Her and Excuses

I asked her if she lost weight. Because me being me, I noticed. She did.

"Oh yeah, I did lose weight. I don't know why, I'm not trying. It might be all the speed but I've been off it for two weeks. I went to the doctor for my shot and they had to weigh me and I was 145, now I'm 133. I eat all the time though and I've been trying to gain it back. I just can't. It could just me genetics, my dad's side is really heavy but my mom's side is really skinny, so I fall right in the middle. A lot of my mom's side actually have diseases like anorexia or hyperthyroidism."

She described it as a disease. And maybe that's how I should start looking at it, because a disease is a sickness. I just can't think of it as an incurable sickness..more like a fever or flu. Something that you get over. Your immune system fights it off, sometimes you need help with medication. I guess I can call my will my immune system and my medication my therapist and nutritionist. 

This girl is my new inspiration. She's not thin, but she's healthy. She had a little chub, but now she's a little slimmer. She has figure and she has such an I don't give a fuck appearance in a way that isn't bad or scummy. Her "I know who I am" just smacks you in the face and it's beautiful. It captures me and I envy it in a way that isn't bad, but in the way that makes her something to look up to. She wants to gain her chub back and last night she grabbed her stomach and said, "If I lost this, I'd be so upset. I can't stand being too thin, I don't try to fit in with society. I like having something there. Like, I've never been uncomfortable with my body." She wasn't bragging, she was telling the truth. I was baffled the whole time she was talking, hearing a girl say this. When all you hear from girls are dreams of weight loss or worries of weight gain.

I've never met a girl who was truly comfortable with herself until I got to know her. She will be referred to as  Ami. I used to hate her, and she used to hate me because I hated her. We were vicious to eachother. And it's weird because she's in my math class and ever since the beggining of the year we've been talking and then it went to mall hangouts that started because she smokes weed too and we smoked together. Then she got caught with it so she had to stop because of piss tests, but we kept hanging. She's the only person I met that doesn't make me feel any certain way. 

Everyone else, you get an awkward vibe or an annoyed vibe, or a we have nothing in common vibe, blah blah. But with Ami, it's like talking to me almost. Like I'm not being judged. Me and her can talk and talk and talk about everything and anything for a long long time. She doesn't know about ol' Ed hiding in the back there. Maybe one day, I don't know. I don't like telling because if I eat with someone, I can't pretend they forget. They might observe me then I'd be uncomfortable.

It's funny, I knew these three girls for the longest time and I found out they have Ed's. Anorexia, on the specific side. Something else I found funny..they came right out with it. I hide mine like a precious shiny jewel a robber is after..

Yesterday in school I came across one of them I hadn't talked to in a while. There was this thing- wear a black ribbon on your wrist if you've ever self harmed, had an eating disorder, etc. and I asked her what she had and I knew she self harmed but then she said "ex-anorexic" and I'm like, "So you're recovered?" and she's like yeah and I asked her how and she said, "You just get tired of it after a while."

I laughed in my head. You cannot just get rid of it like that. It confused me.

I'm talking to B about the common excuses I use. I came up with 3 in different forms.

I'm not hungry-I already ate.

I don't feel good-My stomach hurts.

Focusing it on something else-No I'm too tired, I just want to go to bed, etc.

I use "I have gum in my mouth" a lot because I always chew gum.

I wonder if that can help me at all. Knowing my excuses..I'll talk to my therapist about it.

Until next time.

I Just Don't Know

I'm fuming. Literally. My body is radiating and I feel like my insides are shaking since last night and it just seems to progressively be getting worse.

B.

I do not know what else to fucking do.

He's constantly throwing complete bullshit in my face and I keep wiping it off and keeping the constant hope for our relationship.

The hope is finally cracked, and the crack is pretty fucking big.

Happy October

This morning I had my pediatric gastroenterologist appointment, 8:45am. No school. :D
We got to the hospital and the parking was insane so my dad let me go in the main entrance and I found my way to the check in for my specific kind of appointment then my dad met up with me after finding a parking spot.

Distended Pain

This isn't right and I've known it for a long time.

My stomach is so distended and my skin feels tight. I'm eating and drinking correctly and yet somehow my bowels still despise me.

I am so incredibly fed up with this I want to sit and stand and be comfortable doing so. 

But no, my skin is always pulling, my tummy is always pooched out because I'm always full.

It's such a problem..

Oh, To Live In A Dream...

Me: I'd rather just live in a dream 24/7.

B: Really? :\

Me: Yeah better than real life..

B: Guess you'd finally have a good boyfriend in your dreams too. :')

Me: What?

B: Just forget about it...what's up?

Me: Haha no I'm not going to forget about it.

Fake

I'm this pathetic, lifeless vessel. 

Everything I do and say feels wrong and I honestly don't know what's right anymore.

I don't have anyone to talk to or be with. The same old situation but.. it's enhanced.

Before I didn't have anyone and I was alone, now I don't have anyone and I'm surrounded by people 5 days of  the week and usually the weekends now too with B and his friends. All the people and I'm still alone.

I cannot find one decent person to be a friend. Mostly everyone is just a body that I talk to about pointless things for a short period of time. It's all fake. Everything is fake. Everyone is fake and everything everyone does isn't real. Everything that happens is not real.

11 Months

I’m trying something new. I’m in Broadcasting right now, writing on Microsoft Word, which I’ll save this, put it on my flash drive, then upload it to my Microsoft word on my computer and upload it to Blogger. AHAH. Good idea huh?

Right now, the text is at 8 which is like a quarter portion of my nail. It’s so small. The actual window is half size and on the corner of the screen. Being discreet as FUCK.

Today

Today is a depressing day. 

Not just because of the weather, it's been pouring all day. And I mean pouring.

I'm Back

Eh. Too long since I've written. I just find it pointless. By now there's too much to fill in on, so I'll just continue and fill in if I must.

My birthday was last Tuesday. September 11th. I'm now 17. I like that age. It's like a year above a child, a year younger than an adult. I feel more mature than other kids, and therefore- I feel more confident.

My birthday started shitty, probably because I was expecting it too. Plus I was really off Monday and my birthday. I put soap on my toothbrush Tuesday.. I was tired. And my mom texted me. So that basically fucked my day. First period, BH snuck in and wrote "Happy 17th Birthday Tiana! -Gingie [:" on the board. I call her Gingie cause she's a ginger, red hair and all that. She likes it so..yeah. xD That made my morning better. B was..off. He didn't feel good. His stomach, said he ate too much the night before. I totally understood.

Music and Dreams

I'm looking at my music library and the majority of it is from B. It makes me sick.

I'm not trying to conform. The bands are actually good. But they're mellow and different from my usual stuff. I've been a metal fiend for years. Parkway Drive and Breathe Carolina have been my favorite bands for as long as I can remember. I have a very diverse taste in music, but metal and techno totally own me. Dubstep is probaby next.

I want to stop feeling like he's so much a part of me.. Even though he is. But in a different way.

Like he lives in me somewhere. That shouldn't be. 

I need to separate.

I Don't Know

A lot happened in the past few days. Nothing life changing but just stuff. I was gonna write a blog but I didn't feel like it and I still don't but hey, nothing better to do. I'm gonna update on today and some thoughts.

Me and B went to go see Paranorman in 3D. It was awesome but not as good as Coraline (my all time favorite movie). He was just in such a bad mood. I could tell something was off this morning. He was talking weird..too..serious. Different. Forced. I don't know.. After the movie we went to Wendy's and I got..wait for it..a Berry Almond Chicken salad! Finally I reached that goal (mentioned in a June blog). It was..so fucking delicious oh my god... yes.

But after Wendy's we went to the music shop across the road and I got incense and a burner..and he was still acting weird. The whole time I was with him he seemed so..pissed. Not at me, just in general.

He took me home after that.. And my day was ruined. I wanted to go to the mall and hang out like we planned but it's like..every time we make plans they always get altered or fucked in general.

I'm fucking sick of it. Our plans always sound so good and they either turn into just chilling and doing nothing at his house, or being cancelled all together.. He's so fucking indecisive and hard to please anymore. I need friends. I need a car to go do stuff on my own. But I don't even have a license yet. I'm 2 months away from my permit expiring.

I want to go out and do stuff. Fun stuff. I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone but that's a huge problem when I'm trapped in one.

Fuck.

Getting Informed and NYC

Friday, my mom picked me up around 2:30pm. I stepped outside and got in her car. Opening the door and seeing her, it felt like something in my head warped. It was crazy. Like I was smashed into a reality I already knew, but I wasn't in that reality before I saw her. I got in the car and quickly went to hug her. Both of us red eyes, tearing up. A big warm hug, the ones I missed. I said, "I missed you," and she says it back. Her voice. I missed it so much.

