow.
 Last night me and my boyfriend had another fight.
But this was like the fight. We were bitching back and forth and I was being my stubborn self and then he said "I give up." Those words scared me breathless. I didn't know what he meant. He told me we need to take a break. Time to "find ourselves." Then he said "what if we still talked every day and hung out and loved eachother in a different way?"
Even though he said wasn't breaking up with me, I died.
I can't explain the feeling I got. But I can try.
It was like a close family member just died.
I was shaking uncontrollably, my heart was the only thing I could hear in my ears, I couldn't breathe. It was like a panic attack times ten.
Then my insides crashed. Everything felt like it stopped working. It felt like my body was hollow, pointless.
I suddenly felt completely lost.
My body felt like it was crushed and flat and nothing but my skin was left intact.
The life left me.
The first thought I had was "I'm never eating again." then immediately that little Ed thought that came in during a weak point, was crushed by "I'm going to kill myself." Big letters in my head.
I always thought about suicide before but I never actually thought I could do it. But at that moment, I felt I could actually stand up, go to my room and swallow all my Naproxen. (a pain pill I take for my migraines)
My psychologist told me I set myself up. I want to prove I'm worthless by sabotaging myself. I do it unintentionally. The example she gave was, "You say you and your boyfriend fight a lot because of you. That's because your setting yourself up. You've learned your worthless, so you believe it so strongly, that your unintentionally sabotaging yourself. Your waiting until the moment he breaks up with you to get the small satisfaction of saying, "I was right, I wasn't worth it." "
That moment came and I suddenly understood what she meant.
I changed last night when that happened. Something broke off of me and I don't know what it is.
But I think it was for the better. I feel like I can listen and talk it out besides pushing it off like I usually do. I bitch him out instead of listening to what he feels is wrong and trying to solve it.
I can't explain it but I feel like that's over. That was within the part that broke off me.
I feel more free. Like some kind of wall has been demolished, or a cloak draped over an old part of me has been lifted.
I'm seeing again.
And when that happened last night, when he gave me the worst, most dreadful feeling and that cloak was lifted, I saw clearly that I wasn't going to give up. I knew what I could do to make it better.
I knew I could change.
We talked and talked and I was still having the horrible panic attack and I went in the bathroom to look in the mirror at my red face and eyes and the tears that blurred my vision, but not enough to be able to see how I hurt myself. How I let myself do this.
I went in my room and got my razor and my teddy bear and came out to the living room where my laptop was. Three cuts then sitting there clutching my teddy bear tightly, I tried as hard as I could and thank God...He gave it another chance. We're both going to try.
The aftermath of how I felt was odd and surprising.
I thought I'd feel horrible, betrayed. He promised me he'd never break up with me and he just proved me wrong. Even if it was a moment of weakness.
Well, I do feel that. I don't feel I can fully trust his promises anymore. That was the biggest promise he ever made and I believed it wholeheartedly.
But I'm also relieved in a painful way that it happened. It taught me what I was doing to myself and that I could change. That I have to change.
I just hope I can trust him again because without him I'm nothing. And without trusting him...Well then it's just a stress on my shoulders to always be cautious toward his promises.