Meeting Ed

Ed is my Eating Disorder.

Ed is this lying, deceiving little personality inside my mind. I shouldn't say little actually, because he pretty much owned me. My mind was consumed with Ed.
He's the stronger voice that fights with my weak voice, and he always won.
He always won because I didn't know him, I thought it was me.
Recently I started seeing a therapist and she did this technique during a session that surprised me really. I've seen it in movies but I always thought it was some kind of joke. I never thought I'd be doing it.
What happened was beyond my belief.
She pulled up a chair across from me and sat back down in her chair.
She pointed to the chair across from me. "I want you to imagine your eating disorder is sitting in that chair," she told me. "Tell Ed what you're telling me, how is he making you feel?"
I looked from her to the chair and starting out I was shy so I didn't  address Ed directly I said, "He ruined my life, he's taking everything from me. He made my life miserable. I'm not happy anymore, I can't live."
She then repeated everything to the chair as if she were talking to a person.
Then she told me to sit in the empty chair and respond to what I just said, as my eating disorder.
I felt weird but I was willing, so I kept going.
I sat in the chair and looked at my empty spot on the couch.
"You're weak," were the first words out of my mouth. "You're stupid. You have no say, I'm in control and I always will be. You're worthless, you have no hope. I own you."
I have to say, it was so much easier to talk to myself, than it was talking to my eating disorder. I felt strong, powerful. Like those harsh words meant something.
When I was myself, I felt weak and my words felt like nothing.

Me and Ed went back and forth after this.
Me: I'm going to get rid of you.
Ed: You can't get rid of me. Without me you can't be happy. Without me you'll have no purpose. Your weak, you need me for strength. I'm stronger than you, you have no chance.
At this point I couldn't respond because the words I said to myself as Ed felt so unbearably true, I couldn't disagree.
That's when my counselor sat next to me and talked to the chair. She defended me. I can't exactly remember what but I remember the words, "She's not weak. She will make it out of this, you know why? She's got me. And I won't let you take her. She's not in this alone."
She then turned to me and said, "You know that right? You're not in this alone."
I was so touched to hear her defense and how sure she sounded.
This technique drained me because it was a big stamp on my recovery card.
She told me, "We just revealed Ed."
At that moment, something clicked in my head. It all made sense.
She asked me how I felt with all this. I said I felt strong and sure as Ed and weak and pointless as me.
I now know I'm not Ed, Ed is a part of me. We all have different parts of ourselves.
And even though I can't get rid of Ed, I can change my relationship with him.