I'm Done

I'm done. I'm sitting here crying harder than I have in the longest time. I feel it. I feel the pain, I feel the hurt. I feel the love. I feel the emptiness. Sobs..over and over. I'm trying to keep them as silent as possible. All I want to do is cry and whine while I cry. Like when I was a child and I was upset over small things that wouldn't matter nearly as much now.
I texted my mom simply saying, "Mom, I miss you so much." I tried to hold myself back but I just couldn't. I went through trouble to make sure she wouldn't get my number and I just text her. I don't regret it. I miss her so much. I miss her voice and hugs so fucking much it hurts.
She replied, "Oh baby I miss you too."
I just decided I'm done. I'm done letting in what hurts me and I'm done blocking out what makes me happy. Fuck the things that don't make me happy they're not worth my time or energy. It's time to feel. It's time to stop shoving my emotions back down with food. It's time to stop feeling empty. It's time to start feeling whole again. I need this. I need to stop sabotaging myself. I need to be me and not be afraid. I just hope I can wake up and do it. Stop feeling like a robot and start feeling. It's probably gonna require practice, but I'm willing. I just don't want to do this anymore. I can't live like this. I'm living a dead life.

The Phantom Letter to my Mom

I just wrote this out of no where through a bunch of tears.

Dear Mom,

I miss you. I miss your warm hugs that always made me feel enveloped in love. I miss your voice. I miss having fun with you. I miss being with you. I miss talking to you. I love you so much I can’t put words to it.

But you’ve hurt me so much that I can’t do it anymore. I can’t tolerate all the bad that has to come with the good. The bad overtakes the good and all I’m left with is pain. The good times can’t cover the pain anymore.

It doesn’t change my love for you or how much I miss you. I wish you could be the mommy that’s fun and caring all the time. I feel like a huge hole has been punched in my life because you’re not there. And you weren’t there. Back when I was with you all I got was complaints and guilt trips and I constantly felt horrible about myself and things I did because of your words and actions towards me. Then when I left it got so much worse from you and so much better from being at dad’s. I have an eating disorder centered around dealing with what you brought to me. This eating disorder is me walking through the flames in hell. The flames are coming in contact with my skin and slowly burning me alive. It’s like this spiral and I don’t know how it can get better because I’m in pain with you in my life and I’m in pain without you.

You locked me out of the home I lived in all my life. You actually went through the trouble to use money you complain about not having, to change the locks on the house to keep me out. You shut my phone off for no other reason besides to spite me..I took that as trying to cut contact with me too.

I’m just so hurt. I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do. You caused so much of this and I still love you so much.

I just wish I could find my way. I wish I could have a mom. I wish, I wish, I wish. But wishings not enough.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person you wanted me to be. I’m just sorry I wasn’t good enough for you.

Tiana

A Revealing Dream

I had a dream about my mom last night..I really didn't expect it.
I came home to get a pile of pictures of me as a kid (I've been meaning to do that in real life) and when I got in the door everything was tense, anger. So much anger. Shaking, adrenaline. I ran into my room, and got the pictures hanging around my room. Old ones with my friends from the mall photo booth cover my closet, a few pictures of me as a kid in various places. Then my mom appears at my door and is screaming at me that I can't take them. I angrily asked her where my other pictures were.

Might've Found A Real Friend..?

I get to see my therapist tonight. It's funny how whenever I have an appointment, I dread it. Actually I dread it all the time. From the second I leave the appointment up until the next appointment. It's too much work and I hate talking because I don't feel like I'm saying the right things in the right way. I know that's what therapy's for, to fix me up to a point where I can function again..So what I'm saying should be wrong most of the time. But I'm sick of it. I'm so sick of everything. This is so exhausting and my life is so boring. I want to have an exciting life. I feel like I'm wasting my time..No, my life.

Dreams, Questions, and Appointments

I had really.. weird dreams last night. I can't really remember anything but a few parts. I was in this big old stone house and in the middle of a huge floor there was a giant deep square hole. It was like the building was just floorless besides a small sidewalk lining the sides and the rest just made up a hole. I don't know if that makes sense but I can't explain it another way. The lighting was low and eerie. Like in a horror movie. Kids (looked preteen-teen) had these like stretchy bungee looking things and they were holding onto them with their hands and jumping off the edge of the highly placed "sidewalk" and bouncing back up. I think I took one of the bungee things off someone else and tried it.
The next thing I remember is I did something and everyone was gone besides me and someone else. The hole was filling up with blue liquid. Higher and higher until it almost touched me. Something was controlling it, something that seemed otherworldly or paranormal.
I woke up laying on my back, my arms at my sides, my body slightly angled. Cold. Scared. I pulled my comforter up on me and turned sideways- the normal way I sleep.
The next dream I remember is I was in Broadcasting class at school. (I don't know why but I keep having dreams about the first day of school, bad dreams) I came in a few minutes after the bell and instead of going to my scheduled first period, I went to Broadcasting and my teacher said he marked me absent. So I just stayed there all day and missed my classes. (I had another dream about skipping the first day sometime last week) I remember a girl. A girl I never met. She was sitting in a desk next to me and her hair was kind of short, had small natural curls at the bottom, light brownish. She looked sort of mentally challenged. Her name was Courtney. (I'm amazed I remembered the name)
That's all I really remember. But I wonder why I keep having bad dreams about school. I'm not scared to go back, I don't want to go back nor do I dread going back. I'm kind of mutual about all of it. I'm eager to learn but I'm afraid I'll be stuck in classes where the teachers are dipwads and don't actually teach. Just a waste of time. I don't want to be wasting time with bullshit, I want to use my learning time to learn.
Funny, when you're a kid and you do bad and the teachers suck, you're usually the one they blame- not the teacher. Because teachers are oh so perfect at their jobs it's always the one kid who doesn't understand. No. A lot of teachers absolutely suck at what they do to earn money. They're just in it for the money, they don't care about us. My mom offered to put me in cyber school a long while ago. I always kinda wanted to but I'd rather the highschool experience while I have it.

My therapist appointment is tomorrow. She told me to write a phantom letter to my mom because during the last session..I just could not talk about her. I don't know why. She asked me how I felt about certain things that involved my mom and my mind just went blank. She pulled up the chair that I talked to Ed in before and said to imagine my mom was there, what would I say. I couldn't talk. My mind was totally empty. It pisses me off so much. And what pisses me off even more is that before writing this, I tried writing that letter. Nothing. I couldn't come up with anything. I don't fucking understand why my brain can't just spew everything out about my mom that I'm feeling..Cause I know there's a lot. It's bottled up and the bottles cap is sealed shut. That's a perfect tool for Ed because while I can't get the bottle open, Ed can somehow snake through and imaginary opening on a different part of the bottle. A part I need to find. But it's so impossible when I don't know how. I have this feeling that if I don't somehow get how I feel about my mom down on paper..I won't be moving in recovery.
And that's how I feel now. My diet is straying slighty.

I'm not counting calories for everything now, only occasionally when I'm afraid I'll go over a certain amount. But now I know what meals are safe. This happened before. I get comfortable with a food and I stop adding. Then it starts going backward. The not counting of the calories isn't a good thing as much as it's a bad thing. Because I'm not sure, I'm cutting things out because I'm afraid it'll go over a safe amount. Now I'm down to two real food meals and the last is just fruit. I'm going to break the cycle today and move forward. I can't let myself go backward because it happens every time and every time it always ends up worst than the last.  One step forward, two steps back..Always.
I've been bingeing/almost bingeing every night now. I'm not going to binge tonight and I'm going to work to make sure it doesn't happen or that I'm not planning it in the back or front of my head. So I'm asking myself some questions:
Tiana, what triggers a binge?
Well, being bored definitely. Being upset. A big one is being alone (and I'm always alone..hah..) And having the fruit available.
More specifically, what foods trigger a binge? 
Fruit.
What kind of fruit?
Grapes are at the top. Raspberries and blueberries. Watermelon, cantaloupe. All the big fruits you can cut up because it's easy to consume too much as well. If it's in pieces, it's at the top of the list of easy to binge foods. Nectarines and peaches are at the same level. Pears. Apples are probably last because they're not as soft as other fruits.
So what are you going to do?
I'm going to stop buying grapes, raspberries and blueberries. I've already stopped buying watermelon and all the big fruits. It's the berries and peaches and nectarines that have me. As long as I have the fruit, it will be screaming at me all the time. (I think the reason I stopped bingeing for a bit is because I didn't have that stuff available to me, I was smart and wouldn't buy it because I knew if I did there would be a binge).
Why are you doing this?
I'm sick of hurting my body. I want my body to be healthy and function right so I can feel right physically. Fuck mentally. I'm too fucked up in the head to try and fix it alone. And with fruit. Fruit is not the answer to everything and it certainly doesn't help me in any way other than to feel sick.

On another note, my face is getting oily. Around my nose, upper cheeks and forehead. Sometimes my chin. I asked B why my skin gets so oily after smoking weed and he said, "It either makes your skin oily or it takes the oil away." And now I'm like fuck because I always had clear good skin and now it's all oily and ew..My nose is breaking out a little. Small pimples coming and going. I got Astringent at walmart to put on my face to get rid of the oil..I hope this isn't a permanent thing.

I have a nutritionist appointment on Wednesday. I don't want to go. I've done nothing but fail. She gave me a food journal last time I was there and I haven't wrote a single thing down. I haven't added, I've subtracted. I just don't want to go back because nothing will be available to talk about..
Maybe I'll have my dad cancel since it's probably not do able anyway. It's at 3:30 and usually he doesn't get home till around then. I'd need to find a ride either way so maybe it'd be better.

I have an appointment for my hair on the 23rd. The hairdresser my mom always takes me to and has been close friends with since she was a teenager. I had to call and make an appointment by myself and the date she chose was like instant mouth drop. Every year I get my hair done before school and every year she schedules me on the same day as an orientation, this year she scheduled me on the day I pick up my schedule for school. (I don't need orientation this year) So it's like she doesn't even know and she schedules me on that day. Struck me as funny.
But I'm worried about getting my hair done. It's dry and it's thin and I lose so much hair and I'm afraid what dye will do or what her ripping through my hair will do.. I'm going to look up haircuts for very long hair that makes hair look thicker..I just want my old thick hair back..

A Fantasy

 I haven't been being totally open in my posts. That's done with.

B is on vacation with his friends until Wednesday. He's getting back at night so I won't be able to see him until Thursday..Kill me. I'm going to be completely alone until he gets back. What with my dad constantly working and B won't be texting much. He'll be swimming or too high to talk to. Yeah, him and his friends are going to be nonstop high the whole vacation. It was planned. Today, the first day they're there- we've barely talked. I mean yeah we talked but it was real conversation. It's spaced out ranging from 10-50 minutes for a response mostly. I miss him already and yeah there's times I went 4 days without seeing him, but I was still talking to him constantly. Now it's like I don't see him or talk to him. I'm already feeling extremely alone and trapped inside my head. I have no distractions and Ed is sneaking in a lot more lately.

Should I Even Bother?

I put work and time into this blog and like..no one is reading it.
If you think I should keep writing and putting effort, there's a poll on the side there.

Skin Tight Binge

A nectarine, two apples, a pear, a shit ton of grapes and like a cup and a half of raspberries. Earlier, yogurt, a banana, a nectarine, a pear, raspberries and a bunch of grapes.
I'm exhausted and it feels like a bowling ball is in my lower right abdomen..and it looks that way too. Hard. My skin is tight. When I breathe, I feel like someone is sitting on my lungs. My stomach is sticking out. I'm the definition of uncomfortable. I want to cut my midsection out and get rid of this excruciating discomfort..
I want to clear my body of all the food I ate and all the stuff waiting to leave but not being able to. I want to feel comfortable and eat good. Tomorrow I won't binge. I think I'm going to feel sick tomorrow. Not in the mood. But who knows, I used to binge on a fuckload more every single night during school for a long time there. I hate bingeing but today was just..I was setting myself up for it. Ever since last night and this morning I woke up with the desire to do nothing but binge. I had to hold off at bingeing on real food every meal. Then night strikes and the fruit comes out.
The aftermath of this binge was different. I came in my room and left the lights off. Grabbed my blanket and sat down and covered my legs. I want to feel covered right now. Enveloped in something.. Comforted.  I'm sick of this. I'm sick of tight skin and discomfort. I'm sick of living in pain and fear and constant planning and worry about my diet. I want to fucking LIVE.
I fucking despise to the bottom of hell binge eating and starving. I. FUCKING. DESPISE. IT.

A Message From Ed

My Dear Tiana,

I've been planning a binge for you since you woke up. You're hungry today even though you're not. You can't control it, I can and you're going to binge tonight on those amazing, sweet grapes, raspberries, nectarines, apples and pears you just got at the store because I told you to. Mmmm that sweet fruit. We both know what tastes good with what. Ignore the pain that's gonna follow because it's going to be so good when you're doing it. Tonight at the therapists, you won't tell her you're planning a binge. You're going to zone out and think of what you're going to eat with what.
Don't worry, you can do that "starting fresh" shit again tomorrow. Maybe it'll work for a day, maybe I'll grab you by the throat again like today. Today you need me for a reason you can't place. You just need me like you always have. You'll never not need me. But that's okay, because I'll always be here. You're all mine and I'll always take care of you. You got your period yesterday, one day over a month. You're still eating regular foods. Good girl. But late at night, you know that's when it's the most tempting to eat. And I know that's the easiest time to grab you. These binges for the past few days prove it. So go to the therapists. Come home and take that walk. But when you get done with that shower...
Fucking bitch. You're all mine.

Love Always,
Ed

Powerless

Long time, no write. I'm sure it seems like I'm neglecting this blog when in fact, I'm not. Shit keeps shoving itself in the way somehow. So prepare for another interesting story.

Breaking Heart

I started another blog but I decided it was too long to finish earlier, so I was going to finish it now until I had to post about something else.
I mentioned in previous blogs about how I have no one but BH, B, and my dad and my brother C. Things have gotten to an all time low. BH and me are through (reason in next blog), me and C don't even talk anymore, I still barely see my dad (but I've been hanging with him all weekend and it fucking rocks), and B..I've lost him. No, not break up but..that's the only way I can really put it. 
He's choosing his friends over me now. He's not making sense. He's not himself. He's not trying in this relationship.

Tight Skin

I had a bad day and it just got worse with a binge. Lovely.
First, I wake up for good at 11:20am, having gotten yet another horrible nights sleep somehow. Considering I was exhausted yesterday from shit sleep the night before, I should have slept good last night. But instead I woke up god knows how many times, I don't even know if I can say I slept. I was either awake or drifting. I don't think I actually fell asleep. That happens a lot actually but last night it was just what the fuck. Then I go to the kitchen for breakfast, get out the egg whites and I only have like a tablespoon left, so that fucked my breakfast. I ended up having a piece of bread with a small Activia vanilla yogurt (cause I was out of Chobani, we were out of like everything) and an apple. A small, unfilling as fuck breakfast. Then I go in my room and decide to hang up my posters. I get the dust all wiped off and I look at my walls and decide I can't do shit until my dresser is set up cause I don't know where my mirror is going.

Body and Mind Differences

Me and my dad put together my desk today. Well technically, he did. I just hung in the living room the whole time and watched him, texted B, and helped the few times he asked. Stupid assembly required..
Anyway, it turned out great. I love it. I'm sitting here right now and it's all set up and awesome. My books are on the top.. oh how I missed my books. My speakers are on either side. It's becoming more homey and I'm loving it.
I have a lot more to do though. Putting stuff away. And it's hard because we got rid of my vanity which had all my 'girl' stuff on it. Hair products, perfume, deodorant, makeup, some jewelry, meds. So now I had to put all that stuff on my nightstand till we find some type of small dresser. My dad was intending to get me a biiiig one but I don't need that. Just give me some plastic drawers in the closet for my clothes and a small table for my girl items and an awesome roomy desk for schoolwork and my laptop and I'm good. 

Moving = Finished

So.. so tired. I got up around 10:40 today and layed in bed till 11:10 then got up ate had breakfast, went for my walk, and showered. Then I called C over and over..and over to make sure he was home. I wanted to run down and get my stuff because my mom went camping this weekend with her fiance. He didn't answer, so I played chance and me and my dad took a ride to the house. I expected mom to be there or J and no C. I thought something would turn out difficult. But we rounded the corner and I saw C's car there, and only C's car. Relief flooded through me. I tried the front door, locked. Then I did what I should have done the last time, but forgot because I was too consumed in anger- I opened the garage door and went through the door to the house. Walking in, C is about to go up the steps to answer the door. I figured he was sleeping when he wouldn't answer-and he was.

Teeth, Betrayal, and Adding

My periodontist appointment..wow. I was really not expecting this and it made me feel purely idiotic.
I went in and had to fill out this long long paper then a nice middle aged male dentist took me in and did something I never experienced. He goes through my mouth with the mirror and is saying tooth 16 and tooth 23 and I'm like holy shit he knows them by number. Then he goes through each of the gums by my teeth and he pokes three times, once on each side and once in the middle. His assistant is standing slightly behind me copying down what he's ass he goes through my teeth inside and out. 223, 322, 232, 233, 323. All these combinations of 2's and 3's. I was thinking is he testing the sensitivity or the recession or what the hell is going on? I wasn't even expecting that. So I'm sitting there trying not to have a panic attack and bracing myself for him saying how much grafting surgery I'm gonna need.

Small Updates

When I started writing: Yogurt and fruit.
Now: Egg whites, diet whole wheat bread, 97% fat free hot dogs, white chicken breast, yogurt, fruit, vegetables, shrimp, tuna.
I literally cannot believe my eyes when I read that and it's actually true. As long as I've got wrapped so tight with Ed, I had it decided my diet would never change. It didn't feel possible in the slightest and I didn't want it to be possible. And now yesterday morning I had egg whites and two pieces of toast with an apple. Isn't that such a normal breakfast? For lunch I had a hot dog on a piece of diet whole wheat bread, lettuce and some mustard with mixed vegetables and an apple. Then later in the day I had some yogurt and fruit and a piece of bread for a snack. Isn't that..crazy? I could applaud myself but I still can't believe it.

Peter Pan

I was laying on my couch watching Return to Neverland last night. A long time loved movie. I relate heavily with Jane, Wendy's daughter. She's stubborn and she can laugh but she's in a rush to grow up. Always referring to imagination as "childish nonsense." As a child, I was always like that. I would wear small plastic heels and want to play with makeup and wear my moms clothes. I wanted to grow up. Find love, drive, have boobs, be able to wear makeup and wear real heels and grow up and be independent. Of course, what child didn't? It always makes me cry because I relate heavily with Jane and there's a song that breaks me down and always has.

Ed's Back With A Binge

I'm gonna stop hushing this in my head as just "slightly overeating." I just binged on watermelon. I had like 3/4 of a whole one, an apple, and two small pears. I feel so fucking stupid. Ed kept making excuses. "Oh there's just that left. You can finish it even though you're full." "If you finish it you might be able to be able to go to the bathroom to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling."
Then Ed started talking about going back to fruit and yogurt only. No matter how badly I want to, that's just drawing the line. I'm not going to go back.
I feel so fucking..numb anymore. Like not anxiety numb it's more like fuck everything numb.
My body has changed. My legs have more muscle so obviously they look bigger, my arms have more muscle so they look different. Not so boney, toned. My midsection still has a bit of the flub which I still think is water weight. My body's just not the same anymore and it's freaking me out. But I'm not going to turn back for anything so I'm just getting depressed from it. I can't be happy unless I'm thin. Period. Look at it. Thin is closer to perfection. No extra baggage, just the closest to bone you can get.
But I have to look at things other than my body. But I have nothing. I don't have one single friend anymore. BH is out. My mom and brother are out. I don't see Cody or my dad. So all I really have is B and for some reason things feel odd. I don't know what else to say. The only person it feels like I always have and will never let me down is Ed.

A Blunt, Books, and A Bit of A Binge

Thursday night I had the therapist smiling with what I was saying and she told me she wanted me to get another book called "Telling Ed No!" She let me borrow "Life Without Ed." (which was awesome) and this book is related to it. The therapist or something, I'm not too sure yet. So I got that book today and also the second book to "Life Without Ed." It's called "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me." Both of those came from the Addictions/Recovery section in Barnes&Noble adding up to a grand total of 35 fucking dollars (that my dad payed). Guilt city..

There Is No "Balance"

Last night I slept like shit. I fell asleep around 2ish and woke up for good at 10:40 something. I had to have woken up like 30 times throughout the night. The prescribed sleeping pill isn't working at all and that fact is really fucking annoying. If a prescribed pill isn't working, what will? A brick? Ugh.
I woke up, had breakfast, and went for my walk. The whole time I wasn't in a good mood. When I was walking, all I was thinking was- "I don't want to be walking, I want to be home." Then I'd attack at myself back, "Screw that I don't want to be home there's nothing to do there, I'd rather be walking." And it just went back and forth. That's the first time I did something like that since I started walking. Usually I just let my thoughts run and time eats itself but today I was just annoyed and groggy. I got back home to a text from B saying, "good morning ^_^ you know, you're the most amazing person in the world :] I'm so glad to call you mine :D" which turned an automatic smile on and my day was made. After a shower I just like moped around and hung off my bed and texted B for a bit and stared at the floor. I'm just really beat today.

Viruses Suck

Monday night I was playing minecraft on my laptop with B. Then before I went to bed I kept getting a message popping up from Windows Security Essentials saying it was going to restart my laptop to "complete a cleanup" and all this other shit. So I hit restart and then I shut it down. Yesterday morning I woke up and turned it back on, craving for minecraft like crazy. The server wasn't up so I couldn't play till B woke up and turned it on. So I chilled for a bit, then what do you know. The message starts again. From Monday night into Tuesday morning I must have restarted that thing over 35 times..Ugh. So much for completing a fucking cleanup..

Flying High

I started a blog on Saturday but didn't finish it cause I was too tired. Then I tried to finish it yesterday but just said fuck it cause I was too beat and didn't want to explain.
So now I think I'll just say fuck that blog till later and tell about last night.
My dad took me over B's around 7. I was planning on sleeping over so I told my dad there was a vbs meeting up the road at 10am this morning and I was just gonna walk up from moms house and sleep there since he would be on the road and I'd have no ride. So B picked me up and we went and played basketball for a bit, then went back to his house and chilled out on his deck and fed another dear (like I mentioned in the blog about our last sleepover). Then we layed down and watched Donnie Darko..well half of it. Then we stopped it and ate.
Then we went outside. In front of his garage cause it's his favorite spot to do it at night. He told me how to do it and he lit it while I inhaled. The first two times it was kinda a blow but the third time I inhaled so hard my throat burned to a point I thought I was gonna puke. But I didn't. Then he started shotgunning me and we took more hits and I finally felt it.
I was high for the first time in my life.

Lights

I was on my way home from ice skating. Taking the highway and it was dark outside. I know trucks usually have those lights lining parts of the load, but I saw a truck with the load lined more heavily. I had this moment and my face dropped as a memory flashed back. I was a child and we were on the highway. The trucks were all lit up and all I remember thinking is how cool it was they decorated their trucks up with Christmas lights. I was amazed and I know that because when I remembered it, a burst of fascination went through me. I haven't thought about that since I used to think it. I think I was maybe 5. I wonder why it just happened now. I've seen trucks in the dark lined with lights plenty of times over the years.

Rag Doll

Today: yogurt, apple, pear, slice of bread for breakfast. Bag of steamfresh veggies for a snack, then tuna on bread with a few more raw veggies. Then I went for my walk. I feel real iffy about how much real food I had. I feel like I need to go on another walk. But instead I'm just gonna go ice skating.
I wanted to go with B but he's acting really different. I hung with him last night and we went swimming and the whole time it felt like I was with a different person. I felt like I couldn't open up to him like I usually could when I'm with him, so I just kept my mouth shut about a lot of shit. After we went swimming, we watched an episode of Masters of Horror and I layed with him like I usually do when we watch something and it felt a little better because there were no words and I couldn't see his face for expressions.

Tummy Confusion

Me and sleep just don't get along well. I'm dead tired. I have a splitting headache because of it and on top of all that my tummy feels weird. All of this switching in food isn't settling well with my stomach. I fucking hate regular food. Fruit keeps you fuller and it tastes better and it's just better. Ths morning I had an apple like usual, and I had like 3 servings of egg whites which is 9 tablespoons-75 calories and 15g of protein. It's actually not a lot. I had it on a piece of toast like normal and that's all. Ugh I felt like I had to puke and I still wasn't full and I wasn't gonna go for yogurt cause it's plain yogurt so it needs a fruit for flavor and I already had the apple. So I just stopped there and sat down tired and disoriented. Then my dad calls my medical group to see about my insurance for a dentist and they needed a number so I told my mom to give me the number and she went full bitch mode and put up this huge brick wall and tried to shove herself into my business. "Tell me the dentist your going to and I'll fax it to them; I'll call them; Who is it who is it?" And I'm telling her there is no dentist I just need the number and she keeps pushing and I scream at her "I need the number because dad needs to check the insurance to see if it covers a periodontist." And she's like, "Well why didn't you just say that?" in this pissed monotone voice and my mouth dropped. Like I fucking told her over and over. Thick skulled bitch.

Fireworks and Stuff

I went to the festival and fireworks. It was literally packed. I had to weave around people on and off the sidewalk, stop and let people past- it was like driving on a road. They had small stands set up off to the side of the rides. Everything was really cheap. I got four bracelets and a necklace for three dollars. My dad got ice cream, his usual chocolate with vanilla. The chocolate was like an instant mmmmm in my head because earlier today I got a want for it. Then I was like, "Maybe I can have a taste." And ED didn't say no, I did. Just looking at it made my teeth ache. The cold and the sweet together? I would be in too much pain to enjoy.

Whatever Anymore...

I had two dreams I know of last night-and both were nightmares. One was about my teeth..I don't even want to talk about it but it felt so real I woke up and jumped out of bed feeling my mouth and walked around the room not being able to breathe. The one before that I binged on real food like I used to and I knew I was gonna gain weight.
My hair is so thin oh my god. I don't know what to do anymore. My teeth and my hair. I'm so fucking scared. I know I keep saying that but it's all I can say. I'm drowning in my own fear and there's no outlet. I can't exercise to fix it like I can with weight, I can't put makeup on it to conceal it, I can't hide it with baggy clothes. It's driving me insane literally.
I had breakfast which was kinda over board because I felt rushed and I didn't know what I should have. I was gonna have cereal but I decided against it so I went with the piece of diet toast and egg whites again. Before that I had my usual apple and yogurt and a bunch of grapes and blueberries.
I went on my walk and I was just thinking and thinking and getting tangled like spaghetti. I got a random..I don't if I should say want or craving for cold chocolate ice cream. Then I wanted nice cold milk. I don't know if it's just craving for something dairy holds. I wish I could just get out of my mind.

Wasted Time

It's like my eating disorder took a break and now my anxiety is taking over. I feel like I'm going insane..at least with my ED's I could have an outlet, something solid to focus on.
My teeth situation is eating me alive. I can't do anything without the feeling being there. My teeth feel weak and exposed and I'm horrified something's gonna happen and since it's my front teeth..Oh my god. I'm having panic attacks like crazy and today my hair is added to the mix. It feels thin. Real thin. Now I'm horrified about that and there's no outlet. I'm asking my dad to set a dentist appointment over and over and I feel like I'm a bother so I'm trying to not ask him as much but now I'm being eaten alive by the need and the fear that if this gets put off something bad will happen. I need it addressed before it becomes worse..and before I go fully insane.

It's Getting Bad...

Last night out of no where, I got sick. Me and B were playing Call of Duty online and around 1am we stopped and I got up to go to the bathroom and I was just hit by it. My skin was purely pale. Everything was sensitive, if I touched my leg or brushed against a part of my body, I felt like I was going to puke. I was dizzy and so weak I couldn't pick anything up without dropping it. I had that sick feeling too..the disgusting off feeling. B suggested it could be my period but it just ended yesterday so I wasn't sure. I googled it though and it was a possibility. Like my body got rid of what it needed to cause the period, and my body was deprived of it so I just got sick. But for some reason now I think it's my anxiety. It's getting really bad. Like seriously bad. It's my teeth right now. Constantly on my mind and constantly horrified about it. (See previous blog) And I've been freaking out about it more and more and I don't know..it just seems like there's a possibility anxiety can make you literally ill. I layed in bed exhausted around 1:30am and couldn't fall asleep for a while. I hugged myself in the sheets and I was getting the chills. I felt horrible. I kept waking up thinking..I don't even wanna say it but it had to do with my teeth. I was actually waking myself up because my mind was in fear. It's in constant fear about this.

New Jersey and More Anxiety

I. Am. So. Tired.
Friday after I posted about my period, things got pretty anxiety boosted because I felt rushed all night. I waited for my dad to get home from trucking so I could get the staple removed (see blog "I Cut My Head") and he came home, ate and took a shower which was maybe a good hour. So it was around 4:30 we left, we got to the hospital around 5. When I was finally taken around 5:25, I began to get nervous but I kept trying to cool myself off by reminding myself the gash is healed and this is the last step and I'm free. No cleaning twice a day with antibacterial soap and applying ointment and being mad careful and uncomfortable. So the guy comes in trying to be all jokey just like EVERY. DOCTOR. THERE... Shit's not funny guys. I ask if it's gonna hurt and he says, "I'll make sure it won't hurt me." And I'm thinking, "Bitch, I'm serious. Do you want me to have a panic attack and burst out in tears?" Fear owns me. So he takes out this like..oversized looking staple remover (hah) and goes to work. I was imagining how they get it out on the way to the hospital and I was right. He cut the staple in half and took out both sides..along with a small tangle of hair. It hurt and stung but not nearly as bad as hitting my head, getting the staple, or the week of tending to the gash.
I left and my head felt a lot better. Free. Big smile.

I Got My Period!

I know this doesn't sound like much, but I haven't gotten my period for months. I got a bit of it today I just realized about 10 minutes ago. It may just be some spotting then just stops but.. it's still blood! I was really worried..like extremely worried. This girl on prettythin.com was talking about how anorexia can lead to infertility and I was like..shit I didn't get my period in months..The last time I can remember it lasting for MAYBE a day was New Years.
But yeah I'm just really happy and I had to update. :D

Still Pushing Through

I went to my psychiatrist today and I was very down and I just didn't want to talk. I didn't want to be there. I was sitting out in the waiting area and I was just thinking, "I'm not gonna show emotion screw that I'm too emotionally drained and numb to be able to." And I get in there and she asked me where my 'homework' was. (I was supposed to write down the lies Ed tells and and bring in pictures of myself as a child) I didn't have it. I told her my week was really rough and I couldn't really think about it. I was living in my mind and Ed wasn't the first thing, he wasn't raping me like usual. Other thoughts were consuming me. She told me when we're detached we go to our minds and think and overthink and she said one of her sayings is "Your mind is a dangerous place never go there alone."
And I've been living in my mind in complete silence and loneliness.

Alone

I feel like all I am is a bother.
I seriously have no one I feel like I'm lost in myself. I'm having such small amounts of human interaction my brain is like falling apart.
I have not one friend. I'm being dead serious. I've lost everyone. I called my mom to hang out tomorrow and she's busy. It's like she didn't even want to hang. My dad's always out on the road..the only person I have. BH is too busy working to be my friend. B is just..I feel like I'm losing him. He ditched me from being bored of people from hanging with his friends. Then today my dad's truck broke down and he wasn't gonna be home on time and I needed to go shopping for tomorrow before my dad had to go to bed, so I told B I don't think tonight could work. Then right after that I find out he invites his friends over. Like I don't get this why doesn't anyone care about me..Care about seeing me..? I feel like I'm just this form of fog. I don't exist. I want to just die. I don't know why I'm so unstable with my life right now. All I want at this moment is to lay on my moms bed, in her arms and just cry. I want everything to be real again but nothing exists. I keep getting closer and closer to full on binges and I'm about to let go because I just don't care anymore. I'm so tired of everything. And I'm so fucking tired of being tired. I'm exhausted. I just want to go to permanent bed. Sleep it all away. Sleep the tiredness away, all the problems. It literally feels like no one exists right now because I'm so alone. Why the fuck am I so depressed.

A Fun Time And.. Moving Forward?

Last night was my last night of tuna and broccoli. So now I have various vegetables added in along with two types of meats: tuna and shrimp. I'm honestly really really scared about chicken. My dad got a rotisserie chicken from the supermarket down the street two days ago. I told him to save some really white meat for me. (It used to be a safe food) And there's some sitting in the fridge. It looks like there's no fat and it's very white so it appears safe. It's just not a known food. Like the last 4 days it's been foods I had in the past 1-2 months so even though I was iffy, they were do-able. Now here's where it's getting trickier. I have step into unknown territory. I said I was going to have a Berry Almond Chicken Salad from Wendy's today..I'm definitely not ready for that yet. Sometime soon though. On a day I go swimming and walking, I'll do it because then it'll be easier. I won't be so afraid. Then maybe I can have it on days I just do my usual walks. I'm really tangled right now. I'm thinking today I might just have my allowed Chinese dish. I don't know if Ed's messing with my mind again or if it's just that I'm getting muscle..

My Derealization Disorder

 Since 6th grade- In my daily life, nothing feels real. What I mean by that is I feel like I'm in a continuous dream. I've lost all sense of reality and I freak out because of it. I don't know why it happens and I can't control it. When I'm alone, nothing exists. When I'm with people, I feel like I'm in a dream. It's not real. It's just always there and sometimes it's worse than other times. Lately, it's been getting worse though. Last night, after I turned off the music and cried until I felt dead, I went to bed but I freaked out first. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and everything just crumbled. I felt trapped and I started checking to see if I was in a dream. A while ago online I looked up some ways to be able to tell. I pressed my hand into the wall, if I was in a dream it would have gone through the wall. I checked the lettering on my shirt in the mirror, looked away, then looked back. If I was in a dream the lettering would have changed. I looked at my face then looked away and back. If I was in a dream my face would be distorted. Everything was as should be. No hands through walls, changing letters or faces. That only freaked me out more. I laid in bed and cried and shut my eyes and open them. I stared at the wall and hugged my teddy. I didn't set my alarm because all I want to do is sleep anymore.

Falling Apart

Today decided to take a bad turn after this mornings post. Now it's just down right horrible. I feel like I didn't move from the depressed kid I was back in 6th grade.
B and me were gonna hang and he cancelled out of no where. I've done that before but he didn't give me a reason and it was like an hour before we were going to hang. I was ready and when I asked what we were going to do he just said he doesn't want to hang. This especially hurt because he was with his friends all weekend. Earlier though, after my walk everything was fine. Then I left to eat supper and run to the store with my dad and then when I got back he was just..so monotone. I felt like he was mad at me. I got off my laptop and we didn't talk for a few hours. I later found out he was napping when he texted me.

Progress?

Day three of not relapsing back into my old "safe" diet, and day four of excersising. Saturday and yesterday, I had my allowed Chinese dish. I get one dish and split it and save the rest for the next day. I thought I'd start off with something familiar so it wouldn't be that easy to relapse. I weening off my old diet because I know how easy it is to stumble and fall right back in. So right now I'm just working on increasing my meal options for my second meal of the day. For the first two days, it was Chinese. Now today and tomorrow, I'm going into a less familiar dish- but still familiar. Canned tuna and a bag of steamfresh broccoli. Wednesday and Thursday I'm going to have the thing I couldn't have two weeks ago- a Berry Almond Chicken Salad from Wendy's. I'm in complete googoo love with those things and two weeks ago when they finally came out and I was psyched, I just couldn't do it. I shoved it in the back of my fridge and threw it out when my dad wasn't around. But I'm going to do it in two days, for two days. After that, I'm going to have four meal options! That's going up from the only one I've been having for months. The most I've had since November is two meal options.
Once that stuff is in, I want to be set with my normal breakfast, one of the options for my second meal, and maybe a salad later or some raw veggies. I don't want to do it, but I'm slowly giving up more and more fruit. It's the "easy" food. The..I guess you can say trigger food. It's delicious and non guilty. But my body can't live on it. Someday soon I hope to have maybe egg whites and diet toast for breakfast..that sound's so impossibly possible. And it feels so good.. Maybe after that- non coated cereal and Silk Almond Milk..Mmmmmm. It's so good to have this kind of freedom. My mind is exploring and I'm not letting Ed consume me with no's. I feel like I can do this.

Desire (May Be Triggering)

There will always be a desire to be Barbie. No flaws. The kind of thin you see on magazine covers and in movies.
If I had one wish- It would be to have a high metabolism for my whole life. Yes, I'd choose a high metabolism over getting rid of Ed any day. I believe if I had a high metabolism, Ed would leave. And if he didn't- I wouldn't gain weight. I would be able to eat whatever I wanted and not restrict and still stay the same. I'll never be able to express how much I will always ache for that.

Anxiety and Decisions

I have this huge issue with saying no in situations and I think it's because I'm horrified to disappoint someone. I feel like if I disappoint them, they'll hate me for not being good enough.
I wish I could learn how to say no and be content with it. It's my decision and I shouldn't feel bad about it. I shouldn't say "I wish I can," because I know I can- I just wish I knew how.
It's like this never ending circle. When I have to make a decision- my anxiety kicks in full notch and I literally can't think. Because of that I panic and I end up not being able to breathe resulting in a panic attack. All from making a decision. I'm just too indifferent about everything..or maybe I'm just too afraid to give one answer because I know it will disappoint..Ugh.. This hits a close level to how annoying Ed is because it's just as uncontrollable. It's like the decision is Ed, and the panic attack is the result besides bingeing or starving.

Turning The Page of The Good Ol' Book

Since yesterday after I hit my head, I've been in this mindset. Like my motherly instincts came out to take care of myself. (Yeah I know it sounds dumb) It's like the old me. Like if you smelled me, I'd smell like an old book. Not a new shirt.
(The new shirt is referring to Ed)
I love it. I just sat here and planned a whole meal plan with the packet my nutritionist gave me forever ago but I never looked at once outside of her office. I might post it sometime soon.
But today, I'm having steamed shrimp with mixed veggies for lunch. I've been on the same diet for weeks with the fruit and yogurt (see blog "My Story") and tonight I'm going to go for a walk and do 30 sit ups again.
Last night I went for a nice walk. No music in my ears, just the sound of kids laughing, the sounds of summer. I worked up a sweat and it felt good to be excersising. I'm going to start working on my body.
I want to add in squats, lunges, pushups, and I want to get lower lb. weights to tone my arms a bit. I want to have a body I can be proud of and be able to call healthy and treat it right. That's what it deserves and that's what I deserve. When I read the "I deserve" I just wrote, I don't fully believe it. Maybe it's just Ed talking. But either way, I'm going to keep going. I can do this and I won't give up.
I made a screen saver last night to remind me to exercise because I get lazy real easy.

I Cut My Head

Yeah I'm just a klutz..
I was straightening my hair to go out and when I went under the sink to get my straightener, I forgot to close the door to underneath the sink and after I was done straightening, I flipped my head over to fix my hair and when I went to flip it over, I smacked my head right into the edge of the door.
I turned around and went to walk out into the parlor to sit down for a second, but then I felt something wet going down the side of my face. Before I touched it, I was like oh god please don't be blood.
And it was. That's when I freaked out. I went and got a frozen bag of veggies from the freezer. Then I called B on first instinct. It took two tries but he picked up and then left to come.
Next I called C, cause I figured he was at work and could tell me what to do and if I needed him he could come down. No answer.
I called J twice, then I called my mom. No answer. I texted her with one hand and the exact thing I sent was, "U NESD 2 pick up i hit my head bleeding" she called right after and told me to put a cold wet wash cloth and pressure on it.

The Night That Called My Parents Divorce

I don't remember much at all. But I'll say what I do remember.
I was 7, it was 2am.
I was woken up and my dad was pissed. My mom wasn't home. My dad got me and my brothers and drove us to the restaurant we owned- where my mom was.
When we got there she wasn't there, so we came back home.
My mom was sitting on the steps crying.
My dad put us in our rooms. I remember loud banging and screaming after that. I was laying there crying with my hands over my ears, yelling, "Stop, stop, please stop."
Next thing I remember, my dad came in and tucked me in, telling me everything was okay.
My dad was drinking that night and got really mad and beat my mom.
 After I heard his bedroom door close, I left my room quietly to look for my mom. I couldn't find her. I peeked outside the back door and whispered, "Mom." Nothing.
The next day my dad took us somewhere and he was pulled over by a cop. My mom was following and she got out of the car with a sling on her arm.
That's all I remember.

Many New Facts and Realizations

My brother J has been freezing my dad out for weeks. Not answering calls, not coming by, nothing. Then I found out he quit his band that he's been in for years. I began to worry a lot about him because this just didn't make sense..So I called my mom. This was the conversation after the hello's.
Me: Do you know why J quit the band?
Mom: I didn't know he quit.
Me: Well..he did, didn't you talk to him or didn't he say anything?
Mom: Well, he's in another band.
Me: ..Okay well do you know why he hasn't been talking to dad or coming by?
Mom: Did your father tell you to ask me that?
Me: No mom. I am asking because I'm worried about him. He quit his band and now he's not talking to dad. What is going on?
Mom: Well..I think it has something to do with child support. They see how it's taking its toll on me and the house.
Me: What do you mean?
I can't remember the rest exactly, but after I asked he that, she went on a rant about how much child support is and how it's such a trouble since I'm not living there and she just kept shoving her guilt trip down my throat until I hung up on her, saying: "It's not my fault. Just because I did what I want to do, just because I don't want to live there anymore does not mean I'm the one to blame. I did what I wanted for my sake, for me. Not in spite of you like you keep thinking."

Small Breakdown of My Family

I have a 19 year old brother who I'll call J in my posts.
Ever since I was born, J showed resentment toward me. I went above and beyond to get him to like me. I would do stuff for him(clean his room, leave him alone, etc.) just to get a hug.
In school there was a small school stand that sold cute school supplies for younger kids. When I had a free dollar, I would buy him little trinkets that were green because that was his favorite color.
I yearned to have a brother who wanted to be my friend. Where we lived, it was all boys. No younger kids, so I was all alone.
He would push me down when I was learning to walk. As we got older, he would scream at me about how much he hates me and I would frequently get the two popular comments, "Go to hell," and "Go die."

Let's Talk, Ed

In regards to my post last night- I'm fine. I get out of control sometimes and lose every ounce of hope and reality. It feels like nothing exists. Like I could hurt/kill myself or anyone. I wouldn't kill anyone but myself..sometimes I get a little shaky. But I'm not totally insane, I promise.
I just had a nice talk with Ed about 15 minutes ago when I realized something.
I put my bikini on because I'm going swimming with B today. (It's finally hot!) Anyway, I was looking in the mirror and I was wondering why my midsection wouldn't get any tinier. I was feeling my upper and lower torso. My lower torso being a bit pooched out from constipation, so I disregarded that because I knew why it wouldn't get tinier. But my upper torso? It wasn't coming to me. Ed was telling me how no matter how hard I try I won't be good enough because I can't get as tiny as I want..or Ed wants rather.

Kill Me

refrain from bingeing? im trying to refrain from taking the bottle of pills in my room.
when did i become literally suicidal. 
i HAVE NO. ONE. no one loves me no one wants me everyone let me go i have no friends i have no family im all alone trapped inside myself and all i am is ed. im only fucking ed and ed is torture.
why should i be alive why shouldnt i get the pills
i hope someone fucking kills me im worth nothing anyway someone just shoot me please i hate myself i want to die i fucking hate ed i hate EVERYTHING

"My Journey to France"

I went to my therapist with a clearer mindset. A more hopeful one and I was able to talk more and listen and open up a little more. I found out that this feeling of thinking everything's my fault, could have very welly developed from my parents being divorced when I was 7. Those younger years the way I coped with it was playing with my neighbors constantly as a distraction. But when I hit 6th grade and we started growing up and apart, I started using food to fill the void. That's when I remember the beginning of bingeing.
She made me draw myself coming out of my ED. I drew a big black circle with white circles for eyes and a white circle for the mouth. I drew me in a pink marker crawling out of the mouth. She asked me, "Well why are you crawling out of the mouth?" And I said, "Because I feel like I'm swallowed by my eating disorder." She nodded her head in approval. She knew, she just wanted to hear me say it.
I got a lot of subtle smiles which made me feel good, like I'm doing better.
She then asked me to draw what my life would be like outside of my eating disorder. I drew myself and stared at the page. Finally giving up, I looked straight at her and said, "I can't."
She nodded with a smile like I did something right.

What Function Does My Ed Play?

I'm going to my therapist tonight. 6pm.
The last appointment sucked bad but I'm determined to make this one worth something and not spend the whole time crying from discouragement.
She told me Thursday to come in today having written down the function that my ED plays in my life.
I just sat down now and it took me 3 minutes to come up with this (I only wrote the idea down, no examples because we discuss them, so if needed I'll also give examples on here):

Moments I Lose Control

There's things I can't control yet about Ed. And these things happen a lot. I just want to write them out.
When someone asks me if I want food, even if it's a safe food, and I say no- no big deal.
But when they keep asking. "Come on please just one piece, just a little bit." Then Ed comes out and I feel like a wild animal has taken over my mind. Then I have to answer with a hard "No."
Then if it keeps going, the wild animal takes over my body and I feel like I could literally punch someone square in the face. Over. And over. This isn't my thoughts, I can't control when I get those feelings.
But the absolute worst is those four words that makes me want to fucking break someones skull.
"It won't kill you." With the occasional additions in the front, "If you have a little-", "Just this once-".
That really consumes me with the wild animal.
Another thing is when I'm eating. The part that annoys me is I'm unable to eat in front of anyone. They watch me and I can't eat. Even if they glance at me. For some reason if they see me eating or know I'm eating, it feels like someone just offended me to the highest level possible. When my dad's home, I eat at the kitchen counter in the corner with my back turned away from him. I move all my food in front of me so my body blocks it and he can't see what I'm eating. I feel like it all has to be hidden. No one can know.

The Mask

 I made this double sided mask for a therapy session two weeks ago. One side is how I feel on the inside. The other side is how I want to feel. The squares of color are what's left of the real me and the black is Ed.

Yep I'm Totally A Cheater

I feel sick. Like I could literally throw up.
It's shit like this that sets me on the edge. Of a panic attack, a razor across my wrist, the heavy desire to rip my hair out, the never ending urge to swallow all of my pain pills.
My ex boyfriend moved away last summer. He just moved back today and we were talking about getting together to catch up. I found out he's going to be working down the road from my dad's and since I don't do shit here anyway, why not walk down and chill for like a half hour sometimes?
Honestly, I feel so beyond weird calling him my ex boyfriend because I went out with him when I was a kid. 12. It was hardly even a relationship. I feel bad looking back at it. I was so mean to the kid. He just liked me so much I felt so bad. But I only went out with him because I felt bad for him and he was a real good friend so I figured it wouldn't be torture. I know that sounds horrible..

An Update and A Discovery

WELL. I am beyond stunned. I came on my account today and saw comments. It's like...I can't even process how good that feels. To have readers is just purely beyond awesome. But comments is just like no words. It's like an honor. Getting a medal. Especially because it's encouragement and positive words. One comment was anonymous which was just WOW. Someone finds my blog and comments. I hope this keeps happening because it's just so..again I can't find a word. xD I'm just overjoyed.
Anyway, a little update because I didn't post yesterday. My dad let me skip the recital last night and I didn't go to the pool party. It was chilly...Why is it so chilly. It's summer. It's late June. I think mother nature's soul was corrupted.
Anyway, I went out with B and we went to the park and talked and goofed around and went on the swings and merry-go-round. Then we went to the lake and watched the water and talked and chilled. Then I went home. Fun eventful day, huh? I was really tired though.. I think it's because I slept past 12pm. I think I'm gonna set an alarm for like 11:20 or so.  Why 11:20 instead of 11:30 (which would make so much more sense). When I open my eyes at 11:30 and a second later it's 11:31, it might as well be 12. 11:20 is the perfect balance. 11:00=too early. 11:30= too late. So BAM outsmarting time, and uselessly babbling.

I Don't Know Me

I just realized I don't know me. I can't say "I don't know who I am," because I do. I know my name.
I haven't known me since I was a kid. I'm just this body of nothing...No wonder it was so easy for Ed to sneak in. He gave me a personality and told me right from wrong (his versions) and what I should and shouldn't do. Now I understand why it's impossible to see the line between myself and Ed. My voice and Ed's.
So now I'm sitting here. Completely...blank. It's like Ed is all I know how to be. I've never had healthy eating habits so maybe I am just Ed. I know there's a different person inside there somewhere...But it's lost. It's a needle in a haystack the size of the universe.
I am truly lost.
I honestly don't know what to do. As I'm typing this I'm typing in like a slow motion because the reality of the words just keep sinking in.
How am I supposed to get rid of Ed if that's all I am? Sure I have a name, a birthday, favorite colors, a favorite animal, interests, hobbies. But the way I act toward myself and other people is all Ed. I don't know how to...
I'm just so confused. All I can say is I feel completely. And. Totally. Lost.
I'm not giving up on recovery... it's just wow. Once I'm farther in recovery, what is going to happen? I don't know how to be a person. I'm just this walking eating disorder.
What the fuck is wrong with my brain...

Therapists SUCK

I am so mad about my therapist appointment last night. I went in with a smile and when she asked me "How are you?" like usual- I said alright..like usual. I hate that question.
But she sat down in her chair and looked at me. Squinting her eyes a bit with a humorous expression.
She asked me how I've been, and I said, "Better, I haven't binged in weeks and I feel a lot better and I'm pretty proud of myself."
Then she asked me how my moods have been because I told her how I was having horrible mood swings for a long time. I told her my mood has been pretty neutral except for moments of breakdowns, but I'm not always snipping at things.
Then she asks me what I've been eating and I told her the usual and she asked me again and I said "Just what I usually have everyday," and then she asked me again and I said just the yogurt and fruit for breakfast and lunch and fruit later. Then I told her what I was talking about in my last blog- About starting over because I stopped bingeing. I said I wanted to go back to the nutritionist and get more added in because I think I'm ready. Then I said, "And I'll just start excersising more so I don't gain weight. Then this is where shit got really fucking confusing and started pissing me off.
She said, "Do you see what's going on?" And I'm like, "..What do you mean?" And she kept asking me in different ways and I'm like BITCH WHAT DO YOU MEAN STOP TOYING WITH ME. (not out loud) So then she makes me sit in her chair and she pretended to be me and said everything I said about what I was eating and I'm just thinking, is this some kind of bitch joke to annoy the shit out of me? Cause it's working.

As Long As I'm Skinny...

Everything feels so pointless. And by everything feeling pointless, life feels pointless.
What's the point in going through recovery? What's the point in living if I'm not doing anything with myself? I feel like I'm trying to walk this path and I'm stuck on a treadmill.
I was thinking about recovery last evening and this morning. The book I'm reading (Life With Ed) tells me that when you start going through recovery a lot of things are out of place. You have to answer questions you didn't think about before.
"Did you do good on the test?" Doesn't matter, I'm thin. "If you keep putting things off everything will go wrong." Doesn't matter, I'm thin.
I would always think that to every question since my anorexia started. I don't face it, I just pin everything on my weight because being thin is the only thing that matters to me. Or should I say mattered. My health is blurring the line of what matters.
I remember last summer when I was badly anorexic. (Not eating or having an apple a day) And my friends would tell me, "Eat, you have to eat." I would wrinkle my face in disgust at that word because when they said eat, all I'd hear is "Fat." Then they'd say, "I don't want to be visiting you in a hospital or going to your funeral. I don't want to see you sick." I wouldn't even think about their concern. I would instead say right back, "My health doesn't matter as long as I'm skinny." And those were my exact words.

Afterthoughts

I remember last summer when I was badly into anorexia, my mom said "Don't lose anymore weight you don't want to look like a boy."
In fact, all the adults would said "Don't lose anymore weight" when they saw me.
I actually got a lot of "You need to gain some weight" comments in there too.
I want to have a sexy body. And I can say that and mean it. Being a bone isn't attractive because like my mom said..it's just not feminine. I'm becoming more of a woman and I want to look my age and I want to look healthy and sexy.
But when I tell myself, it's okay to gain a little weight. I say no. Rather Ed says no.
But I know if I gain a little more, I can maybe accent my curves, actually have an ass, and not look so flat chested. I used to have a big boobs and a big ass but when I went from 163 to 116..things changed big time.
When I see girls who are curvy I just think of how beautiful they are. Then I see the girls who are bones and I see a different kind of beauty. And I want both. But I can't have both.
I'm just confused, I'm caught in a loop of confusion..

Break It Down

In ballet rehearsal, I was reading "Life Without Ed," like I said I would in my last blog. And she came across things that scared me. She said, "Recovery means gaining weight." And when I read that, Ed jumped in immediately. He said, "You're going to jump out of recovery right now because you can't gain weight. It can't be done because I know you won't let yourself because I won't let you. It doesn't matter if your healthy. You have to be thin."
But before he even finished the thought, I just felt mentally tired. Just tired. I'm tired of being unhealthy and that's finally blurring Ed's voice. I want to get my period back, I want to have life in my eyes, I want to be able to do stuff without getting weak and tired, I want to laugh and mean it. I want to live.

Bye Ballet

It's 11:20am and I'm sitting on my couch watching reruns of Jimmy Neutron, never too old for this show or Spongebob. xD
This morning, my dad woke me up at 9:30 instead of 11 like he said he would. I needed stuff from my mom's because my ballet recitals are Friday and Saturday, and rehearsal is today at 4pm-9pm.
My dad got called to go trucking earlier because the load was ready sooner, so he had to wake me up earlier to get the stuff.
I'm so tired. I went to bed at around 2:30-45. 11am was pushing it for me..and then 9:30? wtf.
Whatever. I now have a coffee sitting next to me. 12oz. I used to drink 24oz but then my gastroenterologist told me it "dries you out," plus I started to feel like I didn't need it after school ended.
I just need it today because I'm going to be moving tonight. I don't want to move.
I'm saying goodbye to ballet after this recital. It's because my Ed's and depression. I still love it, I just don't have the will.
I've been taking it since I was 4 and I'm now 16. I'm going to miss it but the pleasure of not having to move will probably overcome it...
This may be my only time to blog, unless I have the energy or time when I get home after 9 tonight.
It's not much but it's an update.

Just an Update

Ugh..All day.
Home alone. Ed kept snaking in.
Recently I just feel hungry. Even after I just ate, and I'm pretty sure I'm eating a good amount.
I don't get it but it's just giving Ed a nice little slot there to fill up.
Ever since I slept over B's. I left after I ate supper and I didn't eat my usual snack later, i had small ones throughout the night.
And now I'm just always hungry even though I ate the same yesterday and today..
I hope it stops.
I joined this website called PrettyThin today, my boyfriend found it for me but I didn't realize I already made an account, just never went on.
I was looking around and found a chatroom, at first it didn't look like they were even talking about eating disorders, but then I went in and after a bit, I started talking to some people.
It was amazing to hear someone say they understand what I'm feeling. I don't know anyone else with an eating disorder so I always felt alone.
I got to help a girl, get advice, and talk to people who understood. This site I think will help me in my recovery because everyone I talk to listens, but they don't understand. Even if the people can't talk with me, reading about it and relating to it will make this alone feeling lesser.
Crossing my fingers.

An Amazing Sleepover

Yesterday was..amazing.
I woke up and I had ballet rehearsal for one of the recital's finale's. That was 1-2. Then I went home and rinsed off the grossness and greasiness from my hair not being washed. (I scum it on the weekends)
Then I ate and got in my bathing suit and secretly packed some other stuff.
My dads a truck driver and he was going out on an overnight ride so I decided to stay at my boyfriends. (B)
I stayed at B's once before over Easter break. We don't "do" anything.
Like I said, our relationship isn't like others.
We just chill hard and it so fun because it's so comfortable and 0 weirdness and you can be yourself with someone who..defines half of you. So it's a perfect fit.
Before he picked me up I was jittery. I hadn't seen him in a day away from a week. Longest ever gone. I was ready to grab him and kiss him and coo about how adorable he is and just stare at his face and smile like I did Monday when we went to the movies.
But..I got in the car and everything changed. It felt like I was being picked up by my best friend. Only a friend..not my boyfriend. I started to get scared cause the feeling lasted almost the whole night.

My Song

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm okay
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not okay
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day



My ex friend showed me this song when my anorexia was at its worst and it's been..my song ever since.
I don't know of any songs about eating disorders besides this one.
Courage by Superchick.

I Won't Cry

I'm talking to him and I told myself I wouldn't cry.
In my blog "The Fight," I said it'd come back at me hard.
It's doing that.
I can't trust him. I feel like every word I say has to be right.
I'm trying so hard to make every response long, give him all I have.
It feels like I lost meaning to him...
I'm so scared and yes I'm crying.
I walked in the bathroom and I just broke down.
I'm hurt...
This hurts so bad.
I love him so much I just want to hold him and cry and talk about it but I can't right now.
I feel like I need to get out of my mind...I can't take this.
He promised we'd work though everything, that he'd never leave me. He promised and he lied.
I just can't process the pain.
There's this gap missing when I talk to him now. I think it's the trust I held so strongly there...It's empty.

The Kids and a Salad

My next door neighbors (who I mentioned in my post "My Story") are all home schooled and always have been.
Priscilla and Rachael graduated already. Rach just graduated from college..I can't believe it.
Priscilla graduated last year.
Then there's Caleb, Kristy (14), and Josiah (16).
I've known all them since I was 3.
They have a ceremony at this church across from the mall. It's all Christian-based.
Caleb graduated today. Ever since I've known him, he's determined. He gets stuff done when it needs to be done and he goes above and beyond what he needs to do. I envy his love for God and how he knows who he is. His creativity and his friendliness. Never fake. He's a true example of a genuine person.
Me and Priscilla we're the best friends out of all of them. They're all my added family.
I called them "The Kids." I don't know where it came from but that was my term.
But I can't be personal with them. They were just always there. Always friends.
Everyday after preschool, kindergarten, 1st grade to maybe 6th grade. When the mall and boyfriends started. When I turned into a teenager and all of us grew up more and stopped playing so much.
They were the only things that got me through my horrible times as a child.
They were my escape. Into pretend worlds, creative games.

The Fight

I really don't want to even think about it but I have a feeling if I don't let it out, it'll come back at me hard somehow.
 Last night me and my boyfriend had another fight.
But this was like the fight. We were bitching back and forth and I was being my stubborn self and then he said "I give up." Those words scared me breathless. I didn't know what he meant. He told me we need to take a break. Time to "find ourselves." Then he said "what if we still talked every day and hung out and loved eachother in a different way?"
Even though he said wasn't breaking up with me, I died.
I can't explain the feeling I got. But I can try.
It was like a close family member just died.
I was shaking uncontrollably, my heart was the only thing I could hear in my ears, I couldn't breathe. It was like a panic attack times ten.
Then my insides crashed. Everything felt like it stopped working. It felt like my body was hollow, pointless.
I suddenly felt completely lost.
My body felt like it was crushed and flat and nothing but my skin was left intact.
The life left me.
The first thought I had was "I'm never eating again." then immediately that little Ed thought that came in during a weak point, was crushed by "I'm going to kill myself." Big letters in my head.
I always thought about suicide before but I never actually thought I could do it. But at that moment, I felt I could actually stand up, go to my room and swallow all my Naproxen. (a pain pill I take for my migraines)

Wrong

UGHHHHHHHHH. I'm so pissed off.
I'm pissed off at my boyfriend too. All I can say about my life right now is what the fuck.
I get this extreme urge to rip my hair out. Pull it real hard.
But from anorexia, my hair became thinner so I can't take a chance. Instead I go for the razor.
But I'm hold back and I'm writing it all out right now.
What's wrong. Okay T, think what's wrong.
My boyfriend is being so fucking unreasonable but I really don't care because I miss him so bad I feel like crying. I haven't seen him since Monday and it's now Friday. In the almost 8 months we've been dating, we never went that long without seeing each other...aerojigtaweopkfmodigjm I'm going insane.
I just want to be in his arms and kiss him. I just want to see his face.
Have you ever been away from someone for so long, you feel like they don't exist? Like..your forgetting or something. That's how it's feeling with him and since he's so important in my life, it's hurts so much more. I just feel like he doesn't feel the same...I don't know.
We don't have a typical teen relationship, it's like I found this missing half of me. It's not two people in a relationship, it's one. I know that sounds cheesy as fuck but that's how I feel and he said he feels the same, and I believe him.
I just wish we didn't fucking fight so much...

Babbling

I love the feeling of air conditioning. It's 75 degrees out right now and it's really sunny.
The sun hurts my eyes, a lot. It gives me instant migraines. So I wear huge sunglasses.
I'd rather be inside all the time.
But I want to go swimming right now, like really badly. But it's not quite warm enough today.
The forecast has been shit since we got out of school. Rain, cold. Way to go, PA.
I want to do something tonight but there's nothing to do and no one to do anything with.
I pushed all my friends away and there's nothing me and my boyfriend can agree on..
so right now it looks like I might be stuck home tonight..again.
This isn't how summer should be. -___-

Afternoon of Cooking

Today I cooked raw chicken for the first time.
It smelled amazing and I would have killed to take the smallest bite. I added tomato, shrimp and Free Zesty Italian.
Mmmmm. But I cooked it in butter and water.. Butter is horrible.
Awe well maybe one day. I made it for my dad and he couldn't stop complimenting how tender and tasty it was. It made me feel good.
I guess I found one good thing I got from my mom, her mad awesome cooking skills. xD

Definitions for Binge Eating and Anorexia

Binge Eating:

Binge eating disorder is characterized by compulsive overeating in which people consume huge amounts of food while feeling out of control and powerless to stop. The symptoms of binge eating disorder usually begin in late adolescence or early adulthood, often after a major diet. A binge eating episode typically lasts around two hours, but some people binge on and off all day long. Binge eaters often eat even when they’re not hungry and continue eating long after they’re full. They may also gorge themselves as fast as they can while barely registering what they’re eating or tasting.

 People with binge eating disorder struggle with feelings of guilt, disgust, and depression. They worry about what the compulsive eating will do to their bodies and beat themselves up for their lack of self-control. They desperately want to stop binge eating, but feel like they can’t.